Marching In Place

Living and Struggling with Agoraphobia

Marching In Place - Living and Struggling with Agoraphobia

Here I Go Again!!

6186bd8d88ac604dda34a4e41a2c4d39l-m7xd-w1020_h770_q80It has been such a long time since I posted, so I will start with a couple of updates.  I am in the new condo and the work is mostly done, only a few small few things left to finish. It is starting to feel like home, different but home!!  I bought a wood trunk and created a space for Robby, I placed a some of his things in it.  I like the fact that he has presence in the new place!  The rest of his things are in 8 storage containers in my garage.

Now, for the newest development I had starting have some symptoms that concerned my oncologist before the move. She ran multiple test but couldn’t find anything.  She did a lab test for my cancer marker and it was elevated, so she finally did a PET scan after the move and she found a recurrence of my cancer.  So we started chemo first to try and control spreading and after my third cycle she will repeat my scan and do surgery to try to remove the cancer. As for a prognosis, well we will know more after the next scan and surgery, but it is not great.  She explained that a recurrence this far out from my last chemo is considered incurable, but she wants to see if I can get at least part way back to where I have been with my cancer. She feels I may be starting a pattern where they find something and treat it, then I am ok for a short time and then they find something and they treat it………..

So I had my first chemo on July 24th and my second one was today.  This has brought back so many memories, both good and bad.  While I miss Robby, I am glad he doesn’t have to go through this again, I know he didn’t understand the first time and that wouldn’t be any better this time.  But I also miss the nurses, not just because of the help they gave me, but I miss their support, humor and caring.  I especially miss the nurse that was always there on my worst chemo days, actually I miss him all the time.  But life changes and people move on and I just have to try and deal with that!

The strangest thing about all this is my anxiety hasn’t been that bad, I think it is because my doctor was so honest in the beginning about my risk for a recurrence. Don’t get me wrong I am not ok with this, and I have trouble dealing with the emotional side, but knowing this would probably happen reduced the shock factor.


The Goal???

I have, once again, gone a long time with out posting–sorry!!  So much has happened, so much to deal with.  Lets see, well the house is finally in escrow.   I have been clear since I had to make the decision to sell the house that all this would end with me moving, that was the goal.  But now that it is a reality and I have an end date I find myself not dealing well with the idea.  This is the place I brought my son when he was 4 months old and for everyday of all 31 years of Robby’s life I tried to create a life here, through the good and the bad!  Leave here now feels like walking away from that and Robby.  Logically I know that is not true, all the memories and Robby are going with me….yes I did say Robby is going with me.  I am not as crazy as that might make me sound.  I believe that the people in your life that die continue to move with you, they are part of who you become in life and how would you every leave parts of yourself behind?  Besides, anybody who knew Robby would know that he wouldn’t let me go far without him!  I have no doubt that he is here, I can feel and sense his presence.

I am now trying to go through and clean out and go through the garage……no words to describe this ‘adventure’.  I have made it clear to everyone that all of Robby’s things go with me, even if that means I have to throw everything else away!!  I need to get the cleaning out part done so I can start packing…..oh my!!  The move seems overwhelming, starting with finding a place to live.  As of right now I have found nothing…..well nothing since the house sold!  I found places while we were on the market, but of course they have sold!moving-out

Reality Bites

Well it has been another long gap between posts, life has been…..well…..insane!  Usually my life is crazy, but it has reached a whole new level.  Where to start….the house is still on the market.  I knew it would be a difficult process to sell the house and move, but I never dreamed it would take this long to sell.  The stress of this and my financial situation are really taking a toll on my health, but I just keep hoping it will be over soon.

Speaking of my health, I have been having some test done with my oncologist.   I have been having some symptoms and she is trying to determine if it may be a recurrence of my cancer.  I tried but can’t stress about it… is the one thing too many!  I can’t change what happens, so I will just wait and see.

Then there is Robby….oh how I miss him!  It feels like I miss him even more now.  There is a huge painful void in my life and my heart, nothing can fill it and nothing can fix it.  I am scared how I will deal with the anniversary of his death in June.  So far I haven’t done well with any holidays, or even days like today.  It was one year ago today that he was admitted to the hospital for that horrific 31 day stay that started him down the path that ended in his death.  There are days when I think the pain of his loss with just consume me.  I find myself want to talk with the people there that night he passed, or at least the ones still speaking to me, I feel like they understand.  Most nights I still have trouble sleeping and am back sleeping most nights with the lights on, a subtle reminder of the ‘new’ reality.

Pain, Frustration and Anxiety of Selling a House

Well the day finally came, January 13th the house went on the market!  It has been a difficult road to get there, there was all the work of painting, moving furniture, packing up extra things and cleaning.  But the hardest part was unpacking and moving Robby’s bed to the garage, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest!  I know it is just a bed, or so people tell me.  But it is such a symbol of him, that bed has seen a lot happen in the 25 years he had it.  I remember the first day he got in the bed, he looked like he owned the world.  It was his space and he loved it.  Now it is in my garage in so many pieces along with containers of his things out of the bed and I feel shattered again!!!  But now the house is on the market and there has been quite a bit of interest, but no offers yet.  It’s kinda funny, I know the idea is to sell the house so I won’t lose my equity, but I really want to stay….not an option!!!  So I spend my time now cleaning, missing Robby, cleaning, crying, being anxious to the point of panic attacks, cleaning, trying not to get too crazy, cleaning, being frustrated and cleaning!!  1828 Alsuna Ln_0064


Updates and Current Events

Well it has been awhile since I posted-things have been and are pretty crazy.  So, let’s see-just over two weeks ago I had emergency gallblatter surgery-that was just what I needed right now.  Being inpatient at Hoag was hard, I have been there so many times with Robby.  In case I didn’t remember an endless number of doctors, nurses and staff remembered me and asked how Robby was doing.   I am still having pain because I am overdoing.

Sabrina and I attended a Celebration of Life Candlelight Rememberance Service at Westminster Memorial Park where Robby’s ashes are interned.  It was emotional, painful and yet beautiful.

The reason I am overdoing is the deadline to have the house ready to sell is the end of this month.  I can’t believe this is happening-I don’t want to move now but I haven’t found a job yet, so….  I feel like I’m going to lose another connection to Robby and even Robert-this is the last place we lived together.  So I am still hoping that a job comes through in time, but it doesn’t look good.

Winding it’s way through everything is Christmas.  I tried to hide from it or ignore it, it’s here.   I put the tree up since this maybe the last Christmas in this house-that was painful.

On a more pleasant note I was invited to a nurse pinning ceremony by Marisol who was one of my son’s nurses.  She graduated as an RN, BSN, PHN from Azusa Pacific University, so I drove to Azusa…..that was a long drive!!!

Deadlines, Complications and a View

Well I have been working hard to keep my work on track to have the house ready to sell, but once again life has changed the plan.  I have been feeling the pressure since meeting with the realtor and committing to make my decision and having the house ready by the middle of December.  Well my pressure went the charts on this past Friday when I was admitted to Hoag via the emergency room.  I woke up that morning ok, but by later in the morning I was suddenly in so much pain.   It was in the upper abdominal area and rediated around to my back, I vomited once and I laid on the bed feeling like I couldn’t move or take a breath.  By late in the afternoon I got myself together enough I went to urgent care, where the doctor examined me by pushing on the areas in pain.   He then told me I had to go to the ER, Oh crap-never somewhere I want to go.  I went home, laid down for a few minutes, then drove myself to the ER.  I was examined again, had labs and an ultrasound and then doctor told me I needed surgery to remove my gallbladder….seriously.  I was admitted in the middle of the night and surgery was early Saturday morning.  This is not what I needed right now!!!  On a random note, I had an amazing view from my room at the hospital.  So I came home late Sunday, still in a lot off pain and not moving well, I have gotten stuck in the bed more than once.  So in the middle of this I had to refigure the timeframe and plan.  So now the decision will be at the end off December, giving a couple of extra weeks to get the house ready, which will put it on the market the middle of January.  This is another financial gamble since I only am sure I can pay the bills through the end of Febuary.  But there are no other options at this point.

On a humorous note [not easy to find right now] I told a freind that now in this condition is when I will finally get a call for an interview!!!!!20161127_072657

Random Updates and Thoughts

Well, first I did not hear back about the interview.  I am trying to maintain my optimism but some days it’s not so easy.  So, with that being said I met with a realtor on Monday to get some information and make sure there isn’t more work I need to do on the house.  Unless something unexpected happens the house will go on the market right after the holidays.  I have so much painting and work that I have to do and work to hire done, but less and less time to get it done.  I find myself sitting, stuck in the memories of 31 years lived in the house.  I knew it could have to end this way, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Next, Sabrina and I have been fostering a dog for my friend Lilly who rescues dogs.  Lucy, a 1 year old black terrier mix, has been a challenge to say the least.  She needs a lot of patience, but she gives a lot of love to any person that gives her attention.  At times it has been very difficult for me, like the night I had to take her to the emergency animal clinic in the middle of the night, it was a flash back to an endless number of late nigh ER visits with Robby.  And just like with Robby it started with trying to decide whether to go or try to wait it out overnight.  I cried the whole way to the clinic, and the whole way back.  But her time with us is coming to an end, Lilly is in search of a forever home for Lucy.

Finally, as for nightmares/tears/pain…..well status quo.  I have no idea when or if any of that will improve.  You know it’s funny, I have friends that push me about moving on, or getting rid of my son’s things.  But I have one friend that makes sense to me, he said don’t you ever forget your boy, hold on to all your memories, cry whenever you need to and talk about him anytime you need or want to.  Thank you for that advise Curtis.  So I just keep trying to move forward, but I can’t even think about moving on…….



Waiting……on the edge of my seat

Today I am so nervous!!!  One of the many applications I have out there is for a per diem bookkeeping job at the Hoag Foundation.  Last Monday I received a call from human resources and did a 15 minute phone interview on the drive to my temp job.  The man who called me said he would forward everything to the hiring manager and if the want a face to face interview they would call me the next Monday, which is today.  I have worked hard not to get my hopes up, I think I have done OK.  But I am very nervous and a little anxious.

So now I am trying to keep my nerves in check and my phone close………..


I woke up earlier this morning in tears, I was having a nightmare about Robby.  It went like this: I had to be in the hospital for a couple of days and made arrangements for 24 hour nursing for him at home.  But when I got home he was gone, someone had picked him up and taken him to a facility.  I couldn’t find out where, I called anyone I could think of, I drove all over to facilities and I still couldn’t find out anything about where he was placed.  I was devastated, angry and lost. Then I got a call from one of his doctor’s offices and a nurse I knew, she wanted to know why some facility was asking for a prescription for heart medication for Robby. I told her I didn’t know, that I didn’t even know where he was.  I went on to tell her everything that had happened, she gave me all the information for the facility and said she couldn’t understand why he would have been put there, apparently he had just been moved there from another facility.  I ran out the door and drove there as fast as possible.  They didn’t want to let me see him, but I pushed my way in. Once I found him I started pushing him towards the door, they said I couldn’t take him, I just kept going.  They said they were calling the police, I said go ahead I am his conservator and they said the facility was in the process of being named his new conservator.  I made it to the car, put him in, left the wheelchair they had him in there and left.  I had no idea where I was going, obviously we couldn’t go home…….then I woke up in tears.


“Fries” Part 2

Well not much has changed-I am still looking for a job.  I have applied for several more-I have lost count how many applications I have out there now.  I did get a temp job through a friend of mine, I am doing political phone banking.  I drive an hour to work a 4-1/2 hour shift and about 40 minutes to get home.  Well, it is something I can add to my resume and it gives me some money I can spend on the house.

Oh the house!!  I am still trying to get everything done, but less is getting done the last few weeks with working.  But I did get started on the outside of the house, that’s where I have to pay someone.  It is a much bigger project than I had planned on.  Each thing that gets done reveals something else that needs to be addressed.  The more that I have to pay to have done the less time I can stay in the house.  Everyday I face my deadline and my fear of having to move.

Update:just before posting this I got a call and did a phone interview for a job at a large hospital and now I am waiting to see if they call for a face to face interview.