Month: December 2013

Thoughts of Christmas-Past and Present

Each year as the holidays grow closer I find myself remembering Christmas’ past, especially the ones when I was a little girl before my Grandfather died (he died when I was seven).  There was something so special about those Christmas’, it was a feeling in the air.  It had nothing to do with presents, it felt warm, loving and even magical.  The holidays were filled with lights, family, friends, baking, cooking, entertaining and going to see Santa.  After Grandpa died those feelings of Christmas were gone, they were replaced with memories of family tension, disagreements and even anger.  This was not Christmas as I knew it and I have tried year after year to get it back, but so far I have not be successful.  

This year we had the priviledge of spending Christmas Eve with our adopted family.  Every year they have a very large open house with family and friends; it is quite a gathering.  I dressed Robby in his Santa pants and hat then Kevin, Robby and I were off.  It was amazing seeing everyone, meeting some family members I had not yet met, sharing wonderful food and conversation and seeing the kids run, play and laugh; it felt like Christmas.  Robby made friends with Grammy, who shared cookies and other treats with him.  He also watched the kids running and playing, Jo’s three year old grandson Jude had fun throwing a foam airplane at Robby and Robby didn’t seem to mind.  Seeing the excitement and joy in the faces of the children took me back to the Christmas’ with my Grandpa.  It made me think that perhaps the feeling I have been searching for is really about simple joy and love and sharing both with the people I love.

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It’s Time to Face the Reality of Cancer……Again

Living with cancer changes your perspective, things that seemed important before cancer may no longer be important.  Many things that most people take for granted have a new importance.  Time is one of those things….most people seem to go along taking time for granted-like there is a never end supply of time.  But when you have cancer, especially stage 4 cancer, you realize quickly what a precious commodity time can be.  I am trying hard to have more time with my son Robby.  To that end I have done chemo-18 cycles of chemo so far-with no regrets. 

Well, I have had a short break in my chemo, something that my body is grateful for.  But now it is time for another cancer marker blood test and exam with my oncologists-the outcome could send me back to chemo.  I am willing to return to chemo in exchange for more time with my son.  Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t want to give the impression that chemo is fun, it is not.  But to have the gift of more time with my son I will do as much chemo as I can.  I know there will come a time that I cannot do anymore chemo, or as I call it, the quantity vs. quality decision-but I am not there yet.

The results of my current cancer marker test and exam have extended my short break from chemo, unless something changes.  I am pleased to have at least a little more time for my body to recover from chemo.  But that being said I also feel like I am back waiting  for the other shoe to drop.  The feeling of impending doom does not help my anxiety.  The two things I need to remember right now are: my oncologist made it clear in the beginning that recurrence for me is not if, but when and for today-no chemo.  In a short time we will go through this again, except this time we will add scans-but that’s for another day…..

Black Friday Shopping–Mall vs Pajamas

Black Friday shopping has become part of Thanksgiving-like leftovers.  I know my Mom and I used to spend part of Thanksgiving Day with the ads deciding what stores we would go to and in what order-like a well calculated battle plan.  Then we would be up and out at dawn with our lists, ads and layer upon layer of clothes.  When my agoraphobia made it impossible for me to go to the sales it seemed that was the end for our shopping.  But then we discovered the wonderful world of online shopping.  Not only was this a new way for us to continue to shop, but best of all we could shop in pajamas-it doesn’t get better than that.

This year I decided to go out to a couple of stores on my own.  At 7 AM I was at Old Navy, it was a great experience.  They had an amazing sale and lots of employees to help and every check out was open.  After that I felt confident to try another sale, so about 3 PM I went to Target.  It was busy, but not crazy.  I had two things I was looking for, the first took me to the men’s department.  What an ordeal, they had moved the already crowded racks even tighter together.  I still go out in my wheelchair-it makes me feel safe enough to go places.  So, I saw what I was looking for and I tried to make my way through the maze to get there.  I got almost there when my wheelchair got stuck, I could not move forward or back.  So I had a panic attack-I haven’t had one in a very long time.  The only way I finally got out was to push a display enough to back out.  I tried to find the other item, but had no luck and I decided that I just wanted to leave.

What I learned from this experience is that even if you can go it doesn’t mean you have to go.  And shopping is pajamas is so much better than fighting a crowd.  So next big sale I will be at my computer with my stack of ads, and yes in my pajamas.

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