I often compare myself to the plate spinner at the circus. You see I have always believed that if I can run fast enough to keep all the plate spinning then everything will be OK. But being short on energy, I find that lately I can’t keep all the plates spinning and several are crashing to the ground. This is not easy for me to accept, I have always told myself that failure is not an option, but I am beginning to understand and even accept that it is not failure, but rather just another change.
In my past I have lived through and dealt with huge amounts of stress and being overwhelmed was just a way of life. I never really believed that I could do it all, but I was willing to try. I was the designated adult in my family from the time I was young, this did not change as an adult. But what did change was the arrival of my friend anxiety, and eventually panic and finally agoraphobia. This did make things more complicated, but I kept going, sometimes better than others and when the panic got too bad I would hide for a while or just go to bed.
Now with all the changes in my life things are different, yet similar. I am still responsible for everything, except for the 8 hours a day of Robby’s care, we have nurses to care for him. This leaves again with the feeling of being overwhelmed. I am finding it more difficult and demanding to keep up, I just don’t have the strength or energy. This brings me back to the falling plates. No matter how hard I try or how fast I try to run it is not enough. At first I was just frustrated and angry, but that didn’t help, it just me more tired. So after being disappointed with myself (old behavior) I thought I would try looking at it as objectively as I could. The conclusion I came to is that I have to just do the best I can on any given day and that just has to be enough….
Now all that’s left is to convince myself that is acceptable and reprogram my brain that it is OK if some of the plates fall…..as long as I am not standing under them!!!!
