Well yesterday I handed over the first 6 chapters of my book! This begins the search for a publisher!! I am excited and, of course, anxious!! It feels a little like I gave away my child! I am so hoping to see the book published this year! But now the waiting begins….
I can’t figure out where the year has gone! So much has happened in 2018, both good and bad. Some things are carrying over into the new year, also good and bad. I decided that the last two years I felt obligated to do Christmas. In 2016 I put up the tree because I knew it would be my last Christmas in the house. And last year I put up the tree because it was the first Christmas in my new house. This year I wanted Christmas to feel like a choice. So I have put a tree and I have tried to ‘do’ Christmas. The holidays are really tough since Robby is gone and I know they will never be the same. So this year I am starting my search for the new normal for holidays. There’s got to be a way that’s at least a little less painful.
I did some things I hadn’t done for a while, like sewing and painting. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed making things. I made a couple of aprons like my Great Grandma Clare wore. She has been on my mind a lot this Christmas. I spent a lot of time with her growing up and she taught me so many things like cooking, baking, how to wear and apron and about the power of positive thinking. I find myself missing my family this year and the realization that my family traditions end with me has left me sad.
But now with Christmas behind me, I am looking forward to New Years and the possibilities that a new year can bring.
Well I have survived the first year (actually almost a year and a half) in my new place. It has been quite the year, it has included my cancer recurrence, the second birthday Robby wasn’t here for, the second anniversary of his death, a failed friendship and a new relationship. I’ll start where I left off last year, I am feeling more at home here, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the old house. I think there will always be part of me that will miss that house, so many years and so many memories!
I finished my chemotherapy and had surgery to remove the tumor. Now I am back on the three month plan with my oncologist. She believes that we are going to be in a pattern where we will find something, treat it and I will be okay for a short time. Then we will find something, treat it and I will for okay for a short time………. This time my tumor was sent for genetic testing, which revealed another issue, I am BRC-2 positive. So now I am in the high risk breast cancer program. It also puts me at risk for other various cancers. I have decided since I finished treatment that I will do all my monitoring, but I refuse to make my life all about cancer.
June is not my favorite month and this year I feel like it started in May. Of course May 30th is when my mom died, 8 years ago. Then June 5th, Robby’s birthday, kicked my butt! A very close friend from my support group came over and I shared pictures, video and stories of Robby and that felt good. Another friend came and brought cupcakes from the bakery where we always got Robby’s cake. His birthday seemed harder this year, but last year I was selling the house and moving, which provided some distraction. I know it will never be easier, but I didn’t expect it to be worse. Then there was June 11th, the anniversary of the day he died. And of course all the holidays, they are difficult, but I have made more of an effort this year to face them.
I have been working on the book a lot. I think my recurrence last year has motivated me, I really want to finish it. I feel even more excitement about the book and can’t wait to see it published. I am going to be posting more often on here. I know I have said that before, but with my renewed dedication to the book, I feel that same dedication about this blog.
It has been such a long time since I posted, so I will start with a couple of updates. I am in the new condo and the work is mostly done, only a few small few things left to finish. It is starting to feel like home, different but home!! I bought a wood trunk and created a space for Robby, I placed a some of his things in it. I like the fact that he has presence in the new place! The rest of his things are in 8 storage containers in my garage.
Now, for the newest development I had starting have some symptoms that concerned my oncologist before the move. She ran multiple test but couldn’t find anything. She did a lab test for my cancer marker and it was elevated, so she finally did a PET scan after the move and she found a recurrence of my cancer. So we started chemo first to try and control spreading and after my third cycle she will repeat my scan and do surgery to try to remove the cancer. As for a prognosis, well we will know more after the next scan and surgery, but it is not great. She explained that a recurrence this far out from my last chemo is considered incurable, but she wants to see if I can get at least part way back to where I have been with my cancer. She feels I may be starting a pattern where they find something and treat it, then I am ok for a short time and then they find something and they treat it………..
So I had my first chemo on July 24th and my second one was today. This has brought back so many memories, both good and bad. While I miss Robby, I am glad he doesn’t have to go through this again, I know he didn’t understand the first time and that wouldn’t be any better this time. But I also miss the nurses, not just because of the help they gave me, but I miss their support, humor and caring. I especially miss the nurse that was always there on my worst chemo days, actually I miss him all the time. But life changes and people move on and I just have to try and deal with that!
The strangest thing about all this is my anxiety hasn’t been that bad, I think it is because my doctor was so honest in the beginning about my risk for a recurrence. Don’t get me wrong I am not ok with this, and I have trouble dealing with the emotional side, but knowing this would probably happen reduced the shock factor.
I have, once again, gone a long time with out posting–sorry!! So much has happened, so much to deal with. Lets see, well the house is finally in escrow. I have been clear since I had to make the decision to sell the house that all this would end with me moving, that was the goal. But now that it is a reality and I have an end date I find myself not dealing well with the idea. This is the place I brought my son when he was 4 months old and for everyday of all 31 years of Robby’s life I tried to create a life here, through the good and the bad! Leave here now feels like walking away from that and Robby. Logically I know that is not true, all the memories and Robby are going with me….yes I did say Robby is going with me. I am not as crazy as that might make me sound. I believe that the people in your life that die continue to move with you, they are part of who you become in life and how would you every leave parts of yourself behind? Besides, anybody who knew Robby would know that he wouldn’t let me go far without him! I have no doubt that he is here, I can feel and sense his presence.
I am now trying to go through and clean out and go through the garage……no words to describe this ‘adventure’. I have made it clear to everyone that all of Robby’s things go with me, even if that means I have to throw everything else away!! I need to get the cleaning out part done so I can start packing…..oh my!! The move seems overwhelming, starting with finding a place to live. As of right now I have found nothing…..well nothing since the house sold! I found places while we were on the market, but of course they have sold!
Well it has been another long gap between posts, life has been…..well…..insane! Usually my life is crazy, but it has reached a whole new level. Where to start….the house is still on the market. I knew it would be a difficult process to sell the house and move, but I never dreamed it would take this long to sell. The stress of this and my financial situation are really taking a toll on my health, but I just keep hoping it will be over soon.
Speaking of my health, I have been having some test done with my oncologist. I have been having some symptoms and she is trying to determine if it may be a recurrence of my cancer. I tried but can’t stress about it…..it is the one thing too many! I can’t change what happens, so I will just wait and see.
Then there is Robby….oh how I miss him! It feels like I miss him even more now. There is a huge painful void in my life and my heart, nothing can fill it and nothing can fix it. I am scared how I will deal with the anniversary of his death in June. So far I haven’t done well with any holidays, or even days like today. It was one year ago today that he was admitted to the hospital for that horrific 31 day stay that started him down the path that ended in his death. There are days when I think the pain of his loss with just consume me. I find myself want to talk with the people there that night he passed, or at least the ones still speaking to me, I feel like they understand. Most nights I still have trouble sleeping and am back sleeping most nights with the lights on, a subtle reminder of the ‘new’ reality.
Well the day finally came, January 13th the house went on the market! It has been a difficult road to get there, there was all the work of painting, moving furniture, packing up extra things and cleaning. But the hardest part was unpacking and moving Robby’s bed to the garage, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest! I know it is just a bed, or so people tell me. But it is such a symbol of him, that bed has seen a lot happen in the 25 years he had it. I remember the first day he got in the bed, he looked like he owned the world. It was his space and he loved it. Now it is in my garage in so many pieces along with containers of his things out of the bed and I feel shattered again!!! But now the house is on the market and there has been quite a bit of interest, but no offers yet. It’s kinda funny, I know the idea is to sell the house so I won’t lose my equity, but I really want to stay….not an option!!! So I spend my time now cleaning, missing Robby, cleaning, crying, being anxious to the point of panic attacks, cleaning, trying not to get too crazy, cleaning, being frustrated and cleaning!! 
I woke up earlier this morning in tears, I was having a nightmare about Robby. It went like this: I had to be in the hospital for a couple of days and made arrangements for 24 hour nursing for him at home. But when I got home he was gone, someone had picked him up and taken him to a facility. I couldn’t find out where, I called anyone I could think of, I drove all over to facilities and I still couldn’t find out anything about where he was placed. I was devastated, angry and lost. Then I got a call from one of his doctor’s offices and a nurse I knew, she wanted to know why some facility was asking for a prescription for heart medication for Robby. I told her I didn’t know, that I didn’t even know where he was. I went on to tell her everything that had happened, she gave me all the information for the facility and said she couldn’t understand why he would have been put there, apparently he had just been moved there from another facility. I ran out the door and drove there as fast as possible. They didn’t want to let me see him, but I pushed my way in. Once I found him I started pushing him towards the door, they said I couldn’t take him, I just kept going. They said they were calling the police, I said go ahead I am his conservator and they said the facility was in the process of being named his new conservator. I made it to the car, put him in, left the wheelchair they had him in there and left. I had no idea where I was going, obviously we couldn’t go home…….then I woke up in tears.
It’s 12:25AM and I am both exhausted and awake. Late nights I seem to fall apart, I think it because there is no audience. During the day is hard, but most of the time I can maintain, but admittedly not always. But then night comes and I feel it coming, a pain from deep inside that nearly takes my breath away. Then comes the emptiness, followed by the feeling of being lost and then the tears, oh the endless tears. The loss of my son has shattered by heart and left me broken and alone. I miss him every minute of the day, but in the quiet of night the feelings just overwhelm me. Sleep evades me, there are some nights I am lucky enough to cry myself to sleep, but not for long. I have had to sleep with lots of lights on, the times I do sleep I wake up and immediately think I need to check on Robby. After 31 years of that being the norm, it is a hard habit to break. But with the lights on I can remember that it is not the norm anymore and then I am back at pain and tears………
(I am writing this tonight through tears and nearly consumed by the pain and loss)
Out of all the changes in my life the one that brings the most stress with it is the financial part. My job and income stopped the day my son died. So I have been spending the majority of my time applying for jobs and working on my house. You see I have a limited amount of time (and money) so doing both is important. I have about another 6-8 weeks to find a job, if I don’t at that point the house has to go on the market.
On the job front, I have many skills that should help me find a job. But the other side is those jobs I had were nearly 31 years ago. I have current employment history, but not many places are looking to hire a mom that gave her life away to take care of a son she loves more than anything. So I use old and new skills and jobs, maybe someone will take a chance with me. I keep finding new website to look for jobs on, my friend Doug told me about 3 websites that I am now using. As of today, 6 jobs I applied for have been filled with someone else and I have approximately 25 open applications out there. A close friend told me you have to be willing to take a job where you would need to ask ‘would you like fries with that?’ I think what she means is you have to be willing to take a job that may be less than what you want.
Now on the house part, I have been patching walls, moving furniture out, stripping wallpaper, painting walls, painting cabinets, cleaning out closets, cleaning out cabinets, cleaning out the garage and building furniture-all on a very tight budget. It has been and is a lot of work for one person. I can’t hire anything done that I can find a way to do myself. I don’t want to move, at least not now….but that may not be my choice in the end. I still can’t even think about going through my son’s things, it is just too painful, so I will have to take it all with me if I have to move. But there is still a lot of work to be done and my deadline is staring me in the face.
I am optimistic by nature, but some days it all feels overwhelming. So I think the plan is that I keep applying for jobs and fixing the house. And remember to remain optimistic that it can work out and hopefully it will!!!
