Month: December 2020

Trying to Survive From A Distance

The underlying theme of 2020 for me has been survival. At the beginning of the pandemic it was survival of the fittest. The search for supplies, groceries and even toilet paper was challenging, especially when balancing the search with the precautions necessary for someone immunocompromised. I was able to get creative and manage to limit some of the risk. Then there was the first stay at home orders, I saw it as an opportunity to get things done around my house, and so I was ok with it…in the beginning. But I started to feel more and more cut off from friends and life. I got restless and frustrated and sad. And then there is my agoraphobia, I normally use my social connections to keep me motivated. I am concerned, without those connections I’m worried about backsliding. A friend came up with the idea of doing distanced lunch in my garage and my infectious disease doc signed off on the idea. It was great to feel some connection again. I have had a few visits in my garage. But now it’s cold and other people’s lives are moving forward, so visits have basically stopped.

Then came the first of the holidays, I have to say since my son died holidays are tough. But nothing like 2020, I was not only missing my son, I was alone with my grief, my pain and my loss. I tried to face the holidays, I tried to honor the memories of celebrating with my son. But the more holidays there were the harder that got. I finally just started focusing on work and ignoring the actual holidays.

The isolation became so hard I finally had a conversation with my ID doctor to see if any kind of social bubble could be safe for me. We discussed the people that I know and there was only one person she felt was safe for me to do a social bubble of one with. I was so excited!! I finally had the opportunity to see this person, movie night at his house. It felt wonderful to spend time with someone, it felt normal. But the ironic thing is now that person doesn’t want to see me again, so now I am back to being alone. I did find a way to write somewhere other than home, as I have posted before, I figured out how to work in my car. But the colder weather is sure to affect that too. I have tried to stay busy, I work on the book, I work on the business, I exercise, I run my errands. Some days I feel like I just go through the motions of life.

I celebrated my birthday alone, I did try to reach out to the one person my doc approved, but that didn’t work out. It was the worse birthday I’ve ever had. Before this my worse birthday was when I was on chemo. Then Christmas came, this one has really taken me down. But it’s a combination of things, of course there’s the pandemic, the increase in cases of Covid and the isolation, but there’s also so much anger and chaos in society and life. To try and help my own sanity I started baking and painting ornaments for small gifts. I felt like I needed to try and spread some kindness and even if it didn’t help others maybe it would help me. I creatively and safely delivered bake goods and the small gifts to friends and people I thought would be receptive to my small acts of kindness. But then after I did that I was just alone again. The actual holiday was hard, but I guess I survived it.

I was feeling very alone and lost this past Saturday, so I packed my laptop and went to the park to write, but I couldn’t focus on writing. Actually I just wanted to go home, so I did. When my son was having an off day I would change things, like what we were doing. I decided to try that, so I tried to borrow some movies I’ve really wanted to see from someone, but that didn’t work out. So I ended up just crying and feeling so lost and alone. It’s been interesting, the more I open up to people about how I am doing, the less I hear from them, which makes me feel more isolated.

In the beginning of the pandemic my worse fear was getting Covid-19, I was afraid I wouldn’t survive it. My docs confirmed that, they don’t feel I would have a good outcome. But the longer we are on this journey, this curve, I feel that mentally surviving is getting harder and harder.

Pandemic Rant

I have been working on a different post and trying to resist the urge to write about this, but I feel it needs to be written. As I write this my region of California has been put on a stay at home order due to the lack of available ICU beds. And in the days that have followed the availability of those beds is diminishing.

To give context to my rant I need to go back to the beginning of this pandemic. I have been appalled by the leadership in my county, or lack there of. I have seen a health officer forced to quit because of harassment and death threats after issuing a mask mandate. I have seen people get crazy angry over the wearing of a simple mask. I watched the board of supervisors of my county try to find a way out of the state mask mandate in the midst of the first surge. I have seen friendships end over differences of opinion about Covid. I have had people point and laugh at me wearing a mask in my car. I have been accused of being too careful, too concerned about the risk. I have seen people I know be diagnosed with Covid, and I know people that have died of Covid. I’ve heard an endless number of conspiracy theories. I’ve seen a lack of national leadership. I have seen individuals and some businesses defy the basic precautions to slow the spread.

With all that said, I have some questions. What is so bad about wearing a mask? I not excited about wear a mask, but since it can save lives it seems like a no brainer. I’ve heard people say wearing a mask violates their rights, I’ve thought about this and I don’t see it. It doesn’t silence your voice, it doesn’t interfere with your faith, it doesn’t take away your right to protest, it didn’t prevent anyone from exercising their right to vote. It doesn’t interfere with going to work or freely moving about. The people who have died of Covid have lost all those rights. And how many of them lost their life because of someone who couldn’t be bothered?

Now I hear the anger at this new stay at home order, and I understand, we are all ready for this to be over. But it’s not! I understand the frustration of businesses that are taking a hit in the midst of this pandemic. I understand they don’t feel it’s fair to have to close or have to change again how they do business. But on the other side, how many lives are they willing to sacrifice to have business as usual? As an immunocompromised person I am expected to stay home, I believe it isn’t until the last tier that we are invited to rejoin society. To me, it feels like I am giving up some of my freedom only to watch others make, frankly, stupid choices. On Thanksgiving I spent the day alone, as I have all the holidays this year, because it’s not safe for me to have close contact with most people. But I watched over the holiday as millions of people traveled and spent time with family, totally disregarding the advise of the experts. And why? Because it’s what they wanted to do, damn the consequences!! I hope that none of their loves ones get Covid.

And now at their most recent meeting the out of touch leadership in Orange County is once again trying to be excluded from a state order. They feel the stay at home order isn’t fair and that OC shouldn’t have to be lumped in with the other So Cal counties. They feel OC is in better shape, but the numbers don’t support that. Never the less, they are going to ask the governor to separate Orange County and let the county be responsible for dealing with Covid. This is a frightening prospect, I can’t imagine the governor will approve this request, I certainly hope he doesn’t. Then I saw on the news in the another state during a meeting of local officials there was one official who’s 12 year old child was at home and this official needed to leave the meeting because protesters were pounding on the door of her home. This is not right, yes there is a right to protest, but not to scare family members, especially children. I support the right to peacefully protest, by all means carry a sign, safely gather and even chant or yell, but pounding on the door of a private residence crosses a line, actually I studied law and that would be considered trespassing. And all this is again over a simple piece of fabric that when worn can save lives.

Please for the sake of your fellow human beings, please wear a mask, socially distance and wash your hands. And please only gather with your own household or your own social bubble. And if you feel compelled to protest, do so, but please do it safely and legally. Someone’s life literally depends on what you do.