Category: Life

Mile Markers and Grief

June 11th was the third anniversary of my son Robby’s death.  This day comes 6 days after his birthday, that’s still hard to process.  I find the special days like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, are like mile markers on this journey called grief.  For me, I find myself traveling along, then the anxiety kicks in, I realize the date and I know what’s coming.  My most recent experience with this started in May, a month that brings my Mom’s birthday and ends with the anniversary of her death.  This is followed closely by Robby’s birthday on June 5th and, as I mentioned, his anniversary on the 11th.

I realize that the term mile markers might seem odd, it may be.  When I learned to drive being able to read a map was a necessity.  Most people carried folded maps in the glove box, and/or a Thomas Brothers map book.  An important part of reading a map was being sure where you were, that was the importance of the mile markers on the highways.   I have found that on this grief journey there are times when I’m not sure which way I am going and a mile marker would be helpful.  Then there have been times when it feels like there are too many markers and it becomes overwhelming.  There is no map or guide book for this journey.

I have come to believe two things, one is as long as you are moving that’s enough.  And two, the mile markers are love.  It’s the love that helps lead us in the right direction.  And I believe it’s the love that can help us survive this journey called grief.

Memories, Birthdays and New Realities

Memories are a funny thing, they can bring you great joy and can also represent great loss.  Over the past couple of weeks my thoughts have been full of memories of my husband, Robert.  I love the opportunity to get lost in the memories of our life together, but at some point the reality creeps back in that he is gone.   When he died my grandmother told me that people will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that time just lets you find a way to live with it.  She was right, he has been gone 28 years and I did find a way to live with it, but the pain of his loss is always right there.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday, the third one he hasn’t been here for, he would have been 34.  I was once again this year lost in my memories, photos and videos.  As always I posted photos on Facebook, but this year I included a video, it’s great to see the photo come to life.  I had thought that maybe this year I would be closer to finding a way to live with it, but no.  In some ways it has seemed harder this year.  I ordered his favorite cake and  I spent the day mostly alone, as I have the two previous years.

Which brings me back to the new reality, I am alone.  That’s not to say I don’t have friends, I do and they have become my ‘family’.  It was Robby and I for 25-1/2 years on our own after Robert’s death.  I was technically on my own, but Robby was there.  I find comfort knowing that Robby and his dad are together again and someday we will all be together.  But for now I have to find a way to deal with my newest reality, being alone.

Left Behind

I recently had a revelation (those just happen)!  All the years I was stuck in the house I felt like I was missing out on life.  It was as if someone pushed a pause button on my life.  My friends would talk about things they were doing and I wanted to do those things too.  But between my agoraphobia and taking care of Robby I never dreamed that I would have the opportunity to do things or go places with my friends.  But with therapy, my agoraphobia became more manageable and I started facing my fears.  The reward was being able to do more with Robby, not just the things that needed to be done, but also fun things like outings and even a day trip to San Diego.  This encouraged me to keep going, to keep pushing.  I even took dance classes for a while.

Now since Robby is gone I have a lot of time.  But I am realizing that while my life may have been on pause, life for everyone else keep going.  I have tried playing catch up, but that hasn’t worked.  I am finding that my friends have moved past so many things I had hoped to do.  So many things you would normally do with a friend, like shopping, I do by myself.  And I have come to realize that I am alone in what I want to do, like I didn’t already feel alone.

The revelation I had is that life has moved on and I was left behind.

Random Thoughts and Updates

‘Random’  feels like an appropriate word to use right now.  I have been feeling a lot of chaos in my life and that makes it hard for me to focus.  Life with my son was very structured, and while I don’t need that much structure I have become use to it.  The past few weeks have been……I don’t even know how to describe it!

First, was my  struggle with Social Security, which caused weeks of waiting and stressing and holding my breath.  I can update this one, I was approved based on terminal cancer, not the way I like to look at it.

Second, would be my car-talk about frustration and stress!  After weeks of repairs, tows, getting stranded and complete loss of confidence in my car I took it to the  dealership.  They were able to get to the bottom of it, I needed to rebuild the engine.  A friend had asked me about rebuilding the engine several weeks ago, I said no because I don’t have the kind of car that you rebuild.  Well apparently that was wrong, so after 19 days in the shop, 12 days of a rental car and just short of $4000 I have my car back.  It was shocking to me how I started to fall back into the agoraphobia mindset so quickly.  I went from feeling trapped at home to not wanted to leave in a matter of days.  Now I am trying to deal with the anxiety of ‘trusting’ the car again.

Third, on the 11th of April someone very close to me died.  We have been friends for over 27 years.  We have shared good times, bad times and survived more than a few challenges together.  I met her about a year after my husband died at a painting class.  I was struggling to deal with my husband’s death and she brought laughter back into my life.  I admired her dedication to her family and her ability to overcome many things.  It’s hard to believe she is gone, it feels strange and quiet.  Lisa, I will see you later.

Finally there is my apron project.  Last Christmas I made aprons for a few friends, that has become a way to hopefully make some money.  My Great Grandmother taught me how to cook, and how to wear an apron.  So I am making vintage style aprons that I hope will honor her and her memory.  I have several ideas of how and where I might be able to sell them, but I have needed a car to move forward on that.  I call them Gram C’s aprons and I have a hangtag designed for them and everyone comes with an old family recipe.  I hope this idea goes well.

So when you combine all these things with daily life it makes chaos.  So with some things resolved I am going to try to regain my focus and reduce my anxiety……we’ll see how that goes!

Yaayyyy Four More

I feel like there have been a lot of book updates lately, but that’s where my energy has been.  That being said, here is another one!  I have four more chapters done!  I have read and re-read and edited and nit picked them.  I feel like I need to hand them off before I overthink them anymore.  There is one chapter I keep going back to, I feel like it needs more, but when I try to add to it I end up taking it out.  So I decided to move on to a new chapter, I just finished writing chapter 11, well first draft.  Several of the upcoming chapters are written and just need a fresh look and I’m sure some changes.  The more chapters I get done the more excited I am about the book!  I just need to secure a publisher…..

Oh Wait…Here’s Another Thing……

You know I am no stranger to the idea that life is hard.  But then something comes along and I find myself shaking my head in frustration.  My goal when my son died was to go back to work, I tried to make it happen before I sold our home, but no luck.  Next my plan was to find a job after I moved, but then I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of moving.  So now I have been left with a new reality, I need to apply for Social Security disabled widow’s benefits.  This was not what I wanted, but if I have learned anything in life, it is that you really can’t always get what you want.  So I started the process in January of this year and to say that it has been a struggle would be an understatement.  I knew with the first phone call to make the interview appointment it was going to be a difficult process.  The woman on the phone asked if my doctor had told me when I might die……did she seriously say that?  Yes she did.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to affect my chances.  So I came up with this response–I never asked my doctor that question….not too bad a response on the fly.  Since that first call I have had my interview, had to defend my eligibility to apply, spent time trying to get info on the phone and several trips into the office.  They told me that cancer cases like mine get expedited, but that has not been the case for me.  As of my latest trip to the office this past Thursday, my case has not been assigned to anyone for the medical review and tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since the process started.

The additional stress of this is financial, I am running out of money.  This is especially frustrating to me because I made some bad money decision by trusting the wrong people, I should have known better.  But I can’t change that now.  Looking forward, if a decision isn’t made soon I am going to have to sell my little condo and rent a place so that I have money to live on.  The thought of moving cuts me to the core.  The last move from the home where I raised my son and held his memorial service was devastating.  But I had no choice and I feel like that is where I am again.  I have worked to make my little condo feel like home.  I have included my son here not only in photos, but he has a prominent place in the living room.  I have a trunk with some of his special things in it, and everything else of his is packed in 8 big containers in my garage.

I know what I have to do, I need to stay focused and be persistent, I am.  And I am normally the most optimistic person I know, but this just feels like one thing too many.  I feel like I am fighting for my life and that leaves me with this question–does it really have to be this hard?

It’s Just Another New Year……

Well here we are at the beginning of another year.  I wonder what this new year will bring.  I don’t do resolutions, I gave those up a long time ago.  But there are always things I am hopeful about at the beginning of a new year.  There are the obvious things like good health, success, time with friends and family and happiness.  There are other things I am hopeful for this year, I would LOVE to see my book published this year, I want to travel to Portland to see my family, I want to get my passport and make more memories with the people that I love.

The other thing the beginning of the new year represents for me is the beginning of another year without my heart, my Robby.  I can’t believe he has been gone 2-1/2 years, it feels like forever and it feels like 5 minutes ago.    There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my son, Robby.  Now for the closest thing to a resolution I will make, this year I hope to find and understand my ‘new normal’.  I know life will never be the same without Robby, so I have to make a new life, a new normal.  That doesn’t mean leaving the past behind me, I carry my memories with me like precious cargo.  It just means I need to figure out what my life will be going forward.

So I think I am ready to see what this year will bring…….hopefully ready.

Gold shiny Happy New year 2019 3d rendering at wooden block table and blur wood wall,Holiday greeting card for social media.

Book Update

Well as I have posted about before, I am writing a book to tell my story about living with agoraphobia and the process of finding a way out.   So right now I have been working a lot on the book.  My cancer recurrence last year has motivated me to get it finish, I would hate to see it left unfinished.  It’s funny, in the beginning I wasn’t sure I wanted  to write a book.  But the more I wrote the more it came to life and the more I want to see it in print.  I have most chapters written and am editing them now.  The rest of the chapters are outlined and ready to be written.  The book was originally going to end with my first cancer, but at the suggestion of someone I trust that has changed.  The book now will end with the death of my son, Robby.  I am not looking forward to writing that chapter.

As part of the process of writing the book I have contacted people who are in the book or their likeness is in the book.  It’s been interesting to me, some are very supportive of this project.  But others don’t seem to believe that I am really writing a book.  Well I guess they will be surprised when the book is published and released.

There have been obstacles along the way, the most recent one was keyboard failure.  I like to go places and write, my favorite spot is the Chipotle at Seacliff Village in Huntington Beach.  I linked my tablet to the cloud making my project portable.  But two days ago my keyboard went goofy, it was adding letters and spaces all on it’s own.  So after a quick visit to Amazon I have a new wireless keyboard with a channel to stand my tablet.  I am back at mobile status again.

Resized_20181228_161424

It’s Begining to Look a Lot Like……The Holidays…..Again

I can’t figure out where the year has gone!  So much has happened in 2018, both good and bad.  Some things are carrying over into the new year, also good and bad.  I decided that the last two years I felt obligated to do Christmas.  In 2016 I put up the tree because I knew it would be my last Christmas in the house.  And last year I put up the tree because it was the first Christmas in my new house.  This year I wanted Christmas to feel like a choice.  So I have put a tree and I have tried to ‘do’ Christmas.  The holidays are really tough since Robby is gone and I know they will never be the same.  So this year I am starting my search for the new normal for holidays.  There’s got to be a way that’s at least a little less painful.

I did some things I hadn’t done for a while, like sewing and painting.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed making things.  I made a couple of aprons like my Great Grandma Clare wore.  She has been on my mind a lot this Christmas.  I spent a lot of time with her growing up and she taught me so many things like cooking, baking, how to wear and apron and about the power of positive thinking.  I find myself missing my family this year and the realization that my family traditions end with me has left me sad.

But now with Christmas behind me, I am looking forward to New Years and the possibilities that a new year can bring.

One Year…..What a Year

Well I have survived the first year (actually almost a year and a half) in my new place.  It has been quite the year, it has included my cancer recurrence, the second birthday Robby wasn’t here for, the second anniversary of his death, a failed friendship and a new relationship.  I’ll start where I left off last year, I am feeling more at home here, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the old house.  I think there will always be part of me that will miss that house, so many years and so many memories!

I finished my chemotherapy and had surgery to remove the tumor.  Now I am back on the three month plan with my oncologist.  She believes that we are going to be in a pattern where we will find something, treat it and I will be okay for a short time.  Then we will find something, treat it and I will for okay for a short time……….  This time my tumor was sent for genetic testing, which revealed another issue, I am BRC-2 positive.  So now I am in the high risk breast cancer program.  It also puts me at risk for other various cancers.  I have decided since I finished treatment that I will do all my monitoring, but I refuse to make my life all about cancer.

June is not my favorite month and this year I feel like it started in May.  Of course May 30th is when my mom died, 8 years ago.  Then June 5th, Robby’s birthday, kicked my butt! A very close friend from my support group came over and I shared pictures, video and stories of Robby and that felt good.  Another friend came and brought cupcakes from the bakery where we always got Robby’s cake.  His birthday seemed harder this year, but last year I was selling the house and moving, which provided some distraction.  I know it will never be easier, but I didn’t expect it to be worse.  Then there was June 11th, the anniversary of the day he died.  And of course all the holidays, they are difficult, but I have made more of an effort this year to face them.

I have been working on the book a lot.  I think my recurrence last year has motivated me, I really want to finish it.  I feel even more excitement about the book and can’t wait to see it published.  I am going to be posting more often on here.  I know I have said that before, but with my renewed dedication to the book, I feel that same dedication about this blog.