My name is Tammy Philbin and I have lived the last 22+ years with agoraphobia. During that time I have taken care of my disabled son, Robby, my grandmother, my step father and my Mom. In May of 2012 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I have tried to live a normal life in a less than normal situation, sometimes with more success than others. My experiences don’t make me special, but they do give me a different and unique perspective on life.
This blog is in connection with a book I am writing by the same name, Marching In Place. It is about life, death and everything in between while living with agoraphobia. Here is the overveiw of the book:
In my experience agoraphobia is not something that happens in a vacuum-it seems to be an accumulation of emotional things that finally overwhelms you and the initial retreat seems the only option. Then in time it is the only thing you can deal with and before you know it there you are a prisoner in your own space-a “safe space” where you feel like hopefully the bad is outside and you will be OK inside. Although there are those days when even inside is too much, I remember days when I could not go from the back of my house to the front. And the hardest part is that it seems ridiculous even to yourself, but you cannot seem to change it—it becomes the power over your life. Eventually this isolation, for lack of a better term, becomes the norm, even my friends adjusted to my new normal. I went through many difficult events, but then the event that sent me on a search for help was my Mother’s diagnosis of breast cancer-severe breast cancer. With the help of my doctor (who I saw at my home) we found a therapist that would also see me at home. Our first phone call I remember clearly-he asked my why was I seeking help now? The answer was clear and honest-my Mom has just been diagnosed with cancer. This truly was the only motivation at that point. I believe that whatever the motivation, the important thing is for something to provide that push-or as I call it the kick in the pants to start the process of reclaiming your life. I found it frightening how much you can lose of yourself. I went from a fun loving, full of life wild child to a quiet, reserved good girl. The best part of the process for me was reclaiming my inner wild child-the strange part of that was the reactions of friends that did not know her from before. I call this book Marching in Place because that is very symbolic to me, agoraphobia made me feel like I spent a lot of time and energy stuck in one place with an invisible wall keeping me there, but now I see that there is life on the other side of that wall and everyday I work hard to try to get to that place, that life. I will be nothing but honest, therapy is hard, sometimes as overwhelming as the agoraphobia can feel, but it is also the tool that you need to help you start to climb that wall and see the life that can be possible. As for me, I am still climbing that wall, but I will never give up hope, I believe that I can make it over the wall and fully reclaim my life. I have found that the most important thing to remember is that agoraphobia did not happen in a day and it wont be gone in a day-but everyday can be a step forward-even if it is a small step. I never thought that I would share my story, but feeling like no one understood how this felt and that the only books I could find were by doctors explaining agoraphobia, maybe opening a window and letting in some light would help take agoraphobia out of the shadows and maybe seem at least a little less hopeless. My story is not a clinical look at this, but rather an honest, sometimes funny, sometimes scary, sometimes messy and sometimes sarcastic view of living with and searching for a way out of a place no one should be-but some of us do end up there.
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