Category: Agoraphobia

There’s Just Too Much Hate

I feel like everywhere I go there is hate. It comes in many forms, people who are just angry, people that are ready to be angry or offended, and people that can’t agree on anything, people who are intolerant, or people that think there is no hope to name a few. It manifests in so many ways; a person getting angry with a cashier, angry drivers, people that cut you off even at the market, hostility when you ask a question…… I don’t understand where all this hate is coming from, why is everyone so angry?

I have always been optimistic, so maybe that makes it hard for me to understand. I really want to try to figure it out. I find that all the tension it creates affects my anxiety. At first, I was surprised it had that effect on me. But when I thought more about it, I could see that it is the tension, not necessarily the actual hate that triggers my anxiety. I am finding the more anger and hate I encounter the more I don’t want to go out, that is challenging with my agoraphobia. I have worked hard and finally been able to ‘manage’ my agoraphobia. I am still scared that I could so easily backslide; I don’t want to go back. I know that I do not have the ability to fix society, but I’m hoping if I can find a way to understand the anger and hate better, I can manage it in my little world.

Long Time, No Posts

I can’t believe how long it has been since I posted, so much has happened, I will share more in future posts. I have missed writing here, this had become like my journal, so it feels good to start again.

I have been working on the finishing touches of my book. I had put it away for a while and even debated not finishing it. I decided it couldn’t be left unfinished, I have put so much time, work and tears into it. I have written a submission letter and will be sending it out to some publishers, hopefully one of them will give my story a chance. I have to admit sending the book out into the world is triggering some anxiety. I am trying to manage it by remembering the idea behind the book is to hopefully help someone else. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have just to hang out with my old friend anxiety. I am looking forward to seeing what feedback I receive from the publishers; I will share it here.

It feels like I am sending my child out into the world; let’s see what happens……..

The New Four Letter Word….Hate

Hate is nothing new, but it does seem to have reach a new level. It feels like hate has become a weapon, much like a blunt force instrument. People have always seemed to hate what is different or change or some hate just to hate. But now I see that level of hate is now baseline and hate today is so much more.

One current example of hate is found in politics. Now there’s never been a shortage of hate and anger in politics, but I see some that are so focused on hate and anger that they can’t see any other perspective. As I have written before, politics used to center around vigorous debate and exchange of ideas. And at the end of the day there would usually be some form of compromise. The greater good was not lost, now it’s hard to even find where the greater good is. And some don’t seem to care about it, they just want to spew their anger and hate. There’s certainly no shortage of hate in the new voter suppression laws.

Then there is society as a whole, there’s plenty of hate there. I am currently the target of hate in the community I live in. After my son died I bought a small condo and tried to start a life. I decided to run for the HOA board, I wanted to help keep the community nice and protect the investment I made. I knew the board was no popularity contest, but I had no idea it would get this bad. It has reached a point where lies have been spread about me, people who have been nice to me are silent or glare at me and yesterday I was harassed by someone I don’t even know. And a recall petition was filed earlier this week. Along with a letter full of defamatory lies. My understanding is that I will have an opportunity to speak for myself. I know nothing will change, but for me it’s important to take that opportunity, not that I have a great history of standing up for myself. But this time I feel very strongly about it and I think it’s partly about all the hate. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t have been on the board, I am too kind and that is a trait that will get you run over by those with an agenda to win at all costs.

My next dilemma is deciding if I can continue to live here. I don’t want to move, but I also don’t want to live in a toxic community. I have stayed in most of today, I just want to avoid the situation. I can’t do that for too long or I will end up back where I started with my agoraphobia. I think I need to allow myself some time to regain perspective and get my feet planted firmly, there’s more fighting to get through.

I know I am too optimistic, but I keep hoping to see the better nature in people……

Standing Up To Life

Since October when it became clear I would have to give up some of my hopes and dreams I feel I haven’t been myself. I seem to lack focus and I have felt lost, defeated and frankly sad. There has been no shortage of tears. I have never considered myself a victim and I don’t want to start now. So after months and months of being in this dark place, I feel like I need to stand up for myself and look life in the face. I need to try and reconnect with my optimism, I need to channel a little Pollyanna.

This past year has been tough, I have felt isolated and very alone. But the one thing I had to hold onto was my hopes and dreams. They were my source of inspiration and motivation, especially with my agoraphobia. I would use them to motivate me to try harder, push further and most importantly, not to backslide. And sometimes they were just a bright spot in my day. It wasn’t about whether or not they would come true, although that would have been great, it was about believing that life can be better. That’s where I can tap into my Pollyanna. She has gotten me through some hard times in my life. But in the last few months she seems to be as lost as I feel.

I feel like if I don’t try to stand up and face life it is going to just run me over. It sounds so easy, but lacking focus and motivation is making it hard. Plus if you factor in the loss at the center of those hopes and dreams, it feels like a step hill to climb. So, I’m going to start to push myself and it maybe only tiny steps in the beginning, like in the beginning of therapy with my agoraphobia. If I’m lucky along the way I will find some other hopes and dreams, but they will never replace the ones I have lost.

Trying to Survive From A Distance

The underlying theme of 2020 for me has been survival. At the beginning of the pandemic it was survival of the fittest. The search for supplies, groceries and even toilet paper was challenging, especially when balancing the search with the precautions necessary for someone immunocompromised. I was able to get creative and manage to limit some of the risk. Then there was the first stay at home orders, I saw it as an opportunity to get things done around my house, and so I was ok with it…in the beginning. But I started to feel more and more cut off from friends and life. I got restless and frustrated and sad. And then there is my agoraphobia, I normally use my social connections to keep me motivated. I am concerned, without those connections I’m worried about backsliding. A friend came up with the idea of doing distanced lunch in my garage and my infectious disease doc signed off on the idea. It was great to feel some connection again. I have had a few visits in my garage. But now it’s cold and other people’s lives are moving forward, so visits have basically stopped.

Then came the first of the holidays, I have to say since my son died holidays are tough. But nothing like 2020, I was not only missing my son, I was alone with my grief, my pain and my loss. I tried to face the holidays, I tried to honor the memories of celebrating with my son. But the more holidays there were the harder that got. I finally just started focusing on work and ignoring the actual holidays.

The isolation became so hard I finally had a conversation with my ID doctor to see if any kind of social bubble could be safe for me. We discussed the people that I know and there was only one person she felt was safe for me to do a social bubble of one with. I was so excited!! I finally had the opportunity to see this person, movie night at his house. It felt wonderful to spend time with someone, it felt normal. But the ironic thing is now that person doesn’t want to see me again, so now I am back to being alone. I did find a way to write somewhere other than home, as I have posted before, I figured out how to work in my car. But the colder weather is sure to affect that too. I have tried to stay busy, I work on the book, I work on the business, I exercise, I run my errands. Some days I feel like I just go through the motions of life.

I celebrated my birthday alone, I did try to reach out to the one person my doc approved, but that didn’t work out. It was the worse birthday I’ve ever had. Before this my worse birthday was when I was on chemo. Then Christmas came, this one has really taken me down. But it’s a combination of things, of course there’s the pandemic, the increase in cases of Covid and the isolation, but there’s also so much anger and chaos in society and life. To try and help my own sanity I started baking and painting ornaments for small gifts. I felt like I needed to try and spread some kindness and even if it didn’t help others maybe it would help me. I creatively and safely delivered bake goods and the small gifts to friends and people I thought would be receptive to my small acts of kindness. But then after I did that I was just alone again. The actual holiday was hard, but I guess I survived it.

I was feeling very alone and lost this past Saturday, so I packed my laptop and went to the park to write, but I couldn’t focus on writing. Actually I just wanted to go home, so I did. When my son was having an off day I would change things, like what we were doing. I decided to try that, so I tried to borrow some movies I’ve really wanted to see from someone, but that didn’t work out. So I ended up just crying and feeling so lost and alone. It’s been interesting, the more I open up to people about how I am doing, the less I hear from them, which makes me feel more isolated.

In the beginning of the pandemic my worse fear was getting Covid-19, I was afraid I wouldn’t survive it. My docs confirmed that, they don’t feel I would have a good outcome. But the longer we are on this journey, this curve, I feel that mentally surviving is getting harder and harder.

Isolation is More Than Being Alone

I am still struggling with the new normal, which has no relationship with normal at all. I have tried to come to peace with being home, trying hard not to feel trapped, but I haven’t succeeded yet. Being alone isn’t always easy, fortunately having been an only child I do know how to be my own friend. My biggest problems are feeling cut off from life, the loss of social contact and the loss of human connection. I am hugger, I love to give hugs and I love to get hugs. It has been about eight months since I have shared a hug with anyone. I haven’t even been less that 6 feet away from any of my friends. It’s not normal, it’s not even natural to be so detached from other people.

As I have mentioned before, when my agoraphobia was at it’s worse I felt like life keep moving without me. And now I feel that again, although it seems harder this time, last time I still had Robby with me, but now it’s just me. And under normal circumstances I can deal with the fact I’m alone, mostly because I still had my social connections. But now there’s none of that, and I just feel more and more alone. It’s never been easy being immunocompromised, but I was able to find a way to live with it, but now it’s the barricade between me and life.

I have tried reaching out to stay in contact with people, but their lives are still moving forward, so that hasn’t always been very successful. I worry that the longer this lasts the less likely I am to reconnect or even catch up with others.

Book Update

In a brief departure from current events, I wanted to post a book update. I hadn’t worked on the book for several months, too much distraction. Normally when I feel distracted I go somewhere to write. I have a couple of favorite places, but with the pandemic that hasn’t been an option. So with no end in sight I decided it was time for some creative thinking. So I started thinking about how I could go write somewhere, but be safe. I came up with an idea, I could park my car somewhere pleasant, preferably with shade, and work in the car. Next thing was figuring out how to do it comfortably, I came up with the idea I could slide over into the passenger’s seat, put my legs up on the driver’s seat and my laptop could go on my lap. I decided the next thing was to try it out, so I packed my lunch, my laptop and went to a park that I feel a connection to. I slid over , set up and turned on my mobile hotspot. Sure enough, it worked. I will admit it probably looks a little strange, but I can live with that.

Another update regarding the book is a new idea I’ve been thinking about. I am considering self publishing as an option. It sounds a little scary, but I like the idea of keeping editorial control over the book. I have trouble with the idea that someone else could cut my book into pieces and reassemble the pieces. And I’ve been reading, you can still sell to a publisher after you self publish, which would provide for larger distribution. I’m still exploring it, but I think it may be a good option.

Pandemic Panic

I have been struggling with my panic/anxiety and my agoraphobia during the pandemic. In the beginning it didn’t seem as bad, there was a level of distraction and shock. Then things got crazy so fast and then came the lockdown. When that started I was ‘ok’, I saw it as an opportunity get some things done around my house. At first that’s what I did, I cleaned, I went through things, I cooked and I stayed home. But then things starting get worse with the virus and I started having trouble. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and then I became what I would call non-functional. I would spend an entire day in bed, or just sitting. I was aware of this behavior; I just couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I knew I couldn’t continue this way, so I pushed myself to get up and I used something I learned in therapy. When I started working toward going outside Dr Eppler told me to get dressed like I was going somewhere to create a mindset of going. So, I tried that now, I got up, showered and got dressed. Some days I still did not do anything, but I figured at least I had gotten dressed, I took that as progress.

I became scared that my years of hard work and progress with my agoraphobia would disappear, I don’t want to start over again. I tried to reach out to a couple of people that had provided me with motivation before, but no luck. I am alone and that wasn’t helping either. I had tried being busy, I switched my small business to making fabric face masks, that helped some. One day I realized I was basically living in my bedroom, this reminded me too much of my agoraphobia. All I knew was I needed to figure out why this was happening so I could hopefully find a way to deal with it.

Obviously, coronavirus is affecting my anxiety, as I have mentioned before I am immunocompromised, I have primary immune deficiency. I was given information from some of my doctors about precautions I need to take and how to protect myself. I was also told that if I get this my chances of surviving are not good. Another contributing factor was the isolation, I have used social interaction to motivate me with my agoraphobia, now that is gone. Just like when I was stuck in my house, I feel like life is passing me by, this time I worry if I can catch back up with it. Then there was the question I asked my infectious disease doctor, I asked how long these precautions would be necessary for people like me. She said till at least March 2021, but she feels it will be extended till later in the year. That felt like getting hit by a truck. I again found myself non-functional. Adding to the anxiety now is the spike in cases of Covid-19.

So, as of now, I am experimenting to find things that might help. I have increased my daily exercise. Normally I do 1 hour at home and 1 hour at the gym, but of course the gym is off limits for me till maybe next year. I have found that exercise really helps my anxiety. I am trying to do better about being productive, like working, cooking and cleaning. I am still filling mask orders, but I am also back producing the regular products for my business. I am limiting my outings, which I have tried to do all along. I don’t go out until I have 3 or 4 things I need to take care of. I get dressed most days, whether I am going out or not. And some days that includes accessories, something that I love and something that feels normal. I have pushed myself to eat meals at the dining table or at least not in my bedroom. I have started some creative projects like painting. I am still struggling with motivation and focus, but hopefully that will get better.

As I type these words, I can feel the anxiety, panic and fear in them. I will continue to share how I am doing. It will be like journaling, that will give me a much needed outlet to talk about it. And if any of you are dealing with increased panic and anxiety please feel free to share it in a comment. I am holding on to hope that there is a way to get through this; holding on to hope has gotten me this far.

Pandemic Pandemonium

It’s been about three months since I posted, and so much has happened. I have been struggling with my panic/anxiety. I’ll start with some quick updates from my last post, first the hoarding is better, but not completely gone. Toilet paper and paper towels are still at times very hard to find. Grocery store shelves are still not full, antibacterial wipes and cleaner can be nearly impossible to find be found. I did finally get some hand sanitizer, I felt like I won the lottery! Grocery shopping has become a cross between hide and seek and survivor.

One of the biggest changes is that the economy is opening up, which for people like me that are immunocompromised is scary and doesn’t include us. Under the CDC, state and local guidelines we are still to stay at home. My infectious disease doctor told that these precautions for me will last until at least March of 2021, and she believes it will be extended past that. This has been hard, I feel cut off from people and life. I have used social connections to help me with my agoraphobia, but now that is not an option. It’s funny, when my agoraphobia kept me at home I felt like my life was on pause. But as I could rejoin life I had to deal with the reality that life continued on without me, I felt like I had been left behind. I have continued to deal with that feeling. And now, with the reopening I find myself feeling that all over again. People are going out shopping, getting their haircut, complaining that they can’t get their nails done yet and more. And once again life is moving forward without me.

I have found that the majority of people think that only old people, especially in nursing homes, are the only people at risk, that is not true. There are a lot of people like me, not old, living in our homes but with various conditions that put us at risk. For me it’s two conditions that put me in that category, as I have written about before I am a stage 4 cancer patient and I have Primary Immune Deficiency. I have dealt with my immune problems my whole life, I have learned how to be ‘safe’ and still be able to live a mostly normal life, until now. I think one of the biggest threats to me with the coronavirus is I don’t make antibodies, I never get over anything on my own. My doctors have told me that if I get Covid-19 I probably wouldn’t survive it, that’s a big dose of reality.


Chaos, Confusion and Christmas…..

It’s been a long dry spell between posts, where to begin? Well, since my last post I celebrated my birthday in November, we celebrated a quiet Thanksgiving and I was busy sewing aprons, more on that later. Then I was in a curated boutique at a church, which brought us to all the chaos of Christmas. The normal chaos of Christmas was joined with confusion and deadlines. As I mentioned I was busy sewing aprons, this was something that started the Christmas before. I had made a couple of aprons like my Great Grandmother made and wore for a few friends that cook and bake. Out of that came the suggestion to make them to sell. I decided to name them for my Great Grandma, so I call them Gram C’s Vintage Aprons. I love sharing her apron legacy with others, she was a huge influence in my life. As it says on the hangtag on the aprons, she taught me how to cook and how to wear an apron. Christmas Day I was able to spend time with a very good friend and his family, it was wonderful. So much of the holidays is about family and I don’t have any family. I enjoyed being with his kids and their kids, it felt like Christmas.

Then came New Years, I don’t do resolutions, but I usual have something I am hoping for or hope to do. This year I want to limit the amount of negativity in my life. That sounds like a big goal, but it needs to happen. I am surviving with stage four cancer with a recurrence, the death of my son (my heart), the death of my husband, the loss of my family, agoraphobia, other health issues and my panic and anxiety. I think at this point wanting less negativity is a necessity.

The new year has brought with it more progress on the book, 15 chapters done and I am working on the last three. My hope for this year is to find a publisher. My goal to this point was to finish the book, I didn’t want to leave it unfinished. And now with the finish line is sight, I want to be able to see it published. It’s funny what started out as something I wasn’t sure I really want to do has grown into this huge accomplishment, I am so proud of this project and my hope has always been that it might help someone else.

For more information about the aprons please visit Gram C’s Vintage Aprons Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/gram.c.vintage.aprons