Month: October 2016

Waiting……on the edge of my seat

Today I am so nervous!!!  One of the many applications I have out there is for a per diem bookkeeping job at the Hoag Foundation.  Last Monday I received a call from human resources and did a 15 minute phone interview on the drive to my temp job.  The man who called me said he would forward everything to the hiring manager and if the want a face to face interview they would call me the next Monday, which is today.  I have worked hard not to get my hopes up, I think I have done OK.  But I am very nervous and a little anxious.

So now I am trying to keep my nerves in check and my phone close………..

Nightmares……

I woke up earlier this morning in tears, I was having a nightmare about Robby.  It went like this: I had to be in the hospital for a couple of days and made arrangements for 24 hour nursing for him at home.  But when I got home he was gone, someone had picked him up and taken him to a facility.  I couldn’t find out where, I called anyone I could think of, I drove all over to facilities and I still couldn’t find out anything about where he was placed.  I was devastated, angry and lost. Then I got a call from one of his doctor’s offices and a nurse I knew, she wanted to know why some facility was asking for a prescription for heart medication for Robby. I told her I didn’t know, that I didn’t even know where he was.  I went on to tell her everything that had happened, she gave me all the information for the facility and said she couldn’t understand why he would have been put there, apparently he had just been moved there from another facility.  I ran out the door and drove there as fast as possible.  They didn’t want to let me see him, but I pushed my way in. Once I found him I started pushing him towards the door, they said I couldn’t take him, I just kept going.  They said they were calling the police, I said go ahead I am his conservator and they said the facility was in the process of being named his new conservator.  I made it to the car, put him in, left the wheelchair they had him in there and left.  I had no idea where I was going, obviously we couldn’t go home…….then I woke up in tears.

 

“Fries” Part 2

Well not much has changed-I am still looking for a job.  I have applied for several more-I have lost count how many applications I have out there now.  I did get a temp job through a friend of mine, I am doing political phone banking.  I drive an hour to work a 4-1/2 hour shift and about 40 minutes to get home.  Well, it is something I can add to my resume and it gives me some money I can spend on the house.

Oh the house!!  I am still trying to get everything done, but less is getting done the last few weeks with working.  But I did get started on the outside of the house, that’s where I have to pay someone.  It is a much bigger project than I had planned on.  Each thing that gets done reveals something else that needs to be addressed.  The more that I have to pay to have done the less time I can stay in the house.  Everyday I face my deadline and my fear of having to move.

Update:just before posting this I got a call and did a phone interview for a job at a large hospital and now I am waiting to see if they call for a face to face interview.

Late Night Tears and Pain

It’s 12:25AM and I am both exhausted and awake.  Late nights I seem to fall apart, I think it because there is no audience.  During the day is hard, but most of the time I can maintain, but admittedly not always.  But then night comes and I feel it coming, a pain from deep inside that nearly takes my breath away.  Then comes the emptiness, followed by the feeling of being lost and then the tears, oh the endless tears.  The loss of my son has shattered by heart and  left me broken and alone.  I miss him every minute of the day, but in the quiet of night the feelings just overwhelm me.  Sleep evades me, there are some nights I am lucky enough to cry myself to sleep, but not for long.  I have had to sleep with lots of lights on, the times I do sleep I wake up and immediately think I need to check on Robby.  After 31 years of that being the norm, it is a hard habit to break.  But with the lights on I can remember that it is not the norm anymore and then I am back at pain and tears………

(I am writing this tonight through tears and nearly consumed by the pain and loss)