Month: November 2013

Being Thankful

I have always thought that being thankful was something that should not be limited to just one day a year, but that one day does give the opportunity to slow down and reflect.  Thanksgiving is a time for people who love and care about each other (family and friends alike) to come together to celebrate and that is certainly something to be thankful for. 

My cancer has reinforced my belief that you should not leave things unsaid, if you do then the opportunity may be lost and you will just be left with regret.  So I want to take a moment to share at least some of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that my son Robby and I will be spending Thanksgiving with a wonderful family.  Last year we were invited by Angela, one of Robby’s nurses, to spend the holiday with her family, it was a wonderful experience for us.  So to get the chance to spend the holiday with them again this year is truly a blessing. 

Speaking of nurses, I am so thankful to both Angela and Kevin for the amazing care they give Robby.  They have come to be like family to us,  it’s hard to believe it’s only been just over a year and a half since they started here.  I don’t know what we would do with out them and I don’t want to find out.  In addition to caring for Robby they have also provided a variety of much needed support to me.  I’m not sure that I can ever thank them enough for all they do and for being who they are.

Another fresh perspective that cancer brings is the appreciation for even the small things and special moments in life.  Which brings me to Robby, I could not be more thankful for the time I share with him.  I am grateful for his smiles (that can melt your heart) and his attitude (good and bad); they make him who he is.  And early mornings when he and I have our time together, just us.

I am more than thankful for my ‘adopted family’-Robby and I are so lucky to have been welcomed into their family.  They are always there for us and I try to always be there for them.  We have been through much together-good and bad-which seems to make us even closer.  Robby and I didn’t really have any family until we were ‘adopted’ by Jo, Curtiss, Brandon, Dan and yes even Grammy. 

Speaking of family, I am thankful and blessed for continuing to reconnect with Patrick.  It has made it possible for my son Robby to connect with family, something that has been missing in his life.  We are also blessed with the opportunity to get to know Patrick’s partner David.  And then there is the gift of getting to appreciate and enjoy Patrick’s art again; he is truly an amazing and talented artist.

I want to thank Dr Eppler, I have been working with him for approximately 10 years now.  He has helped and supported me more than I can say, like helping me get on the right path to move in a positive direction to get my life back.  He has also been the one encouraging me to write my book and even to launch this blog.  For all he does thank you feels like it’s not enough, but that said-thank you.

I am thankful for all the new friends I have made and the things I was able to experience this year-many of which would have been impossible to do before.  I am sure that I am forgetting some things, but it feels like I have started another book here.  So I will leave with this thought….never miss the opportunity to say thank you.

 

Update-Dealing With Death

I attended the funeral for my cousin Andy and I was right it was a wonderful celebration of his life.  As I had mentioned I would be see family I have not seen for many, many years and by the time I arrived at the church I was getting a little anxious about seeing everyone.  But it was an amazing experience, I felt very welcome.  We shared memories, photos-both old and new, stories-old and new, exchanged phone numbers and email addresses and agreed to stay in contact.  I hope we do.

I have been to more funerals than I can count in my life, and missed several during the years that we didn’t go and the years that I could not go.  With all those funerals I thought I had seen and felt everything until this time.  It was different sitting there knowing that I have stage 4 cancer and sooner, rather than later, I will be the one who’s gone.  It wasn’t a sad feeling, it was a feeling of…..well I guess you could say reality.  It wasn’t scary, just a realization, but in a different way….it is really hard to find the words to explain it.  The one thing that is once again clear to me is the importance of living life in the moment….time is something not to be taken for granted.

Dealing with Death-An Ongoing Issue For Me

Today I am going to the funeral of my cousin Andy.  He died in a bodysurfing accident at the age of 54-way too young.  The loss of Andy will be felt by so many people-friends and family alike.  For a lucky group of people Andy’s death will change their lives forever, you see Andy was an organ donor.  That is truly an amazing and life changing gift.

For me Andy’s death has brought back lots of memories and presents me with the opportunity to face some of my issues, first the obvious one-death.  I have spent a lot of time and effort in therapy trying to find better, healthier ways to deal with death-not easy.  I have lost so many people I love, including my husband.  Because of that I had gotten to place where death would just cause me to shut down.  When my husband died I buried my grief in an effort to survive and function, this was a mistake.  Not dealing with his death contributed to my panic and anxiety, then my eventual agoraphobia.  I tell everyone I know that the most  important thing is to grieve and deal with it at the time or you will end up in therapy writing your life story and that sucks.

Second, I will be attending a funeral, something that I have not done since my husband died nearly 23 years ago.  And by going I will be pushing my comfort zone once again and I will be seeing family I have not seen in many, many years.  I don’t feel anxious (at least not yet) but I do feel a little nervous, I am not going to let that stop me from going.  And the funeral is being held at the church where my husband I got married-yes, another issue.

I know it sounds funny to say this, but I am looking forward to attending the funeral.  Separate from any issues I have, it is the opportunity to honor the life of a wonderful person who touched so many lives, including my own and will be greatly missed-that’s the reason I am so determined to go.

A Goal Left Unfinished

I had a friend that introduced me to the wonderful world of ballroom dance lessons a few months ago.  This was a test of my willingness to further push the limits of my comfort zone.  I went there in my wheelchair, something not often seen at a dance studio.  I worked very hard to be able to drive myself there, which was so much further than I had ever driven before.  It was important to me that I could get to the studio on my own.

At first I was only able to be in one corner, then my one corner and one side and my one corner and the other side.  Eventually with a lot of help, the patience of the instructors and my determination I made it all the way around the outside edge of the dance floor…this was huge for me.  I even pushed myself to walk into the studio from the car pushing my wheelchair.  The center of the dance floor was a scary place, but I wanted to overcome the fear and anxiety.  I tried and the instructors tried to help…but it’s a goal not met.

ballroom-dancersI have had to quit dance classes for financial reasons…a painful decision.  I miss dancing, the friends I made and the people I care deeply about.  But the thing I can’t seem to get past is the goal not achieved…the center of the dance floor.  I don’t deal well with things left undone, but I have to find a way to deal with this unfinished goal…..how?  Good question.