Category: Moving

The New Four Letter Word….Hate

Hate is nothing new, but it does seem to have reach a new level. It feels like hate has become a weapon, much like a blunt force instrument. People have always seemed to hate what is different or change or some hate just to hate. But now I see that level of hate is now baseline and hate today is so much more.

One current example of hate is found in politics. Now there’s never been a shortage of hate and anger in politics, but I see some that are so focused on hate and anger that they can’t see any other perspective. As I have written before, politics used to center around vigorous debate and exchange of ideas. And at the end of the day there would usually be some form of compromise. The greater good was not lost, now it’s hard to even find where the greater good is. And some don’t seem to care about it, they just want to spew their anger and hate. There’s certainly no shortage of hate in the new voter suppression laws.

Then there is society as a whole, there’s plenty of hate there. I am currently the target of hate in the community I live in. After my son died I bought a small condo and tried to start a life. I decided to run for the HOA board, I wanted to help keep the community nice and protect the investment I made. I knew the board was no popularity contest, but I had no idea it would get this bad. It has reached a point where lies have been spread about me, people who have been nice to me are silent or glare at me and yesterday I was harassed by someone I don’t even know. And a recall petition was filed earlier this week. Along with a letter full of defamatory lies. My understanding is that I will have an opportunity to speak for myself. I know nothing will change, but for me it’s important to take that opportunity, not that I have a great history of standing up for myself. But this time I feel very strongly about it and I think it’s partly about all the hate. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t have been on the board, I am too kind and that is a trait that will get you run over by those with an agenda to win at all costs.

My next dilemma is deciding if I can continue to live here. I don’t want to move, but I also don’t want to live in a toxic community. I have stayed in most of today, I just want to avoid the situation. I can’t do that for too long or I will end up back where I started with my agoraphobia. I think I need to allow myself some time to regain perspective and get my feet planted firmly, there’s more fighting to get through.

I know I am too optimistic, but I keep hoping to see the better nature in people……

Oh Wait…Here’s Another Thing……

You know I am no stranger to the idea that life is hard.  But then something comes along and I find myself shaking my head in frustration.  My goal when my son died was to go back to work, I tried to make it happen before I sold our home, but no luck.  Next my plan was to find a job after I moved, but then I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of moving.  So now I have been left with a new reality, I need to apply for Social Security disabled widow’s benefits.  This was not what I wanted, but if I have learned anything in life, it is that you really can’t always get what you want.  So I started the process in January of this year and to say that it has been a struggle would be an understatement.  I knew with the first phone call to make the interview appointment it was going to be a difficult process.  The woman on the phone asked if my doctor had told me when I might die……did she seriously say that?  Yes she did.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to affect my chances.  So I came up with this response–I never asked my doctor that question….not too bad a response on the fly.  Since that first call I have had my interview, had to defend my eligibility to apply, spent time trying to get info on the phone and several trips into the office.  They told me that cancer cases like mine get expedited, but that has not been the case for me.  As of my latest trip to the office this past Thursday, my case has not been assigned to anyone for the medical review and tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since the process started.

The additional stress of this is financial, I am running out of money.  This is especially frustrating to me because I made some bad money decision by trusting the wrong people, I should have known better.  But I can’t change that now.  Looking forward, if a decision isn’t made soon I am going to have to sell my little condo and rent a place so that I have money to live on.  The thought of moving cuts me to the core.  The last move from the home where I raised my son and held his memorial service was devastating.  But I had no choice and I feel like that is where I am again.  I have worked to make my little condo feel like home.  I have included my son here not only in photos, but he has a prominent place in the living room.  I have a trunk with some of his special things in it, and everything else of his is packed in 8 big containers in my garage.

I know what I have to do, I need to stay focused and be persistent, I am.  And I am normally the most optimistic person I know, but this just feels like one thing too many.  I feel like I am fighting for my life and that leaves me with this question–does it really have to be this hard?

The Goal???

I have, once again, gone a long time with out posting–sorry!!  So much has happened, so much to deal with.  Lets see, well the house is finally in escrow.   I have been clear since I had to make the decision to sell the house that all this would end with me moving, that was the goal.  But now that it is a reality and I have an end date I find myself not dealing well with the idea.  This is the place I brought my son when he was 4 months old and for everyday of all 31 years of Robby’s life I tried to create a life here, through the good and the bad!  Leave here now feels like walking away from that and Robby.  Logically I know that is not true, all the memories and Robby are going with me….yes I did say Robby is going with me.  I am not as crazy as that might make me sound.  I believe that the people in your life that die continue to move with you, they are part of who you become in life and how would you every leave parts of yourself behind?  Besides, anybody who knew Robby would know that he wouldn’t let me go far without him!  I have no doubt that he is here, I can feel and sense his presence.

I am now trying to go through and clean out and go through the garage……no words to describe this ‘adventure’.  I have made it clear to everyone that all of Robby’s things go with me, even if that means I have to throw everything else away!!  I need to get the cleaning out part done so I can start packing…..oh my!!  The move seems overwhelming, starting with finding a place to live.  As of right now I have found nothing…..well nothing since the house sold!  I found places while we were on the market, but of course they have sold!moving-out