Month: April 2014

Being Overwhelmed

I often compare myself to the plate spinner at the circus.  You see I have always believed that if I can run fast enough to keep all the plate spinning then everything will be OK.  But being short on energy, I find that lately I can’t keep all the plates spinning and several are crashing to the ground.  This is not easy for me to accept, I have always told myself that failure is not an option, but I am beginning to understand and even accept that it is not failure, but rather just another change.

In my past I have lived through and dealt with huge amounts of stress and being overwhelmed was just a way of life.  I never really believed that I could do it all, but I was willing to try.  I was the designated adult in my family from the time I was young, this did not change as an adult.  But what did change was the arrival of my friend anxiety, and eventually panic and finally agoraphobia.  This did make things more complicated, but I kept going, sometimes better than others and when the panic got too bad I would hide for a while or just go to bed. 

Now with all the changes in my life things are different, yet similar.  I am still responsible for everything, except for the 8 hours a day of Robby’s care, we have nurses to care for him.  This leaves again with the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I am finding it more difficult and demanding to keep up, I just don’t have the strength or energy.  This brings me back to the falling plates.  No matter how hard I try or how fast I try to run it is not enough.  At first I was just frustrated and angry, but that didn’t help, it just me more tired.  So after being disappointed with myself (old behavior) I thought I would try looking at it as objectively as I could.  The conclusion I came to is that I have to just do the best I can on any given day and that just has to be enough….

Now all that’s left is to convince myself that is acceptable and reprogram my brain that it is OK if some of the plates fall…..as long as I am not standing under them!!!!

plate spinning circus specialty act,plate spinner artist

The More I Think I Understand Life….The More Questions I have

I have spent a lot of my life on a search for answers.  Now, I am not in search of the deeper meaning of life, I don’t have that much time or energy.  But I am trying to understand why things happen or what they mean.  This is not a new project for me, I have spent most of my life researching everything, that is how I learned….anything and everything. 

In my search I have learned a few really good survival skills, like picking your battles.  I used that one mostly with my Mom, she could argue and stand her ground on any topic, whether or not she was right.  Then there is the skill of letting things just roll off your back, that one stills needs some work, but I am making progress.  When my husband died, my Grandmother taught me a great survival skill, she told me that everyone will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that not true, with time you just learn to live with it.  Over the years I have come to agree.

But the one thing I am still trying hard to understand is people.  I pride myself on the ability to read people, but what I don’t seem to get is why some people do the things they do.  Is it just them?  Or is it something  that I do that causes them to pull away?  I understand what it means to be a friend, how to be there to support and help, how to laugh-even when it is difficult, smile, cry and to love.  But then someone I think I know does something that I can not for the life of me figure out.  I am left with so many questions and no obvious way to get answers.  I tried calling this person and I asked the question that I needed to ask ‘what happened’.  I waited to hear the answer, although I didn’t need the answer, I had for the probably the first time in our 23 year friendship, stood up for myself and didn’t just work to make everything OK.  I got an answer, but it still left me with questions.  In the few days following my call I have decided that perhaps there are no good answers, maybe it just goes back to my best survival skill of all, if you don’t expect anything or if you set your expectations low enough you will rarely be disappointed.