Author: Tammy Philbin

Being Overwhelmed

I often compare myself to the plate spinner at the circus.  You see I have always believed that if I can run fast enough to keep all the plate spinning then everything will be OK.  But being short on energy, I find that lately I can’t keep all the plates spinning and several are crashing to the ground.  This is not easy for me to accept, I have always told myself that failure is not an option, but I am beginning to understand and even accept that it is not failure, but rather just another change.

In my past I have lived through and dealt with huge amounts of stress and being overwhelmed was just a way of life.  I never really believed that I could do it all, but I was willing to try.  I was the designated adult in my family from the time I was young, this did not change as an adult.  But what did change was the arrival of my friend anxiety, and eventually panic and finally agoraphobia.  This did make things more complicated, but I kept going, sometimes better than others and when the panic got too bad I would hide for a while or just go to bed. 

Now with all the changes in my life things are different, yet similar.  I am still responsible for everything, except for the 8 hours a day of Robby’s care, we have nurses to care for him.  This leaves again with the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I am finding it more difficult and demanding to keep up, I just don’t have the strength or energy.  This brings me back to the falling plates.  No matter how hard I try or how fast I try to run it is not enough.  At first I was just frustrated and angry, but that didn’t help, it just me more tired.  So after being disappointed with myself (old behavior) I thought I would try looking at it as objectively as I could.  The conclusion I came to is that I have to just do the best I can on any given day and that just has to be enough….

Now all that’s left is to convince myself that is acceptable and reprogram my brain that it is OK if some of the plates fall…..as long as I am not standing under them!!!!

plate spinning circus specialty act,plate spinner artist

The More I Think I Understand Life….The More Questions I have

I have spent a lot of my life on a search for answers.  Now, I am not in search of the deeper meaning of life, I don’t have that much time or energy.  But I am trying to understand why things happen or what they mean.  This is not a new project for me, I have spent most of my life researching everything, that is how I learned….anything and everything. 

In my search I have learned a few really good survival skills, like picking your battles.  I used that one mostly with my Mom, she could argue and stand her ground on any topic, whether or not she was right.  Then there is the skill of letting things just roll off your back, that one stills needs some work, but I am making progress.  When my husband died, my Grandmother taught me a great survival skill, she told me that everyone will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that not true, with time you just learn to live with it.  Over the years I have come to agree.

But the one thing I am still trying hard to understand is people.  I pride myself on the ability to read people, but what I don’t seem to get is why some people do the things they do.  Is it just them?  Or is it something  that I do that causes them to pull away?  I understand what it means to be a friend, how to be there to support and help, how to laugh-even when it is difficult, smile, cry and to love.  But then someone I think I know does something that I can not for the life of me figure out.  I am left with so many questions and no obvious way to get answers.  I tried calling this person and I asked the question that I needed to ask ‘what happened’.  I waited to hear the answer, although I didn’t need the answer, I had for the probably the first time in our 23 year friendship, stood up for myself and didn’t just work to make everything OK.  I got an answer, but it still left me with questions.  In the few days following my call I have decided that perhaps there are no good answers, maybe it just goes back to my best survival skill of all, if you don’t expect anything or if you set your expectations low enough you will rarely be disappointed.

Changes

As everyone knows, but might not like, the fact is that life seems to constantly be changing.  People come and go, they die, babies are born, jobs change, there are promotions, then there are marriages, divorces, even change of mind and so much more.  I know when my panic/anxiety and agoraphobia where at their worst change was something I did not deal well with.  To try to deal with changes I would just visit my old friend denial again and make believe that things were just the same-that worked for me….or maybe not.  I fooled myself for as long as possible, I found that creating my own little world inside my house made it a little easier to cope.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t confronted with changes, I was, but I put them into my own context.  When that didn’t work I just buried whatever changes there were, hoping never to see them again.  But then therapy came along and suddenly my previously denied and buried changes were on public display.  

I find that I have become better about handling change, at least most of the time.  But there are some times when it seems like there are more changes than I can deal with.  I feel like I have been knee deep in way too many changes lately and I am overwhelmed.   I have someone I am very close with that lives a distance away and is now moving further away.  I have had some deaths, changes in my life style, health changes, changes in the way I access medical care, changes with my son, and I am sure there are more that I am forgetting.  I think it would help if I had some sort of chart to keep it all straight.  I have decisions to make that could lead to more changes in our life.   I am trying hard to use the tools I have learned in therapy to keep it all in perspective, you’ll notice I said trying.

 

 

Life can be so……..overwhelming

There have been times when I felt overwhelmed by my anxiety.  But for some time now that’s been better, or at least manageable.  Lately it seems that life is what tends to be overwhelming.  It’s not any one thing in particular, actually most of the time it is simply the accumulation of things that is overwhelming to the point that I just want to run.  Running is the way I cope (or not cope) when I am overwhelmed.

About a month ago I was so stressed about several things; like money, health issues, house issues, money, my son, legal issues and oh yeah money.  I started feeling like I couldn’t breath and like I was having palpitations.  I tried to reduce some of my stress (if only that was simple) but it didn’t seem to help.  But, as always with me I just kept going.  Then I started having chest pains, so I decided that perhaps I needed to go to the emergency room-so I did.  They did some tests, consulted with a cardioligist, did some more test and I learned what a code 10 is (chest pains).  But after all that there were no conclusive answers.  So, since then I have had more tests-a cardiac CT, echocardiogram, another EKG and I have seen the cardioligist, who has ordered another test, an Adenosine test.

Through all this the one thing I have not had is anxiety, but I’m not sure I have the energy to be anxious.  All this would seem enough to deal with…but no.  We recently had a large rain storm here in California and I had flooding in my garage.  So I have been moving things that were in the water.  I had an interesting experience, I was moving extra floor tiles out to dry and I was short of breath, having palpitations and was a little dizzy-so I learned that if you stay bent over it is easier to deal with the dizziness, or you are just closer to the ground.  Now, I don’t recommend that anyone try that, but for today it got me through and sometimes that just has to be enough.

Is It Me or Is Time Standing Still?

I used to be a very patient person, I could actually drive my Mom crazy just by being patient-she was not in any way a patient person.  Over the years I became a little less patient and now…..well now I am beyond impatient.  Lately I feel like I am even becoming intolerant-not a trait I am happy about.  I think that life has a way of chipping away at you until it finally exposes the nerve.

I am spending this weekend waiting…..that would be difficult enough, but I am waiting for information that could greatly impact my life.  So far I have tried hard to not be anxious, I’ve trying not to think about it and I have even tried letting it go.  I have had only minimal success….all this frustration is just adding to my stress, the same stress I am suppose to be avoiding.  

So, now how will I deal with this?  I still have to wait until sometime Tuesday and that seems so far off right now.  I think I have to try to remember that I can’t change what will happen…doesn’t that sound easy?  In reality I am getting some things done and trying to rest so I will be ready to deal with what comes next.  But in the meantime it certainly feels like time is standing still…….

 

Down the Rabbit Hole-Accessing Medical Care Part 2

I was so hopeful that my health care situation was going to become clearer-but no.  I have now met with someone at clinic about the available plans and the costs-scary stuff!!  As I feared the costs are impossible for me, but clinic doesn’t see it that way.  After they expressed some serious issues with my budget I spent three days cutting, canceling services, subscriptions and I was able to cut enough so that it actually covers my costs-no more bill roulette.  But still there is not enough for all the costs of a health plan.  I could just barely pay the premium and that would leave about $30 a month toward the co-pays and deductibles.  So I met again with someone at clinic and was enrolled in the only plan they are accepting.  I have no idea what I am going to do, I feel like I am in a topsy-turvy maze that has no exit.  I am running and running as fast as I can and fighting as hard as I can–but getting no where.  I keep ending up at the same place–what am I going to do?  I don’t know.  I mean what is the advantage of having a health plan if you can’t afford to use it?

The stress of all this is taking a huge toll on me-I am short of breath all the time, dizzy a lot of the time, crying often, not sleeping much and, if possible, even more tired.  I can’t take much more, my body is already compromised by my cancer and treatment.  But if I don’t fight who will?  I am not even sure exactly what I am fight for or against who or what winning would be.  I keep trying to gather enough information to understand it all, but so far that hasn’t found any answers.  So I continue to run the maze with no exit, perhaps I should have brought some hedge cutters to this fight.  My biggest hope at this point is to figure out what to do, sooner rather than later and before my body gives out on me.

Reality: It’s Like a Kick to the Head

I often use that expression, it seems to me to be a good description of how life can feel.  With that in mind, earlier this week I toured a facility for future placement for my son, Robby.  I have fought most of his life to not place him, but with my cancer I have to make sure all the plans for him are in place.  It was a very nice facility, it was clean, the nursing staff was friendly, they have a great retention rate with the staff, there are other younger patience like my son, lots of activities for all levels of function and they can provide the personal assistance he requires.  All this was great to find, but there is one problem-I now have the visual image of Robby being in a facility and I am not dealing well with that.  I know placement is not only the right option, but it is the only option and that finding the right place is very important to me and Robby.  I realize there is no place that will be like home or provide the same kind of care he has received at home.  So now I am waiting to here back from them about whether they can take his custom bed, it not only keeps him safe, but also gives him a piece of home to take with him.

I still have a couple more places to tour and then I will be so glad to have this done and just spend time with Robby.  It will be great to put this project away, if only I could put away that image I have dreaded all these years and the anxiety/panic response that has followed seeing him in a facility.  The most important thing is to find the right place that will provide for his needs.  After that maybe the anxiety/panic will subside-although it will certainly be replaced with the next stressful thing……

Book Update

untitleduntitleduntitledWell, after the holidays and way too many distractions, I am back to work on my book.  I have most chapters written and now am editing, adding details and obsessing!!  I have four chapters ‘done’, meaning they have been read, re-read, shared with my circle and edited.  I just finished re-writing chapter five, which is now being circulated around my circle.  While they read it and give their opinions I will move on to chapter six, it is also written, but needs some changes. 

It’s hard to believe that out of my journals could grow a real book.  I know it took a lot of persuasion to get me to write this book, but I am so excited about it and after chapter six is ‘done’ I intend to start shopping it around, that should be another interesting adventure!!!

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Through the Looking Glass-Accessing Medical Care

After 28 years of accessing the healthcare system for my disabled son I was sure that I had seen it all.  But almost two years ago when I was told I had cancer I was amazed at what came next.  I do not have medical insurance, I had always just paid my own medical costs.  Two hospitals turned me away because I could not pay in full upfront for my surgery.  I called a third hospital dreading their response, but they told me that they would work with me-I was beyond shocked.  I then got a referral from my obgyn to a oncologist that worked at that hospital, she is amazing.  Her office referred me to clinic that could help me with my healthcare and the cost of my surgery.  The clinic did help me, they made arrangements to cover the cost of my surgery and the treatment that followed.  I have been a patient of the clinic ever since, where I pay on a sliding scale for my primary care.

Everything was fine until the beginning of this year with the new healthcare system.  I am getting a lot of pressure from clinic the take a healthcare plan that I can’t afford, I live on a very limited income.  All this was stressful enough, but now stress has met it’s friend anxiety after finding out that if I do not take a healthplan I may not be able to stay at clinic.  I have no idea what I will do if that happens. 

As of now I have done 18 cycles of palliative chemo, but I am sure this type of chemo will not be covered by any of these healthcare plans, as my chemo is buying me time-cure is not an option.  These healthcare plans are outcome based, which is problematic as my prognosis is poor.  I feel like if I am forced to take a healthcare plan it is like forcing me to decide I am willing to give up future chemo and therefore shortening the time I could have with my son-I am not ready to make that choice.  After 2 weeks of all this stress and 2 more weeks until I meet with someone at clinic to look at the healthplans my anxiety has reached a point where I feel like I can’t take a deep breath-I hate this feeling.

I thought trying to access what my son has needed all these years was like a trip to Alice’s Wonderland, but now with my situation I feel like I am peering through the looking glass and what I see is frightening.

New Year-New Possibilities

It’s always interesting to me how perceptions change as we get older.  When I was young New Years Eve was really just an excuse to party with friends, then it seem to become a time to celebrate and reflect on the year that was ending and look forward to the year that was starting.  But now I find it is a combination of all of that, but mostly for me it’s like a fresh start.  For me every Monday is start-over day, a chance to do better, be more organized and…..  New Years is like the ultimate start-over day.  It gives the opportunity to leave at least some of the past behind and to look forward to new possibilities that life can offer.  In case you haven’t picked-up on it yet, I will admit I am an optimist-although life has forced me over the years to be a bit of a realist as well.

This New Year’s Day I celebrated once again with my son, Robby.  We wore silly metallic party hats, we had noise makers and I was happy to celebrate the beginning of another year with my son.  In past years New Years was just another anxiety filled holiday, the unknown can be so scary.  But now I have so many ‘unknowns’ in my life, I try not to focus on that and then it seems at least a little less scary and less filled with anxiety.  I have no idea what this year will bring or where it may take us, but I am going to try the less anxiety approach and just try focus on the possibilities and remain hopeful………

I wish you all a Happy New Year and let’s see what the coming year brings!!!!!