I remember, as do most people, how simple life seems when you are a child.  Days were filled fun, fun and more fun-all carefree and simple.  As you become an adult life is less than simple, there is all the adult responsibilities-bills, work, rent, insurance and so much more.  I don’t mean to make sound like there isn’t ‘fun’ as an adult, but that simple life is missing.

When I was stuck at home with my agoraphobia I created a ‘life’ within my house.  I found ways to take care of what we needed and made sure we celebrated everything-birthdays, holidays, special days and even the seasons.  It was at times difficult, but even so I became comfortable within that ‘life’ I created.

Now I find that my life is increasingly complicated, stressful, demanding and exhausting.  If I am not off to a doctor’s appointment or physical therapy, I am paying bills, running errands, making more appointments, trying to keep the house going and ……..  There are days I am not sure I can do any of it and some days I get some or even most of it done.  I often feel a desire to hide, but at my house that is impossible.  What I do find all to often is a wish to return to the simple life I had when my agoraphobia was worse, it wasn’t quite as simple as a child’s life, but it was much more simple than my life today.  Who knew I’d ever want to go back?

I often compare myself to the plate spinner at the circus.  You see I have always believed that if I can run fast enough to keep all the plate spinning then everything will be OK.  But being short on energy, I find that lately I can’t keep all the plates spinning and several are crashing to the ground.  This is not easy for me to accept, I have always told myself that failure is not an option, but I am beginning to understand and even accept that it is not failure, but rather just another change.

In my past I have lived through and dealt with huge amounts of stress and being overwhelmed was just a way of life.  I never really believed that I could do it all, but I was willing to try.  I was the designated adult in my family from the time I was young, this did not change as an adult.  But what did change was the arrival of my friend anxiety, and eventually panic and finally agoraphobia.  This did make things more complicated, but I kept going, sometimes better than others and when the panic got too bad I would hide for a while or just go to bed. 

Now with all the changes in my life things are different, yet similar.  I am still responsible for everything, except for the 8 hours a day of Robby’s care, we have nurses to care for him.  This leaves again with the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I am finding it more difficult and demanding to keep up, I just don’t have the strength or energy.  This brings me back to the falling plates.  No matter how hard I try or how fast I try to run it is not enough.  At first I was just frustrated and angry, but that didn’t help, it just me more tired.  So after being disappointed with myself (old behavior) I thought I would try looking at it as objectively as I could.  The conclusion I came to is that I have to just do the best I can on any given day and that just has to be enough….

Now all that’s left is to convince myself that is acceptable and reprogram my brain that it is OK if some of the plates fall…..as long as I am not standing under them!!!!

Today I am going to the funeral of my cousin Andy.  He died in a bodysurfing accident at the age of 54-way too young.  The loss of Andy will be felt by so many people-friends and family alike.  For a lucky group of people Andy’s death will change their lives forever, you see Andy was an organ donor.  That is truly an amazing and life changing gift.

For me Andy’s death has brought back lots of memories and presents me with the opportunity to face some of my issues, first the obvious one-death.  I have spent a lot of time and effort in therapy trying to find better, healthier ways to deal with death-not easy.  I have lost so many people I love, including my husband.  Because of that I had gotten to place where death would just cause me to shut down.  When my husband died I buried my grief in an effort to survive and function, this was a mistake.  Not dealing with his death contributed to my panic and anxiety, then my eventual agoraphobia.  I tell everyone I know that the most  important thing is to grieve and deal with it at the time or you will end up in therapy writing your life story and that sucks.

Second, I will be attending a funeral, something that I have not done since my husband died nearly 23 years ago.  And by going I will be pushing my comfort zone once again and I will be seeing family I have not seen in many, many years.  I don’t feel anxious (at least not yet) but I do feel a little nervous, I am not going to let that stop me from going.  And the funeral is being held at the church where my husband I got married-yes, another issue.

I know it sounds funny to say this, but I am looking forward to attending the funeral.  Separate from any issues I have, it is the opportunity to honor the life of a wonderful person who touched so many lives, including my own and will be greatly missed-that’s the reason I am so determined to go.

I am so excited to be starting this blog!!  I had set a deadline for myself to have it up and running by the end of September….well as you can see that did not happen.  Deadlines seem to be an easy way to add more stress and anxiety to life.  It’s funny; people assume that if you are at home (say like an agoraphobic) it should be easy to make a deadline…not so much.  I have found that people tend to think if you are at home you have very little or even nothing to do.  But life still happens, even at home and days go by sometimes in a blur until you realize the deadline you were working towards is now way behind you.  I know that’s how it works for me and missed deadlines usually cause me to be angry, frustrated, then anxious and even end up with panic attacks.  So, for me it seems the best way to attempt to deal with these time issues is to just go with an old favorite, ‘better late than never’!!    

I may have crossed a finish line with this project , but it is really just the beginning!!!