Category: Anxiety

There’s Just Too Much Hate

I feel like everywhere I go there is hate. It comes in many forms, people who are just angry, people that are ready to be angry or offended, and people that can’t agree on anything, people who are intolerant, or people that think there is no hope to name a few. It manifests in so many ways; a person getting angry with a cashier, angry drivers, people that cut you off even at the market, hostility when you ask a question…… I don’t understand where all this hate is coming from, why is everyone so angry?

I have always been optimistic, so maybe that makes it hard for me to understand. I really want to try to figure it out. I find that all the tension it creates affects my anxiety. At first, I was surprised it had that effect on me. But when I thought more about it, I could see that it is the tension, not necessarily the actual hate that triggers my anxiety. I am finding the more anger and hate I encounter the more I don’t want to go out, that is challenging with my agoraphobia. I have worked hard and finally been able to ‘manage’ my agoraphobia. I am still scared that I could so easily backslide; I don’t want to go back. I know that I do not have the ability to fix society, but I’m hoping if I can find a way to understand the anger and hate better, I can manage it in my little world.

Long Time, No Posts

I can’t believe how long it has been since I posted, so much has happened, I will share more in future posts. I have missed writing here, this had become like my journal, so it feels good to start again.

I have been working on the finishing touches of my book. I had put it away for a while and even debated not finishing it. I decided it couldn’t be left unfinished, I have put so much time, work and tears into it. I have written a submission letter and will be sending it out to some publishers, hopefully one of them will give my story a chance. I have to admit sending the book out into the world is triggering some anxiety. I am trying to manage it by remembering the idea behind the book is to hopefully help someone else. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have just to hang out with my old friend anxiety. I am looking forward to seeing what feedback I receive from the publishers; I will share it here.

It feels like I am sending my child out into the world; let’s see what happens……..

The New Four Letter Word….Hate

Hate is nothing new, but it does seem to have reach a new level. It feels like hate has become a weapon, much like a blunt force instrument. People have always seemed to hate what is different or change or some hate just to hate. But now I see that level of hate is now baseline and hate today is so much more.

One current example of hate is found in politics. Now there’s never been a shortage of hate and anger in politics, but I see some that are so focused on hate and anger that they can’t see any other perspective. As I have written before, politics used to center around vigorous debate and exchange of ideas. And at the end of the day there would usually be some form of compromise. The greater good was not lost, now it’s hard to even find where the greater good is. And some don’t seem to care about it, they just want to spew their anger and hate. There’s certainly no shortage of hate in the new voter suppression laws.

Then there is society as a whole, there’s plenty of hate there. I am currently the target of hate in the community I live in. After my son died I bought a small condo and tried to start a life. I decided to run for the HOA board, I wanted to help keep the community nice and protect the investment I made. I knew the board was no popularity contest, but I had no idea it would get this bad. It has reached a point where lies have been spread about me, people who have been nice to me are silent or glare at me and yesterday I was harassed by someone I don’t even know. And a recall petition was filed earlier this week. Along with a letter full of defamatory lies. My understanding is that I will have an opportunity to speak for myself. I know nothing will change, but for me it’s important to take that opportunity, not that I have a great history of standing up for myself. But this time I feel very strongly about it and I think it’s partly about all the hate. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t have been on the board, I am too kind and that is a trait that will get you run over by those with an agenda to win at all costs.

My next dilemma is deciding if I can continue to live here. I don’t want to move, but I also don’t want to live in a toxic community. I have stayed in most of today, I just want to avoid the situation. I can’t do that for too long or I will end up back where I started with my agoraphobia. I think I need to allow myself some time to regain perspective and get my feet planted firmly, there’s more fighting to get through.

I know I am too optimistic, but I keep hoping to see the better nature in people……

Anxiety In Troubled Times

I have been wanting to write about the current events going on in this country, but my anxiety has distracted me. Today I feel like I can finally focus, so here I go.

Each of the last few years has felt more chaotic, more tense and more divisive. It feels like most people are angry, often I can’t even understand why or about what. I’ve seen society increasingly become more divided in a us vs. them mentality. It’s rich vs. poor, young vs. old, blue vs. red and if you don’t agree with someone you are wrong, with no discussion or exchange of ideas. Words can be powerful, but not when they are silenced. A lot of this has come from national leadership, that really influenced the us vs. them mindset. My experience in the past when it came to my country was that people have varying ideas and opinions that are based in their beliefs, life experiences, education and political ideology. And those thoughts and opinions were discussed, even with people that had different ideas. Sometimes there would be agreement, but sometimes that agreement was to disagree. Rarely would a discussion end with so much anger, even more rarely with threats. Threats were something that came from outside the country, from our enemies. Now it seems there is not a place for any discussion, any exchange of ideas. That’s sad! I have seen in the past where people of different backgrounds and beliefs could come together and achieve things for the greater good. This didn’t require anyone to change what they thought or believed, it only required them to see a bigger picture.

I hope that with the change in national leadership there will be change in the national conversation. Because there is nothing that says people have to change what they think or believe to be able to live and work together. Instead, all it requires is to accept each other for who they are. And in a country that prides itself for being free that shouldn’t be too much to ask.

Trying to Survive From A Distance

The underlying theme of 2020 for me has been survival. At the beginning of the pandemic it was survival of the fittest. The search for supplies, groceries and even toilet paper was challenging, especially when balancing the search with the precautions necessary for someone immunocompromised. I was able to get creative and manage to limit some of the risk. Then there was the first stay at home orders, I saw it as an opportunity to get things done around my house, and so I was ok with it…in the beginning. But I started to feel more and more cut off from friends and life. I got restless and frustrated and sad. And then there is my agoraphobia, I normally use my social connections to keep me motivated. I am concerned, without those connections I’m worried about backsliding. A friend came up with the idea of doing distanced lunch in my garage and my infectious disease doc signed off on the idea. It was great to feel some connection again. I have had a few visits in my garage. But now it’s cold and other people’s lives are moving forward, so visits have basically stopped.

Then came the first of the holidays, I have to say since my son died holidays are tough. But nothing like 2020, I was not only missing my son, I was alone with my grief, my pain and my loss. I tried to face the holidays, I tried to honor the memories of celebrating with my son. But the more holidays there were the harder that got. I finally just started focusing on work and ignoring the actual holidays.

The isolation became so hard I finally had a conversation with my ID doctor to see if any kind of social bubble could be safe for me. We discussed the people that I know and there was only one person she felt was safe for me to do a social bubble of one with. I was so excited!! I finally had the opportunity to see this person, movie night at his house. It felt wonderful to spend time with someone, it felt normal. But the ironic thing is now that person doesn’t want to see me again, so now I am back to being alone. I did find a way to write somewhere other than home, as I have posted before, I figured out how to work in my car. But the colder weather is sure to affect that too. I have tried to stay busy, I work on the book, I work on the business, I exercise, I run my errands. Some days I feel like I just go through the motions of life.

I celebrated my birthday alone, I did try to reach out to the one person my doc approved, but that didn’t work out. It was the worse birthday I’ve ever had. Before this my worse birthday was when I was on chemo. Then Christmas came, this one has really taken me down. But it’s a combination of things, of course there’s the pandemic, the increase in cases of Covid and the isolation, but there’s also so much anger and chaos in society and life. To try and help my own sanity I started baking and painting ornaments for small gifts. I felt like I needed to try and spread some kindness and even if it didn’t help others maybe it would help me. I creatively and safely delivered bake goods and the small gifts to friends and people I thought would be receptive to my small acts of kindness. But then after I did that I was just alone again. The actual holiday was hard, but I guess I survived it.

I was feeling very alone and lost this past Saturday, so I packed my laptop and went to the park to write, but I couldn’t focus on writing. Actually I just wanted to go home, so I did. When my son was having an off day I would change things, like what we were doing. I decided to try that, so I tried to borrow some movies I’ve really wanted to see from someone, but that didn’t work out. So I ended up just crying and feeling so lost and alone. It’s been interesting, the more I open up to people about how I am doing, the less I hear from them, which makes me feel more isolated.

In the beginning of the pandemic my worse fear was getting Covid-19, I was afraid I wouldn’t survive it. My docs confirmed that, they don’t feel I would have a good outcome. But the longer we are on this journey, this curve, I feel that mentally surviving is getting harder and harder.

Isolation is More Than Being Alone

I am still struggling with the new normal, which has no relationship with normal at all. I have tried to come to peace with being home, trying hard not to feel trapped, but I haven’t succeeded yet. Being alone isn’t always easy, fortunately having been an only child I do know how to be my own friend. My biggest problems are feeling cut off from life, the loss of social contact and the loss of human connection. I am hugger, I love to give hugs and I love to get hugs. It has been about eight months since I have shared a hug with anyone. I haven’t even been less that 6 feet away from any of my friends. It’s not normal, it’s not even natural to be so detached from other people.

As I have mentioned before, when my agoraphobia was at it’s worse I felt like life keep moving without me. And now I feel that again, although it seems harder this time, last time I still had Robby with me, but now it’s just me. And under normal circumstances I can deal with the fact I’m alone, mostly because I still had my social connections. But now there’s none of that, and I just feel more and more alone. It’s never been easy being immunocompromised, but I was able to find a way to live with it, but now it’s the barricade between me and life.

I have tried reaching out to stay in contact with people, but their lives are still moving forward, so that hasn’t always been very successful. I worry that the longer this lasts the less likely I am to reconnect or even catch up with others.

Book Update

In a brief departure from current events, I wanted to post a book update. I hadn’t worked on the book for several months, too much distraction. Normally when I feel distracted I go somewhere to write. I have a couple of favorite places, but with the pandemic that hasn’t been an option. So with no end in sight I decided it was time for some creative thinking. So I started thinking about how I could go write somewhere, but be safe. I came up with an idea, I could park my car somewhere pleasant, preferably with shade, and work in the car. Next thing was figuring out how to do it comfortably, I came up with the idea I could slide over into the passenger’s seat, put my legs up on the driver’s seat and my laptop could go on my lap. I decided the next thing was to try it out, so I packed my lunch, my laptop and went to a park that I feel a connection to. I slid over , set up and turned on my mobile hotspot. Sure enough, it worked. I will admit it probably looks a little strange, but I can live with that.

Another update regarding the book is a new idea I’ve been thinking about. I am considering self publishing as an option. It sounds a little scary, but I like the idea of keeping editorial control over the book. I have trouble with the idea that someone else could cut my book into pieces and reassemble the pieces. And I’ve been reading, you can still sell to a publisher after you self publish, which would provide for larger distribution. I’m still exploring it, but I think it may be a good option.

New Realizations…..

The topic on most people’s mind is the new reality, and it’s an appropriate subject. I think most of us are trying to figure out how to navigate the new reality, it’s certainly is not like life as we have known it.

For me it seems to also be a time to look at my life and see what changes may be necessary. Normally I wouldn’t take as much time to reflect on this, but these are not normal times. I have realized there are some things that need work.

The first new realization is I have a longtime relationship that I need to let go of, not an easy process. I haven’t talked to this person for a while, so I thought maybe I would just let it go that way. But then that didn’t feel right, besides I had some things I really wanted to say. I decided to write a letter, I learned that in therapy. I thought it would let me feel like I had said what I wanted to. I started writing and rewriting and rewriting until I felt like it reflected what I wanted to say. While I was working on the letter I wasn’t sure if I would mail, maybe writing would be enough. Once it was finished I decided to go ahead and mail it, which I did. It’s been about three weeks and I have been second guessing myself whether or not I should have sent it and whether or not it says what I think it does. I am the worst for overthinking things. But it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about, so I just have to let it go. If only it was that easy.

There are more realizations that I need to address, but I am going to take a break and do something else before I address any of them. This was a difficult process and not as freeing as I had thought it would be.

Pandemic Panic

I have been struggling with my panic/anxiety and my agoraphobia during the pandemic. In the beginning it didn’t seem as bad, there was a level of distraction and shock. Then things got crazy so fast and then came the lockdown. When that started I was ‘ok’, I saw it as an opportunity get some things done around my house. At first that’s what I did, I cleaned, I went through things, I cooked and I stayed home. But then things starting get worse with the virus and I started having trouble. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and then I became what I would call non-functional. I would spend an entire day in bed, or just sitting. I was aware of this behavior; I just couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I knew I couldn’t continue this way, so I pushed myself to get up and I used something I learned in therapy. When I started working toward going outside Dr Eppler told me to get dressed like I was going somewhere to create a mindset of going. So, I tried that now, I got up, showered and got dressed. Some days I still did not do anything, but I figured at least I had gotten dressed, I took that as progress.

I became scared that my years of hard work and progress with my agoraphobia would disappear, I don’t want to start over again. I tried to reach out to a couple of people that had provided me with motivation before, but no luck. I am alone and that wasn’t helping either. I had tried being busy, I switched my small business to making fabric face masks, that helped some. One day I realized I was basically living in my bedroom, this reminded me too much of my agoraphobia. All I knew was I needed to figure out why this was happening so I could hopefully find a way to deal with it.

Obviously, coronavirus is affecting my anxiety, as I have mentioned before I am immunocompromised, I have primary immune deficiency. I was given information from some of my doctors about precautions I need to take and how to protect myself. I was also told that if I get this my chances of surviving are not good. Another contributing factor was the isolation, I have used social interaction to motivate me with my agoraphobia, now that is gone. Just like when I was stuck in my house, I feel like life is passing me by, this time I worry if I can catch back up with it. Then there was the question I asked my infectious disease doctor, I asked how long these precautions would be necessary for people like me. She said till at least March 2021, but she feels it will be extended till later in the year. That felt like getting hit by a truck. I again found myself non-functional. Adding to the anxiety now is the spike in cases of Covid-19.

So, as of now, I am experimenting to find things that might help. I have increased my daily exercise. Normally I do 1 hour at home and 1 hour at the gym, but of course the gym is off limits for me till maybe next year. I have found that exercise really helps my anxiety. I am trying to do better about being productive, like working, cooking and cleaning. I am still filling mask orders, but I am also back producing the regular products for my business. I am limiting my outings, which I have tried to do all along. I don’t go out until I have 3 or 4 things I need to take care of. I get dressed most days, whether I am going out or not. And some days that includes accessories, something that I love and something that feels normal. I have pushed myself to eat meals at the dining table or at least not in my bedroom. I have started some creative projects like painting. I am still struggling with motivation and focus, but hopefully that will get better.

As I type these words, I can feel the anxiety, panic and fear in them. I will continue to share how I am doing. It will be like journaling, that will give me a much needed outlet to talk about it. And if any of you are dealing with increased panic and anxiety please feel free to share it in a comment. I am holding on to hope that there is a way to get through this; holding on to hope has gotten me this far.

To Mask or Not to Mask….

I have been watching the debate over mask orders, which seems to include death threats for health officials that make the orders regarding mask and claims of a loss of freedom and constitutional rights. This issue is close to my heart as an immunocompromised person. But I am going to take a open minded/unemotional look at this issue.

First some general observations, I will use my county in California as my example, but I may also refer to my state as a whole. In the county where I live the health officer issued a order changing masks from recommended to required when businesses started to open. This was met with anger, protests and death threats against her. She ended up resigning, and then the order was changed back. Mind you every business, medical facility, restaurants, hair salon and nail shop require people to wear mask. This is not only their right to do, but is included in all the recommendations for reopening; CDC, state and local. Just about a week ago the governor issued a mandate requiring masks in response to the spike in cases we are experiencing in the state and specifically in certain counties, including my county. This has refueled the mask debate.

First lets look at the constitutional rights argument. I will try to look at the amendments that might be applicable in the interest of time. As for freedom of speech and freedom of assembly, I think that the very fact that people have gathered and protested the mask issue means there is no loss of freedom of speech and assembly. The press had covered this, as well as the other issues regarding coronavirus, so we still have a free press. And I can’t figure out how a mask could interfere with someone practicing their religion. Now some people may argue that a mask is cruel and unusual punishment, I’m not sure that would stand up in court, but I’m sure someone will try.

The other argument has been that the mask orders are an overreach of government. Since states have broad powers to protect the health and safety of the people, it would seem like a mask order would fit into that power. Lets look at the back story, researchers have been looking into the science of masks. Their studies have been focused on whether a mask protects the wearer and/or the people around them. At the beginning of the pandemic it wasn’t clear if it did offer protection, there was actually a lot of confusion on the topic. But as more has been learned about Covid-19 scientists and doctors agree that a mask does offer protection and is one of the few things you can do for protection. I’ve heard some doctors refer to wearing a mask as a sign that you respect and care for others.

I will close with my own conclusions about masks. First, I understand that no one wants to wear one, neither do I. For me I weigh it against the risk of getting Covid-19 and I feel like it’s a no brainer. It’s only a piece of fabric and it’s not forever, although it may be for those of us immunocompromised. I’ve heard some doctors compare it to the argument regarding seatbelts, that seems like a great analogy. Both are required for the purpose of protecting your health and safety. Seatbelts have certainly saved lives and severe injuries. In time I think masks will be shown to have saved lives. I will leave you with a question, what if we all wear a mask and this virus gets under control and we could get on the other side of this pandemic?

I don’t usually use this forum to take on issued like this, but it has become such a controversy and like it said it’s close to my heart.