Month: April 2021

The New Four Letter Word….Hate

Hate is nothing new, but it does seem to have reach a new level. It feels like hate has become a weapon, much like a blunt force instrument. People have always seemed to hate what is different or change or some hate just to hate. But now I see that level of hate is now baseline and hate today is so much more.

One current example of hate is found in politics. Now there’s never been a shortage of hate and anger in politics, but I see some that are so focused on hate and anger that they can’t see any other perspective. As I have written before, politics used to center around vigorous debate and exchange of ideas. And at the end of the day there would usually be some form of compromise. The greater good was not lost, now it’s hard to even find where the greater good is. And some don’t seem to care about it, they just want to spew their anger and hate. There’s certainly no shortage of hate in the new voter suppression laws.

Then there is society as a whole, there’s plenty of hate there. I am currently the target of hate in the community I live in. After my son died I bought a small condo and tried to start a life. I decided to run for the HOA board, I wanted to help keep the community nice and protect the investment I made. I knew the board was no popularity contest, but I had no idea it would get this bad. It has reached a point where lies have been spread about me, people who have been nice to me are silent or glare at me and yesterday I was harassed by someone I don’t even know. And a recall petition was filed earlier this week. Along with a letter full of defamatory lies. My understanding is that I will have an opportunity to speak for myself. I know nothing will change, but for me it’s important to take that opportunity, not that I have a great history of standing up for myself. But this time I feel very strongly about it and I think it’s partly about all the hate. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t have been on the board, I am too kind and that is a trait that will get you run over by those with an agenda to win at all costs.

My next dilemma is deciding if I can continue to live here. I don’t want to move, but I also don’t want to live in a toxic community. I have stayed in most of today, I just want to avoid the situation. I can’t do that for too long or I will end up back where I started with my agoraphobia. I think I need to allow myself some time to regain perspective and get my feet planted firmly, there’s more fighting to get through.

I know I am too optimistic, but I keep hoping to see the better nature in people……

Standing Up To Life

Since October when it became clear I would have to give up some of my hopes and dreams I feel I haven’t been myself. I seem to lack focus and I have felt lost, defeated and frankly sad. There has been no shortage of tears. I have never considered myself a victim and I don’t want to start now. So after months and months of being in this dark place, I feel like I need to stand up for myself and look life in the face. I need to try and reconnect with my optimism, I need to channel a little Pollyanna.

This past year has been tough, I have felt isolated and very alone. But the one thing I had to hold onto was my hopes and dreams. They were my source of inspiration and motivation, especially with my agoraphobia. I would use them to motivate me to try harder, push further and most importantly, not to backslide. And sometimes they were just a bright spot in my day. It wasn’t about whether or not they would come true, although that would have been great, it was about believing that life can be better. That’s where I can tap into my Pollyanna. She has gotten me through some hard times in my life. But in the last few months she seems to be as lost as I feel.

I feel like if I don’t try to stand up and face life it is going to just run me over. It sounds so easy, but lacking focus and motivation is making it hard. Plus if you factor in the loss at the center of those hopes and dreams, it feels like a step hill to climb. So, I’m going to start to push myself and it maybe only tiny steps in the beginning, like in the beginning of therapy with my agoraphobia. If I’m lucky along the way I will find some other hopes and dreams, but they will never replace the ones I have lost.