Category: Agoraphobia

Embracing Weirdness

I have had several people tell me that I am weird.  At first I was annoyed by this, everyone is different, is that weird?  But after thinking about it I have decided to embrace my weirdness!  I am different/weird, I have never lived a normal life and I am okay with that.  There have been times when I have tried to hide my weirdness, but why should I have to do that?  To make someone else feel better?  I am tired of trying to change so people will accept me.  Well, no more!  I am embracing my weirdness!

I’m sure there are many things that make me seem weird, like my anxiety.  Even though there are so many people who have some degree of anxiety it seems there is still a lack of knowledge and a stigma attached to it.  Then there is my agoraphobia, talk about a lack of knowledge.  And if it doesn’t make me feel weird enough, by the time I try to explain it I want to hide from me.   There seems to be a mindset that when something isn’t understood it is weird or strange or just wrong.

That lack of understanding was true in my life with my son, Robby.  He had problems not easily understood and his behavior was not the ‘norm’.  So people were stand offish with him, when he was little people would even keep their kids away from him.  So I created a life for us and only invited in people that accepted us.  This made us seem weird, but we were happy!

And now I have someone in my life that suffers from debilitating social anxiety, and trust me people think that’s weird.  But I have found that some of the best people I know and love are weird and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

So, try not to avoid people who seem different or weird.  In stead say hi, get to know them.  Their weirdness may just be what you need in your life.  And if you are the weird one like me, just embrace your weirdness, life is so much happier when you aren’t trying to hide it.

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I’ve Met The Enemy….And It’s Tiny

It’s been too long since I posted here, I’ve been dealing with a new enemy.  I am allergic to mosquito bites.  This summer I have already been bit 16 times, it’s just the middle of July.  This battle has taken me to the ER twice, several doctor’s appointments, lots of steroids, many boxes of Benadryl, lots of tubes of cortisone cream, antibiotics and endless hours with the icepack.  It has caused pain, swelling, inflammation, itching, nausea, hours of walking the floor and many, many sleepless nights.

I went online in search of info about preventing mosquito bites.  I read about all kinds of repellants and found some that are natural, I don’t like to put a lot of chemicals on my skin.  I read an endless amount of advice about what clothes to wear, what colors to avoid wearing and times of day to avoid being outside.  I read medical articles about why some people have such severe reactions.  I also made a request to the OC Mosquito and Vector Control District, I wanted to see if there was anything we could do in my complex to help.  The inspector came out and found what kind of mosquitoes we have; we have the Asian Tiger mosquito.  He told me they are black and white and are only 1/4 long.  He explained that his mosquito can breed in less than 1 ounce of water.  And they are aggressive, yeah-I’ve seen that.  And this kind bite in the daytime as well nighttime.  He found one source, but was concerned there are more, so he made some recommendations.

The ‘side effect’ of this ‘war’ is some backsliding with my agoraphobia.  I am staying home more to avoid getting bit.  But when I do go out there is my friend anxiety waiting for me.  Things I haven’t had any trouble with for a long time are difficult again.  This is not only frustrating, but it is discouraging.  With so much summer left the reality is I will have to be inside more.  So, my thoughts are first, I think it’s good that I am aware of what going on.  Second, I have to find a way to address this, so far I have decided I have to leave the house at least every other day.  It doesn’t matter whether I just go drive or do an errand, just so I leave the house.

I will not be pushed back to where I was by this tiny, annoying insect.

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Left Behind

I recently had a revelation (those just happen)!  All the years I was stuck in the house I felt like I was missing out on life.  It was as if someone pushed a pause button on my life.  My friends would talk about things they were doing and I wanted to do those things too.  But between my agoraphobia and taking care of Robby I never dreamed that I would have the opportunity to do things or go places with my friends.  But with therapy, my agoraphobia became more manageable and I started facing my fears.  The reward was being able to do more with Robby, not just the things that needed to be done, but also fun things like outings and even a day trip to San Diego.  This encouraged me to keep going, to keep pushing.  I even took dance classes for a while.

Now since Robby is gone I have a lot of time.  But I am realizing that while my life may have been on pause, life for everyone else keep going.  I have tried playing catch up, but that hasn’t worked.  I am finding that my friends have moved past so many things I had hoped to do.  So many things you would normally do with a friend, like shopping, I do by myself.  And I have come to realize that I am alone in what I want to do, like I didn’t already feel alone.

The revelation I had is that life has moved on and I was left behind.

Random Thoughts and Updates

‘Random’  feels like an appropriate word to use right now.  I have been feeling a lot of chaos in my life and that makes it hard for me to focus.  Life with my son was very structured, and while I don’t need that much structure I have become use to it.  The past few weeks have been……I don’t even know how to describe it!

First, was my  struggle with Social Security, which caused weeks of waiting and stressing and holding my breath.  I can update this one, I was approved based on terminal cancer, not the way I like to look at it.

Second, would be my car-talk about frustration and stress!  After weeks of repairs, tows, getting stranded and complete loss of confidence in my car I took it to the  dealership.  They were able to get to the bottom of it, I needed to rebuild the engine.  A friend had asked me about rebuilding the engine several weeks ago, I said no because I don’t have the kind of car that you rebuild.  Well apparently that was wrong, so after 19 days in the shop, 12 days of a rental car and just short of $4000 I have my car back.  It was shocking to me how I started to fall back into the agoraphobia mindset so quickly.  I went from feeling trapped at home to not wanted to leave in a matter of days.  Now I am trying to deal with the anxiety of ‘trusting’ the car again.

Third, on the 11th of April someone very close to me died.  We have been friends for over 27 years.  We have shared good times, bad times and survived more than a few challenges together.  I met her about a year after my husband died at a painting class.  I was struggling to deal with my husband’s death and she brought laughter back into my life.  I admired her dedication to her family and her ability to overcome many things.  It’s hard to believe she is gone, it feels strange and quiet.  Lisa, I will see you later.

Finally there is my apron project.  Last Christmas I made aprons for a few friends, that has become a way to hopefully make some money.  My Great Grandmother taught me how to cook, and how to wear an apron.  So I am making vintage style aprons that I hope will honor her and her memory.  I have several ideas of how and where I might be able to sell them, but I have needed a car to move forward on that.  I call them Gram C’s aprons and I have a hangtag designed for them and everyone comes with an old family recipe.  I hope this idea goes well.

So when you combine all these things with daily life it makes chaos.  So with some things resolved I am going to try to regain my focus and reduce my anxiety……we’ll see how that goes!

Big Step Forward!!

Well yesterday I handed over the first 6 chapters of my book!  This begins the search for a publisher!!  I am excited and, of course, anxious!!  It feels a little like I gave away my child!  I am so hoping to see the book published this year!  But now the waiting begins….

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Silly Foolish Thoughts???

As I have talked about before I am working on my book.  I have been trying very hard to get the first six chapters done and edited.  I have more chapters written, but the first six are what I need to start looking for a publisher.

So the other night I had a girls night at my house, it gave me a chance to show off my martini mixing skills.  We talked about many things, including my book.  I got out one of my journals I am referencing in my writing.  I wanted to show my unique post it tab system, it’s a little crazy.  One of my friends asked if they could just pick a page at random and I could read what was on it?  I said sure, so she picked one and I shared an entry about Steven, the delivery driver.  They laughed and I shared another entry about Steven.  They then said that obviously I had a crush on him and they laughed, and suddenly I felt silly and foolish.

Yes I talked to Steven and yes I flirted with him and yes I like him, he is an interesting person.  But the point that was missed is those conversations with Steven provided me with both motivation and hope.  I pushed myself harder to be outside so I could talk to him.  And when I did it made me see there was life outside my house, that gave me hope.

So today I was working on the chapter about Steven and I found myself second guessing what I have written.  Are people going to miss the point?  Am I just going to look silly?  Are people just going to laugh?  Is this whole project just a joke?  I hope not!!  I have poured so much into the book and I want to think readers will get something from it, that’s why I am writing it.

So after hours and hours today of struggling with this, I have decided that as I stated at the beginning of this project, I have to be true to my story.  And if some people think it’s a joke, well that’s ok.  My hope will still be that it reaches someone and helps them.

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One Year…..What a Year

Well I have survived the first year (actually almost a year and a half) in my new place.  It has been quite the year, it has included my cancer recurrence, the second birthday Robby wasn’t here for, the second anniversary of his death, a failed friendship and a new relationship.  I’ll start where I left off last year, I am feeling more at home here, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the old house.  I think there will always be part of me that will miss that house, so many years and so many memories!

I finished my chemotherapy and had surgery to remove the tumor.  Now I am back on the three month plan with my oncologist.  She believes that we are going to be in a pattern where we will find something, treat it and I will be okay for a short time.  Then we will find something, treat it and I will for okay for a short time……….  This time my tumor was sent for genetic testing, which revealed another issue, I am BRC-2 positive.  So now I am in the high risk breast cancer program.  It also puts me at risk for other various cancers.  I have decided since I finished treatment that I will do all my monitoring, but I refuse to make my life all about cancer.

June is not my favorite month and this year I feel like it started in May.  Of course May 30th is when my mom died, 8 years ago.  Then June 5th, Robby’s birthday, kicked my butt! A very close friend from my support group came over and I shared pictures, video and stories of Robby and that felt good.  Another friend came and brought cupcakes from the bakery where we always got Robby’s cake.  His birthday seemed harder this year, but last year I was selling the house and moving, which provided some distraction.  I know it will never be easier, but I didn’t expect it to be worse.  Then there was June 11th, the anniversary of the day he died.  And of course all the holidays, they are difficult, but I have made more of an effort this year to face them.

I have been working on the book a lot.  I think my recurrence last year has motivated me, I really want to finish it.  I feel even more excitement about the book and can’t wait to see it published.  I am going to be posting more often on here.  I know I have said that before, but with my renewed dedication to the book, I feel that same dedication about this blog.

 

Moving On?? No just going to Portland!!

With the memorial service done I turned my focus to a trip I wanted to make for a long time, I starting planning my trip to Portland.  It wasn’t so long ago that any trip would have been impossible with my agoraphobia, but now I feel like I need to try.  So the decision was made, I would make it a short trip-four days/three nights.  That way I was not over committed, if there was too much anxiety I wouldn’t feel trapped.  After coordinating times with my brother in law and my roommate/ride to the airport I purchased my ticket!!  I believed that once I got on the plane it would be ok, I knew that the next person I would see would be my brother in law.  I shared my plans with a friend who immediately said ‘oh great, you are moving on’!!  Seriously??  My response came with no thought, I said ‘no I am not moving on, I am going to Portland’!!!

After purchasing a suitcase, planning and packing the day finally arrived for me to leave on my trip, I was excited and a little anxious.  My anxiety increased some when I got on the plane, but once in the air and on the way it was manageable.  We landed in Portland and my first thought was I can’t believe I am here!!!  After claiming my bag I called my brother in law to pick me up, when he got there I told him I still can’t believe I am here!!!  He was very proud of me, he understands how big a step this is for me.  My trip was great, some episodes of bad anxiety at the beginning, but then back to manageable, as a matter of fact the last night I slept 6-1/2 hours in a row, I can’t remember the last time that happened.

My last day in Portland was hard, I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want to come home.  I was very emotional, but on the upside no anxiety!!!  I had intentionally made it a short 4 day/3 night trip not knowing how it would go.  I know my ticket could have been changed, but that would just delay the inevitable, at some point I had to come home.  Now that I am home I am looking forward to my next trip to Portland, and staying longer!!!

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Being Invisible

In the process of trying to get outside the house I found ‘security’ in the form of a broom.  I held onto it (like a crutch) and  it made me feel a little more grounded.  So when it came to getting out of the car I was stuck, but a friend had an idea….a wheelchair.  Well one thing I had learned in therapy is it isn’t about the process (or what it takes) it is about acheiving the goal.  So the wheelchair bridged the gap.  Dr Eppler called the wheelchair the rolling broom…well yeah!!!  Soon I was going more and more places.

My son has been in a wheelchair for 25 years and I thought I had seen all the reaction there were from people….but no.  When I am out in public in my wheelchair I have become invisible.  I have had people walk into my chair, hit me with thier shopping cart, cut me off so that I have to stop fast to keep from hitting them and then if they finally ‘see’ me I usual receive a nasty glare.

Now with my anxiety I don’t do well with an audience, but surely there could be a happy medium!!!  I don’t want special treatment, just equal access to society….it took a lot of work and a long time to get back out there…I intend to stay out!!!!

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Fear, Trust and Leaps of Faith

Way back when my anxiety started so did my fear and as my anxiety got worse so did the fear.   These fears were mostly irrational and some even bordered on the edge of paranoia.  It was a combination of the fear and the anxiety that  lead to my agoraphobia.  And it was my first big leap of faith to seek out therapy and a lot of trust to let someone in.  In therapy I even had to learn to have trust in myself.  Actually this made me feel like I was flying without a net.

Over the years I worked hard to decrease my fears and increase my trust-this was not an easy task.  But then something happened that has made it hard for me to trust.  I had a doctor that misdiagnosed me for two years, this was obviously someone I had come to trust.  After I made many trips to the ER on my own, I finally was diagnosed with cancer-stage 4 cancer.  This has left me in a very difficult place, having lost trust in doctors at the very time I need doctors the most.  It is not easy to face my fear and make a leap of faith to trust a new doctor.  Unfortunately having many health issues leaves me in need of many different types of doctors.  I have had great success with some and still find myself struggling with others.  I believe that this is a long term project, but hopefully it will get better…..sometime. 

I wish I had the answers on how to take a successful leap of faith, but I don’t.  The one thing I think could help is to set a smaller goal, perhaps a step of faith-not so large, but still moving forward.