I was so hopeful that my health care situation was going to become clearer-but no.  I have now met with someone at clinic about the available plans and the costs-scary stuff!!  As I feared the costs are impossible for me, but clinic doesn’t see it that way.  After they expressed some serious issues with my budget I spent three days cutting, canceling services, subscriptions and I was able to cut enough so that it actually covers my costs-no more bill roulette.  But still there is not enough for all the costs of a health plan.  I could just barely pay the premium and that would leave about $30 a month toward the co-pays and deductibles.  So I met again with someone at clinic and was enrolled in the only plan they are accepting.  I have no idea what I am going to do, I feel like I am in a topsy-turvy maze that has no exit.  I am running and running as fast as I can and fighting as hard as I can–but getting no where.  I keep ending up at the same place–what am I going to do?  I don’t know.  I mean what is the advantage of having a health plan if you can’t afford to use it?

The stress of all this is taking a huge toll on me-I am short of breath all the time, dizzy a lot of the time, crying often, not sleeping much and, if possible, even more tired.  I can’t take much more, my body is already compromised by my cancer and treatment.  But if I don’t fight who will?  I am not even sure exactly what I am fight for or against who or what winning would be.  I keep trying to gather enough information to understand it all, but so far that hasn’t found any answers.  So I continue to run the maze with no exit, perhaps I should have brought some hedge cutters to this fight.  My biggest hope at this point is to figure out what to do, sooner rather than later and before my body gives out on me.

I often use that expression, it seems to me to be a good description of how life can feel.  With that in mind, earlier this week I toured a facility for future placement for my son, Robby.  I have fought most of his life to not place him, but with my cancer I have to make sure all the plans for him are in place.  It was a very nice facility, it was clean, the nursing staff was friendly, they have a great retention rate with the staff, there are other younger patience like my son, lots of activities for all levels of function and they can provide the personal assistance he requires.  All this was great to find, but there is one problem-I now have the visual image of Robby being in a facility and I am not dealing well with that.  I know placement is not only the right option, but it is the only option and that finding the right place is very important to me and Robby.  I realize there is no place that will be like home or provide the same kind of care he has received at home.  So now I am waiting to here back from them about whether they can take his custom bed, it not only keeps him safe, but also gives him a piece of home to take with him.

I still have a couple more places to tour and then I will be so glad to have this done and just spend time with Robby.  It will be great to put this project away, if only I could put away that image I have dreaded all these years and the anxiety/panic response that has followed seeing him in a facility.  The most important thing is to find the right place that will provide for his needs.  After that maybe the anxiety/panic will subside-although it will certainly be replaced with the next stressful thing……