Category: Life

The More I Think I Understand Life….The More Questions I have

I have spent a lot of my life on a search for answers.  Now, I am not in search of the deeper meaning of life, I don’t have that much time or energy.  But I am trying to understand why things happen or what they mean.  This is not a new project for me, I have spent most of my life researching everything, that is how I learned….anything and everything. 

In my search I have learned a few really good survival skills, like picking your battles.  I used that one mostly with my Mom, she could argue and stand her ground on any topic, whether or not she was right.  Then there is the skill of letting things just roll off your back, that one stills needs some work, but I am making progress.  When my husband died, my Grandmother taught me a great survival skill, she told me that everyone will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that not true, with time you just learn to live with it.  Over the years I have come to agree.

But the one thing I am still trying hard to understand is people.  I pride myself on the ability to read people, but what I don’t seem to get is why some people do the things they do.  Is it just them?  Or is it something  that I do that causes them to pull away?  I understand what it means to be a friend, how to be there to support and help, how to laugh-even when it is difficult, smile, cry and to love.  But then someone I think I know does something that I can not for the life of me figure out.  I am left with so many questions and no obvious way to get answers.  I tried calling this person and I asked the question that I needed to ask ‘what happened’.  I waited to hear the answer, although I didn’t need the answer, I had for the probably the first time in our 23 year friendship, stood up for myself and didn’t just work to make everything OK.  I got an answer, but it still left me with questions.  In the few days following my call I have decided that perhaps there are no good answers, maybe it just goes back to my best survival skill of all, if you don’t expect anything or if you set your expectations low enough you will rarely be disappointed.

Changes

As everyone knows, but might not like, the fact is that life seems to constantly be changing.  People come and go, they die, babies are born, jobs change, there are promotions, then there are marriages, divorces, even change of mind and so much more.  I know when my panic/anxiety and agoraphobia where at their worst change was something I did not deal well with.  To try to deal with changes I would just visit my old friend denial again and make believe that things were just the same-that worked for me….or maybe not.  I fooled myself for as long as possible, I found that creating my own little world inside my house made it a little easier to cope.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t confronted with changes, I was, but I put them into my own context.  When that didn’t work I just buried whatever changes there were, hoping never to see them again.  But then therapy came along and suddenly my previously denied and buried changes were on public display.  

I find that I have become better about handling change, at least most of the time.  But there are some times when it seems like there are more changes than I can deal with.  I feel like I have been knee deep in way too many changes lately and I am overwhelmed.   I have someone I am very close with that lives a distance away and is now moving further away.  I have had some deaths, changes in my life style, health changes, changes in the way I access medical care, changes with my son, and I am sure there are more that I am forgetting.  I think it would help if I had some sort of chart to keep it all straight.  I have decisions to make that could lead to more changes in our life.   I am trying hard to use the tools I have learned in therapy to keep it all in perspective, you’ll notice I said trying.

 

 

Life can be so……..overwhelming

There have been times when I felt overwhelmed by my anxiety.  But for some time now that’s been better, or at least manageable.  Lately it seems that life is what tends to be overwhelming.  It’s not any one thing in particular, actually most of the time it is simply the accumulation of things that is overwhelming to the point that I just want to run.  Running is the way I cope (or not cope) when I am overwhelmed.

About a month ago I was so stressed about several things; like money, health issues, house issues, money, my son, legal issues and oh yeah money.  I started feeling like I couldn’t breath and like I was having palpitations.  I tried to reduce some of my stress (if only that was simple) but it didn’t seem to help.  But, as always with me I just kept going.  Then I started having chest pains, so I decided that perhaps I needed to go to the emergency room-so I did.  They did some tests, consulted with a cardioligist, did some more test and I learned what a code 10 is (chest pains).  But after all that there were no conclusive answers.  So, since then I have had more tests-a cardiac CT, echocardiogram, another EKG and I have seen the cardioligist, who has ordered another test, an Adenosine test.

Through all this the one thing I have not had is anxiety, but I’m not sure I have the energy to be anxious.  All this would seem enough to deal with…but no.  We recently had a large rain storm here in California and I had flooding in my garage.  So I have been moving things that were in the water.  I had an interesting experience, I was moving extra floor tiles out to dry and I was short of breath, having palpitations and was a little dizzy-so I learned that if you stay bent over it is easier to deal with the dizziness, or you are just closer to the ground.  Now, I don’t recommend that anyone try that, but for today it got me through and sometimes that just has to be enough.

Is It Me or Is Time Standing Still?

I used to be a very patient person, I could actually drive my Mom crazy just by being patient-she was not in any way a patient person.  Over the years I became a little less patient and now…..well now I am beyond impatient.  Lately I feel like I am even becoming intolerant-not a trait I am happy about.  I think that life has a way of chipping away at you until it finally exposes the nerve.

I am spending this weekend waiting…..that would be difficult enough, but I am waiting for information that could greatly impact my life.  So far I have tried hard to not be anxious, I’ve trying not to think about it and I have even tried letting it go.  I have had only minimal success….all this frustration is just adding to my stress, the same stress I am suppose to be avoiding.  

So, now how will I deal with this?  I still have to wait until sometime Tuesday and that seems so far off right now.  I think I have to try to remember that I can’t change what will happen…doesn’t that sound easy?  In reality I am getting some things done and trying to rest so I will be ready to deal with what comes next.  But in the meantime it certainly feels like time is standing still…….

 

Down the Rabbit Hole-Accessing Medical Care Part 2

I was so hopeful that my health care situation was going to become clearer-but no.  I have now met with someone at clinic about the available plans and the costs-scary stuff!!  As I feared the costs are impossible for me, but clinic doesn’t see it that way.  After they expressed some serious issues with my budget I spent three days cutting, canceling services, subscriptions and I was able to cut enough so that it actually covers my costs-no more bill roulette.  But still there is not enough for all the costs of a health plan.  I could just barely pay the premium and that would leave about $30 a month toward the co-pays and deductibles.  So I met again with someone at clinic and was enrolled in the only plan they are accepting.  I have no idea what I am going to do, I feel like I am in a topsy-turvy maze that has no exit.  I am running and running as fast as I can and fighting as hard as I can–but getting no where.  I keep ending up at the same place–what am I going to do?  I don’t know.  I mean what is the advantage of having a health plan if you can’t afford to use it?

The stress of all this is taking a huge toll on me-I am short of breath all the time, dizzy a lot of the time, crying often, not sleeping much and, if possible, even more tired.  I can’t take much more, my body is already compromised by my cancer and treatment.  But if I don’t fight who will?  I am not even sure exactly what I am fight for or against who or what winning would be.  I keep trying to gather enough information to understand it all, but so far that hasn’t found any answers.  So I continue to run the maze with no exit, perhaps I should have brought some hedge cutters to this fight.  My biggest hope at this point is to figure out what to do, sooner rather than later and before my body gives out on me.

Reality: It’s Like a Kick to the Head

I often use that expression, it seems to me to be a good description of how life can feel.  With that in mind, earlier this week I toured a facility for future placement for my son, Robby.  I have fought most of his life to not place him, but with my cancer I have to make sure all the plans for him are in place.  It was a very nice facility, it was clean, the nursing staff was friendly, they have a great retention rate with the staff, there are other younger patience like my son, lots of activities for all levels of function and they can provide the personal assistance he requires.  All this was great to find, but there is one problem-I now have the visual image of Robby being in a facility and I am not dealing well with that.  I know placement is not only the right option, but it is the only option and that finding the right place is very important to me and Robby.  I realize there is no place that will be like home or provide the same kind of care he has received at home.  So now I am waiting to here back from them about whether they can take his custom bed, it not only keeps him safe, but also gives him a piece of home to take with him.

I still have a couple more places to tour and then I will be so glad to have this done and just spend time with Robby.  It will be great to put this project away, if only I could put away that image I have dreaded all these years and the anxiety/panic response that has followed seeing him in a facility.  The most important thing is to find the right place that will provide for his needs.  After that maybe the anxiety/panic will subside-although it will certainly be replaced with the next stressful thing……

New Year-New Possibilities

It’s always interesting to me how perceptions change as we get older.  When I was young New Years Eve was really just an excuse to party with friends, then it seem to become a time to celebrate and reflect on the year that was ending and look forward to the year that was starting.  But now I find it is a combination of all of that, but mostly for me it’s like a fresh start.  For me every Monday is start-over day, a chance to do better, be more organized and…..  New Years is like the ultimate start-over day.  It gives the opportunity to leave at least some of the past behind and to look forward to new possibilities that life can offer.  In case you haven’t picked-up on it yet, I will admit I am an optimist-although life has forced me over the years to be a bit of a realist as well.

This New Year’s Day I celebrated once again with my son, Robby.  We wore silly metallic party hats, we had noise makers and I was happy to celebrate the beginning of another year with my son.  In past years New Years was just another anxiety filled holiday, the unknown can be so scary.  But now I have so many ‘unknowns’ in my life, I try not to focus on that and then it seems at least a little less scary and less filled with anxiety.  I have no idea what this year will bring or where it may take us, but I am going to try the less anxiety approach and just try focus on the possibilities and remain hopeful………

I wish you all a Happy New Year and let’s see what the coming year brings!!!!!

Thoughts of Christmas-Past and Present

Each year as the holidays grow closer I find myself remembering Christmas’ past, especially the ones when I was a little girl before my Grandfather died (he died when I was seven).  There was something so special about those Christmas’, it was a feeling in the air.  It had nothing to do with presents, it felt warm, loving and even magical.  The holidays were filled with lights, family, friends, baking, cooking, entertaining and going to see Santa.  After Grandpa died those feelings of Christmas were gone, they were replaced with memories of family tension, disagreements and even anger.  This was not Christmas as I knew it and I have tried year after year to get it back, but so far I have not be successful.  

This year we had the priviledge of spending Christmas Eve with our adopted family.  Every year they have a very large open house with family and friends; it is quite a gathering.  I dressed Robby in his Santa pants and hat then Kevin, Robby and I were off.  It was amazing seeing everyone, meeting some family members I had not yet met, sharing wonderful food and conversation and seeing the kids run, play and laugh; it felt like Christmas.  Robby made friends with Grammy, who shared cookies and other treats with him.  He also watched the kids running and playing, Jo’s three year old grandson Jude had fun throwing a foam airplane at Robby and Robby didn’t seem to mind.  Seeing the excitement and joy in the faces of the children took me back to the Christmas’ with my Grandpa.  It made me think that perhaps the feeling I have been searching for is really about simple joy and love and sharing both with the people I love.

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It’s Time to Face the Reality of Cancer……Again

Living with cancer changes your perspective, things that seemed important before cancer may no longer be important.  Many things that most people take for granted have a new importance.  Time is one of those things….most people seem to go along taking time for granted-like there is a never end supply of time.  But when you have cancer, especially stage 4 cancer, you realize quickly what a precious commodity time can be.  I am trying hard to have more time with my son Robby.  To that end I have done chemo-18 cycles of chemo so far-with no regrets. 

Well, I have had a short break in my chemo, something that my body is grateful for.  But now it is time for another cancer marker blood test and exam with my oncologists-the outcome could send me back to chemo.  I am willing to return to chemo in exchange for more time with my son.  Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t want to give the impression that chemo is fun, it is not.  But to have the gift of more time with my son I will do as much chemo as I can.  I know there will come a time that I cannot do anymore chemo, or as I call it, the quantity vs. quality decision-but I am not there yet.

The results of my current cancer marker test and exam have extended my short break from chemo, unless something changes.  I am pleased to have at least a little more time for my body to recover from chemo.  But that being said I also feel like I am back waiting  for the other shoe to drop.  The feeling of impending doom does not help my anxiety.  The two things I need to remember right now are: my oncologist made it clear in the beginning that recurrence for me is not if, but when and for today-no chemo.  In a short time we will go through this again, except this time we will add scans-but that’s for another day…..

Black Friday Shopping–Mall vs Pajamas

Black Friday shopping has become part of Thanksgiving-like leftovers.  I know my Mom and I used to spend part of Thanksgiving Day with the ads deciding what stores we would go to and in what order-like a well calculated battle plan.  Then we would be up and out at dawn with our lists, ads and layer upon layer of clothes.  When my agoraphobia made it impossible for me to go to the sales it seemed that was the end for our shopping.  But then we discovered the wonderful world of online shopping.  Not only was this a new way for us to continue to shop, but best of all we could shop in pajamas-it doesn’t get better than that.

This year I decided to go out to a couple of stores on my own.  At 7 AM I was at Old Navy, it was a great experience.  They had an amazing sale and lots of employees to help and every check out was open.  After that I felt confident to try another sale, so about 3 PM I went to Target.  It was busy, but not crazy.  I had two things I was looking for, the first took me to the men’s department.  What an ordeal, they had moved the already crowded racks even tighter together.  I still go out in my wheelchair-it makes me feel safe enough to go places.  So, I saw what I was looking for and I tried to make my way through the maze to get there.  I got almost there when my wheelchair got stuck, I could not move forward or back.  So I had a panic attack-I haven’t had one in a very long time.  The only way I finally got out was to push a display enough to back out.  I tried to find the other item, but had no luck and I decided that I just wanted to leave.

What I learned from this experience is that even if you can go it doesn’t mean you have to go.  And shopping is pajamas is so much better than fighting a crowd.  So next big sale I will be at my computer with my stack of ads, and yes in my pajamas.

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