Category: Anxiety

Pandemic Pandemonium

It’s been about three months since I posted, and so much has happened. I have been struggling with my panic/anxiety. I’ll start with some quick updates from my last post, first the hoarding is better, but not completely gone. Toilet paper and paper towels are still at times very hard to find. Grocery store shelves are still not full, antibacterial wipes and cleaner can be nearly impossible to find be found. I did finally get some hand sanitizer, I felt like I won the lottery! Grocery shopping has become a cross between hide and seek and survivor.

One of the biggest changes is that the economy is opening up, which for people like me that are immunocompromised is scary and doesn’t include us. Under the CDC, state and local guidelines we are still to stay at home. My infectious disease doctor told that these precautions for me will last until at least March of 2021, and she believes it will be extended past that. This has been hard, I feel cut off from people and life. I have used social connections to help me with my agoraphobia, but now that is not an option. It’s funny, when my agoraphobia kept me at home I felt like my life was on pause. But as I could rejoin life I had to deal with the reality that life continued on without me, I felt like I had been left behind. I have continued to deal with that feeling. And now, with the reopening I find myself feeling that all over again. People are going out shopping, getting their haircut, complaining that they can’t get their nails done yet and more. And once again life is moving forward without me.

I have found that the majority of people think that only old people, especially in nursing homes, are the only people at risk, that is not true. There are a lot of people like me, not old, living in our homes but with various conditions that put us at risk. For me it’s two conditions that put me in that category, as I have written about before I am a stage 4 cancer patient and I have Primary Immune Deficiency. I have dealt with my immune problems my whole life, I have learned how to be ‘safe’ and still be able to live a mostly normal life, until now. I think one of the biggest threats to me with the coronavirus is I don’t make antibodies, I never get over anything on my own. My doctors have told me that if I get Covid-19 I probably wouldn’t survive it, that’s a big dose of reality.


Losing Faith In My Fellow Man….And Woman

I have both seen and been in the middle of chaos, insanity and a loss of common decency over the past few days. As everyone is aware there is a pandemic named COVID-19, better known as coronavirus. I have been out trying to purchase some groceries and supplies, as have thousands of people. The difference for me is that I am not hoarding food and supplies and I have tried hard to maintain a pleasant attitude and show some human kindness. I wish I could say the same for my fellow man and woman. I have witness people’s anger, frustration and impatience. I have seen people pushing, grabbing, yelling and being beyond insensitive. As I have written before, I use a wheelchair when I am out. I have been cut off, blocked and intimidated. Yesterday I was even pinned twice against the shelves in market, unable to move in any direction. I don’t expect special treatment, but I would like to be treated humanly.

I see these people just grabbing things off the shelves, I wonder at times if they even know what they are buying. Then there is the battle for water and of course toilet paper, I don’t understand why the obsession over toilet paper. From what I understand about the coronavirus extra toilet paper is not required. And they aren’t going to stop producing toilet paper, and when you need to buy it they always have it at the store. I have not been a part of the toilet paper drama, I already had enough. The store I was in yesterday there was a limit of 1 package of toilet paper per person. One of the times I was pinned in the aisle was when they were stocking the toilet paper and as I was leaving the store there was a fight starting because a woman had about 10 or 12 packages and was laying on them while she was on her phone calling her friends and family to come get them. By the way, it was so bad at this store yesterday that I gave up and left.

I have primary immune deficiency, I’m sure I shouldn’t be out in this craziness, but needed some groceries and it’s not like you can get everything you want at one store. My immunity deficiency brings up another issue in this insanity, people hoarding hand sanitizer and antibacterial wipes. These are things that I use every day, 365 days a year, not something I buy in mass quantity out of fear. Again, like the toilet paper, these are products are still being produced. The person who manages to hoard the most doesn’t win a prize, but people like me pay the price. I can’t even go to the gym in my complex, something I do every day, because I can’t buy antibacterial wipes. I use them every day, with or without coronavirus, to wipe down the equipment I use. These product allow me to participate in normal life, but now I can’t. I know I am not alone, there are many people that for various reasons are at a higher risk. My brother-in-law sent me an article about 2 guys that hatched a plan. One guy drove all over Tennessee and part of Kentucky in a U-haul truck and managed to buy 20,000 bottles of hand sanitizer. They also purchased thousands of packs of antibacterial wipes. The other guy stayed home and prepared for pallets of even more wipes and sanitizer that he had ordered. They started listing them to sell on Amazon, they posted 300 bottles of hand sanitizer, they all sold for between $8 and $70b each. The next day Amazon pulled their items and thousands of other listings and some of the sellers were suspended and many others received a warning. Now my question is why weren’t all the sellers suspended, it is wrong to make a profit from a pandemic. Ebay followed prohibiting any U.S. sales of masks and hand sanitizer, you’ll notice no mention of antibacterial wipes. On Ebay there are many listings for wipes and the prices are insane, a 4 pack of wipes that on a average day sells for about $12 is being sold on Ebay for $89 and up. I finally purchased a single container of 35 wipes on Ebay, but instead of about $5 I paid $20.

The guys in Tennessee are sitting on all that hand sanitizer while people, including me, search in vain for it. The one guy says he doesn’t know where he’ll sell the other 17,700 bottles. He says first he was in a situation that was going to help his family financially and now he doesn’t know what he is going to do with all of it. To me the other appalling part of this is one of the guys in this story is a former Air Force technical sergeant, who has been selling on Amazon since 2015 and has managed to make it into a six-figure career. After the article was published the state attorney general’s office sent an investigator to his home and gave him a cease-and-desist letter and are now investigating this case. His defense is that he was not price gouging, that the extra money was to cover his costs, like postage. He added that he was just fixing inefficiencies in the marketplace, because some areas of the country need these products more than others and that he is helping send the supply towards the demand. He went on to say he feels like it’s a public service. There was an update to this story, since the story came out and they have been scorned by the public, they have decided to explore ways to donate all the supplies.

I remember when people took care of what they needed, but also made sure they helped each other. Neighbors would look out for other neighbors, especially ones that might need some additional help. There is a devastating loss of compassion, I have seen it over time. But what I have seen in these past few days has caused me to lose faith people. I always try to see the good in people, but apparently that is another casualty of the coronavirus.

Chaos, Confusion and Christmas…..

It’s been a long dry spell between posts, where to begin? Well, since my last post I celebrated my birthday in November, we celebrated a quiet Thanksgiving and I was busy sewing aprons, more on that later. Then I was in a curated boutique at a church, which brought us to all the chaos of Christmas. The normal chaos of Christmas was joined with confusion and deadlines. As I mentioned I was busy sewing aprons, this was something that started the Christmas before. I had made a couple of aprons like my Great Grandmother made and wore for a few friends that cook and bake. Out of that came the suggestion to make them to sell. I decided to name them for my Great Grandma, so I call them Gram C’s Vintage Aprons. I love sharing her apron legacy with others, she was a huge influence in my life. As it says on the hangtag on the aprons, she taught me how to cook and how to wear an apron. Christmas Day I was able to spend time with a very good friend and his family, it was wonderful. So much of the holidays is about family and I don’t have any family. I enjoyed being with his kids and their kids, it felt like Christmas.

Then came New Years, I don’t do resolutions, but I usual have something I am hoping for or hope to do. This year I want to limit the amount of negativity in my life. That sounds like a big goal, but it needs to happen. I am surviving with stage four cancer with a recurrence, the death of my son (my heart), the death of my husband, the loss of my family, agoraphobia, other health issues and my panic and anxiety. I think at this point wanting less negativity is a necessity.

The new year has brought with it more progress on the book, 15 chapters done and I am working on the last three. My hope for this year is to find a publisher. My goal to this point was to finish the book, I didn’t want to leave it unfinished. And now with the finish line is sight, I want to be able to see it published. It’s funny what started out as something I wasn’t sure I really want to do has grown into this huge accomplishment, I am so proud of this project and my hope has always been that it might help someone else.

For more information about the aprons please visit Gram C’s Vintage Aprons Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/gram.c.vintage.aprons


Embracing Weirdness

I have had several people tell me that I am weird.  At first I was annoyed by this, everyone is different, is that weird?  But after thinking about it I have decided to embrace my weirdness!  I am different/weird, I have never lived a normal life and I am okay with that.  There have been times when I have tried to hide my weirdness, but why should I have to do that?  To make someone else feel better?  I am tired of trying to change so people will accept me.  Well, no more!  I am embracing my weirdness!

I’m sure there are many things that make me seem weird, like my anxiety.  Even though there are so many people who have some degree of anxiety it seems there is still a lack of knowledge and a stigma attached to it.  Then there is my agoraphobia, talk about a lack of knowledge.  And if it doesn’t make me feel weird enough, by the time I try to explain it I want to hide from me.   There seems to be a mindset that when something isn’t understood it is weird or strange or just wrong.

That lack of understanding was true in my life with my son, Robby.  He had problems not easily understood and his behavior was not the ‘norm’.  So people were stand offish with him, when he was little people would even keep their kids away from him.  So I created a life for us and only invited in people that accepted us.  This made us seem weird, but we were happy!

And now I have someone in my life that suffers from debilitating social anxiety, and trust me people think that’s weird.  But I have found that some of the best people I know and love are weird and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

So, try not to avoid people who seem different or weird.  In stead say hi, get to know them.  Their weirdness may just be what you need in your life.  And if you are the weird one like me, just embrace your weirdness, life is so much happier when you aren’t trying to hide it.

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Baggage That Needs To Be Packed

I have a chapter in my life that I really want to fold neatly and pack away.  I have processed it, learned lessons from it and want to move on from it.  I haven’t been able to do that because the people involved still owe me money.  Yes, that was one of the lessons from this, don’t loan money!!  So, one of them has chosen to ignore my attempts to collect it.  The other one made a payment arrangement with me and paid some payments (not on time) and now has quit paying.  Now I am left with no option but to file at small claims court, not something I want to do.  So last week I filed the first case, this one is against the person that quit paying.  Next stop…court. Then I will file against the other person, I decided to take them on one at a time.  This has brought back the feelings, the memory of what happened and all my regret that I let myself get into that situation.

I wish that court could be the end, but even if I get a judgement I will still have to try to collect the money.  Some days I feel like this will never be over, but I am trying to hold onto hope.  I have my bag ready to be packed…….some day, some day!!

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I’ve Met The Enemy….And It’s Tiny

It’s been too long since I posted here, I’ve been dealing with a new enemy.  I am allergic to mosquito bites.  This summer I have already been bit 16 times, it’s just the middle of July.  This battle has taken me to the ER twice, several doctor’s appointments, lots of steroids, many boxes of Benadryl, lots of tubes of cortisone cream, antibiotics and endless hours with the icepack.  It has caused pain, swelling, inflammation, itching, nausea, hours of walking the floor and many, many sleepless nights.

I went online in search of info about preventing mosquito bites.  I read about all kinds of repellants and found some that are natural, I don’t like to put a lot of chemicals on my skin.  I read an endless amount of advice about what clothes to wear, what colors to avoid wearing and times of day to avoid being outside.  I read medical articles about why some people have such severe reactions.  I also made a request to the OC Mosquito and Vector Control District, I wanted to see if there was anything we could do in my complex to help.  The inspector came out and found what kind of mosquitoes we have; we have the Asian Tiger mosquito.  He told me they are black and white and are only 1/4 long.  He explained that his mosquito can breed in less than 1 ounce of water.  And they are aggressive, yeah-I’ve seen that.  And this kind bite in the daytime as well nighttime.  He found one source, but was concerned there are more, so he made some recommendations.

The ‘side effect’ of this ‘war’ is some backsliding with my agoraphobia.  I am staying home more to avoid getting bit.  But when I do go out there is my friend anxiety waiting for me.  Things I haven’t had any trouble with for a long time are difficult again.  This is not only frustrating, but it is discouraging.  With so much summer left the reality is I will have to be inside more.  So, my thoughts are first, I think it’s good that I am aware of what going on.  Second, I have to find a way to address this, so far I have decided I have to leave the house at least every other day.  It doesn’t matter whether I just go drive or do an errand, just so I leave the house.

I will not be pushed back to where I was by this tiny, annoying insect.

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Mile Markers and Grief

June 11th was the third anniversary of my son Robby’s death.  This day comes 6 days after his birthday, that’s still hard to process.  I find the special days like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, are like mile markers on this journey called grief.  For me, I find myself traveling along, then the anxiety kicks in, I realize the date and I know what’s coming.  My most recent experience with this started in May, a month that brings my Mom’s birthday and ends with the anniversary of her death.  This is followed closely by Robby’s birthday on June 5th and, as I mentioned, his anniversary on the 11th.

I realize that the term mile markers might seem odd, it may be.  When I learned to drive being able to read a map was a necessity.  Most people carried folded maps in the glove box, and/or a Thomas Brothers map book.  An important part of reading a map was being sure where you were, that was the importance of the mile markers on the highways.   I have found that on this grief journey there are times when I’m not sure which way I am going and a mile marker would be helpful.  Then there have been times when it feels like there are too many markers and it becomes overwhelming.  There is no map or guide book for this journey.

I have come to believe two things, one is as long as you are moving that’s enough.  And two, the mile markers are love.  It’s the love that helps lead us in the right direction.  And I believe it’s the love that can help us survive this journey called grief.

Left Behind

I recently had a revelation (those just happen)!  All the years I was stuck in the house I felt like I was missing out on life.  It was as if someone pushed a pause button on my life.  My friends would talk about things they were doing and I wanted to do those things too.  But between my agoraphobia and taking care of Robby I never dreamed that I would have the opportunity to do things or go places with my friends.  But with therapy, my agoraphobia became more manageable and I started facing my fears.  The reward was being able to do more with Robby, not just the things that needed to be done, but also fun things like outings and even a day trip to San Diego.  This encouraged me to keep going, to keep pushing.  I even took dance classes for a while.

Now since Robby is gone I have a lot of time.  But I am realizing that while my life may have been on pause, life for everyone else keep going.  I have tried playing catch up, but that hasn’t worked.  I am finding that my friends have moved past so many things I had hoped to do.  So many things you would normally do with a friend, like shopping, I do by myself.  And I have come to realize that I am alone in what I want to do, like I didn’t already feel alone.

The revelation I had is that life has moved on and I was left behind.

Random Thoughts and Updates

‘Random’  feels like an appropriate word to use right now.  I have been feeling a lot of chaos in my life and that makes it hard for me to focus.  Life with my son was very structured, and while I don’t need that much structure I have become use to it.  The past few weeks have been……I don’t even know how to describe it!

First, was my  struggle with Social Security, which caused weeks of waiting and stressing and holding my breath.  I can update this one, I was approved based on terminal cancer, not the way I like to look at it.

Second, would be my car-talk about frustration and stress!  After weeks of repairs, tows, getting stranded and complete loss of confidence in my car I took it to the  dealership.  They were able to get to the bottom of it, I needed to rebuild the engine.  A friend had asked me about rebuilding the engine several weeks ago, I said no because I don’t have the kind of car that you rebuild.  Well apparently that was wrong, so after 19 days in the shop, 12 days of a rental car and just short of $4000 I have my car back.  It was shocking to me how I started to fall back into the agoraphobia mindset so quickly.  I went from feeling trapped at home to not wanted to leave in a matter of days.  Now I am trying to deal with the anxiety of ‘trusting’ the car again.

Third, on the 11th of April someone very close to me died.  We have been friends for over 27 years.  We have shared good times, bad times and survived more than a few challenges together.  I met her about a year after my husband died at a painting class.  I was struggling to deal with my husband’s death and she brought laughter back into my life.  I admired her dedication to her family and her ability to overcome many things.  It’s hard to believe she is gone, it feels strange and quiet.  Lisa, I will see you later.

Finally there is my apron project.  Last Christmas I made aprons for a few friends, that has become a way to hopefully make some money.  My Great Grandmother taught me how to cook, and how to wear an apron.  So I am making vintage style aprons that I hope will honor her and her memory.  I have several ideas of how and where I might be able to sell them, but I have needed a car to move forward on that.  I call them Gram C’s aprons and I have a hangtag designed for them and everyone comes with an old family recipe.  I hope this idea goes well.

So when you combine all these things with daily life it makes chaos.  So with some things resolved I am going to try to regain my focus and reduce my anxiety……we’ll see how that goes!

Oh Wait…Here’s Another Thing……

You know I am no stranger to the idea that life is hard.  But then something comes along and I find myself shaking my head in frustration.  My goal when my son died was to go back to work, I tried to make it happen before I sold our home, but no luck.  Next my plan was to find a job after I moved, but then I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of moving.  So now I have been left with a new reality, I need to apply for Social Security disabled widow’s benefits.  This was not what I wanted, but if I have learned anything in life, it is that you really can’t always get what you want.  So I started the process in January of this year and to say that it has been a struggle would be an understatement.  I knew with the first phone call to make the interview appointment it was going to be a difficult process.  The woman on the phone asked if my doctor had told me when I might die……did she seriously say that?  Yes she did.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to affect my chances.  So I came up with this response–I never asked my doctor that question….not too bad a response on the fly.  Since that first call I have had my interview, had to defend my eligibility to apply, spent time trying to get info on the phone and several trips into the office.  They told me that cancer cases like mine get expedited, but that has not been the case for me.  As of my latest trip to the office this past Thursday, my case has not been assigned to anyone for the medical review and tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since the process started.

The additional stress of this is financial, I am running out of money.  This is especially frustrating to me because I made some bad money decision by trusting the wrong people, I should have known better.  But I can’t change that now.  Looking forward, if a decision isn’t made soon I am going to have to sell my little condo and rent a place so that I have money to live on.  The thought of moving cuts me to the core.  The last move from the home where I raised my son and held his memorial service was devastating.  But I had no choice and I feel like that is where I am again.  I have worked to make my little condo feel like home.  I have included my son here not only in photos, but he has a prominent place in the living room.  I have a trunk with some of his special things in it, and everything else of his is packed in 8 big containers in my garage.

I know what I have to do, I need to stay focused and be persistent, I am.  And I am normally the most optimistic person I know, but this just feels like one thing too many.  I feel like I am fighting for my life and that leaves me with this question–does it really have to be this hard?