Category: Reality

Left Behind

I recently had a revelation (those just happen)!  All the years I was stuck in the house I felt like I was missing out on life.  It was as if someone pushed a pause button on my life.  My friends would talk about things they were doing and I wanted to do those things too.  But between my agoraphobia and taking care of Robby I never dreamed that I would have the opportunity to do things or go places with my friends.  But with therapy, my agoraphobia became more manageable and I started facing my fears.  The reward was being able to do more with Robby, not just the things that needed to be done, but also fun things like outings and even a day trip to San Diego.  This encouraged me to keep going, to keep pushing.  I even took dance classes for a while.

Now since Robby is gone I have a lot of time.  But I am realizing that while my life may have been on pause, life for everyone else keep going.  I have tried playing catch up, but that hasn’t worked.  I am finding that my friends have moved past so many things I had hoped to do.  So many things you would normally do with a friend, like shopping, I do by myself.  And I have come to realize that I am alone in what I want to do, like I didn’t already feel alone.

The revelation I had is that life has moved on and I was left behind.

Random Thoughts and Updates

‘Random’  feels like an appropriate word to use right now.  I have been feeling a lot of chaos in my life and that makes it hard for me to focus.  Life with my son was very structured, and while I don’t need that much structure I have become use to it.  The past few weeks have been……I don’t even know how to describe it!

First, was my  struggle with Social Security, which caused weeks of waiting and stressing and holding my breath.  I can update this one, I was approved based on terminal cancer, not the way I like to look at it.

Second, would be my car-talk about frustration and stress!  After weeks of repairs, tows, getting stranded and complete loss of confidence in my car I took it to the  dealership.  They were able to get to the bottom of it, I needed to rebuild the engine.  A friend had asked me about rebuilding the engine several weeks ago, I said no because I don’t have the kind of car that you rebuild.  Well apparently that was wrong, so after 19 days in the shop, 12 days of a rental car and just short of $4000 I have my car back.  It was shocking to me how I started to fall back into the agoraphobia mindset so quickly.  I went from feeling trapped at home to not wanted to leave in a matter of days.  Now I am trying to deal with the anxiety of ‘trusting’ the car again.

Third, on the 11th of April someone very close to me died.  We have been friends for over 27 years.  We have shared good times, bad times and survived more than a few challenges together.  I met her about a year after my husband died at a painting class.  I was struggling to deal with my husband’s death and she brought laughter back into my life.  I admired her dedication to her family and her ability to overcome many things.  It’s hard to believe she is gone, it feels strange and quiet.  Lisa, I will see you later.

Finally there is my apron project.  Last Christmas I made aprons for a few friends, that has become a way to hopefully make some money.  My Great Grandmother taught me how to cook, and how to wear an apron.  So I am making vintage style aprons that I hope will honor her and her memory.  I have several ideas of how and where I might be able to sell them, but I have needed a car to move forward on that.  I call them Gram C’s aprons and I have a hangtag designed for them and everyone comes with an old family recipe.  I hope this idea goes well.

So when you combine all these things with daily life it makes chaos.  So with some things resolved I am going to try to regain my focus and reduce my anxiety……we’ll see how that goes!

Oh Wait…Here’s Another Thing……

You know I am no stranger to the idea that life is hard.  But then something comes along and I find myself shaking my head in frustration.  My goal when my son died was to go back to work, I tried to make it happen before I sold our home, but no luck.  Next my plan was to find a job after I moved, but then I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of moving.  So now I have been left with a new reality, I need to apply for Social Security disabled widow’s benefits.  This was not what I wanted, but if I have learned anything in life, it is that you really can’t always get what you want.  So I started the process in January of this year and to say that it has been a struggle would be an understatement.  I knew with the first phone call to make the interview appointment it was going to be a difficult process.  The woman on the phone asked if my doctor had told me when I might die……did she seriously say that?  Yes she did.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to affect my chances.  So I came up with this response–I never asked my doctor that question….not too bad a response on the fly.  Since that first call I have had my interview, had to defend my eligibility to apply, spent time trying to get info on the phone and several trips into the office.  They told me that cancer cases like mine get expedited, but that has not been the case for me.  As of my latest trip to the office this past Thursday, my case has not been assigned to anyone for the medical review and tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since the process started.

The additional stress of this is financial, I am running out of money.  This is especially frustrating to me because I made some bad money decision by trusting the wrong people, I should have known better.  But I can’t change that now.  Looking forward, if a decision isn’t made soon I am going to have to sell my little condo and rent a place so that I have money to live on.  The thought of moving cuts me to the core.  The last move from the home where I raised my son and held his memorial service was devastating.  But I had no choice and I feel like that is where I am again.  I have worked to make my little condo feel like home.  I have included my son here not only in photos, but he has a prominent place in the living room.  I have a trunk with some of his special things in it, and everything else of his is packed in 8 big containers in my garage.

I know what I have to do, I need to stay focused and be persistent, I am.  And I am normally the most optimistic person I know, but this just feels like one thing too many.  I feel like I am fighting for my life and that leaves me with this question–does it really have to be this hard?

Big Step Forward!!

Well yesterday I handed over the first 6 chapters of my book!  This begins the search for a publisher!!  I am excited and, of course, anxious!!  It feels a little like I gave away my child!  I am so hoping to see the book published this year!  But now the waiting begins….

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Book Update

Well as I have posted about before, I am writing a book to tell my story about living with agoraphobia and the process of finding a way out.   So right now I have been working a lot on the book.  My cancer recurrence last year has motivated me to get it finish, I would hate to see it left unfinished.  It’s funny, in the beginning I wasn’t sure I wanted  to write a book.  But the more I wrote the more it came to life and the more I want to see it in print.  I have most chapters written and am editing them now.  The rest of the chapters are outlined and ready to be written.  The book was originally going to end with my first cancer, but at the suggestion of someone I trust that has changed.  The book now will end with the death of my son, Robby.  I am not looking forward to writing that chapter.

As part of the process of writing the book I have contacted people who are in the book or their likeness is in the book.  It’s been interesting to me, some are very supportive of this project.  But others don’t seem to believe that I am really writing a book.  Well I guess they will be surprised when the book is published and released.

There have been obstacles along the way, the most recent one was keyboard failure.  I like to go places and write, my favorite spot is the Chipotle at Seacliff Village in Huntington Beach.  I linked my tablet to the cloud making my project portable.  But two days ago my keyboard went goofy, it was adding letters and spaces all on it’s own.  So after a quick visit to Amazon I have a new wireless keyboard with a channel to stand my tablet.  I am back at mobile status again.

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It’s Begining to Look a Lot Like……The Holidays…..Again

I can’t figure out where the year has gone!  So much has happened in 2018, both good and bad.  Some things are carrying over into the new year, also good and bad.  I decided that the last two years I felt obligated to do Christmas.  In 2016 I put up the tree because I knew it would be my last Christmas in the house.  And last year I put up the tree because it was the first Christmas in my new house.  This year I wanted Christmas to feel like a choice.  So I have put a tree and I have tried to ‘do’ Christmas.  The holidays are really tough since Robby is gone and I know they will never be the same.  So this year I am starting my search for the new normal for holidays.  There’s got to be a way that’s at least a little less painful.

I did some things I hadn’t done for a while, like sewing and painting.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed making things.  I made a couple of aprons like my Great Grandma Clare wore.  She has been on my mind a lot this Christmas.  I spent a lot of time with her growing up and she taught me so many things like cooking, baking, how to wear and apron and about the power of positive thinking.  I find myself missing my family this year and the realization that my family traditions end with me has left me sad.

But now with Christmas behind me, I am looking forward to New Years and the possibilities that a new year can bring.

One Year…..What a Year

Well I have survived the first year (actually almost a year and a half) in my new place.  It has been quite the year, it has included my cancer recurrence, the second birthday Robby wasn’t here for, the second anniversary of his death, a failed friendship and a new relationship.  I’ll start where I left off last year, I am feeling more at home here, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the old house.  I think there will always be part of me that will miss that house, so many years and so many memories!

I finished my chemotherapy and had surgery to remove the tumor.  Now I am back on the three month plan with my oncologist.  She believes that we are going to be in a pattern where we will find something, treat it and I will be okay for a short time.  Then we will find something, treat it and I will for okay for a short time……….  This time my tumor was sent for genetic testing, which revealed another issue, I am BRC-2 positive.  So now I am in the high risk breast cancer program.  It also puts me at risk for other various cancers.  I have decided since I finished treatment that I will do all my monitoring, but I refuse to make my life all about cancer.

June is not my favorite month and this year I feel like it started in May.  Of course May 30th is when my mom died, 8 years ago.  Then June 5th, Robby’s birthday, kicked my butt! A very close friend from my support group came over and I shared pictures, video and stories of Robby and that felt good.  Another friend came and brought cupcakes from the bakery where we always got Robby’s cake.  His birthday seemed harder this year, but last year I was selling the house and moving, which provided some distraction.  I know it will never be easier, but I didn’t expect it to be worse.  Then there was June 11th, the anniversary of the day he died.  And of course all the holidays, they are difficult, but I have made more of an effort this year to face them.

I have been working on the book a lot.  I think my recurrence last year has motivated me, I really want to finish it.  I feel even more excitement about the book and can’t wait to see it published.  I am going to be posting more often on here.  I know I have said that before, but with my renewed dedication to the book, I feel that same dedication about this blog.

 

Here I Go Again!!

6186bd8d88ac604dda34a4e41a2c4d39l-m7xd-w1020_h770_q80It has been such a long time since I posted, so I will start with a couple of updates.  I am in the new condo and the work is mostly done, only a few small few things left to finish. It is starting to feel like home, different but home!!  I bought a wood trunk and created a space for Robby, I placed a some of his things in it.  I like the fact that he has presence in the new place!  The rest of his things are in 8 storage containers in my garage.

Now, for the newest development I had starting have some symptoms that concerned my oncologist before the move. She ran multiple test but couldn’t find anything.  She did a lab test for my cancer marker and it was elevated, so she finally did a PET scan after the move and she found a recurrence of my cancer.  So we started chemo first to try and control spreading and after my third cycle she will repeat my scan and do surgery to try to remove the cancer. As for a prognosis, well we will know more after the next scan and surgery, but it is not great.  She explained that a recurrence this far out from my last chemo is considered incurable, but she wants to see if I can get at least part way back to where I have been with my cancer. She feels I may be starting a pattern where they find something and treat it, then I am ok for a short time and then they find something and they treat it………..

So I had my first chemo on July 24th and my second one was today.  This has brought back so many memories, both good and bad.  While I miss Robby, I am glad he doesn’t have to go through this again, I know he didn’t understand the first time and that wouldn’t be any better this time.  But I also miss the nurses, not just because of the help they gave me, but I miss their support, humor and caring.  I especially miss the nurse that was always there on my worst chemo days, actually I miss him all the time.  But life changes and people move on and I just have to try and deal with that!

The strangest thing about all this is my anxiety hasn’t been that bad, I think it is because my doctor was so honest in the beginning about my risk for a recurrence. Don’t get me wrong I am not ok with this, and I have trouble dealing with the emotional side, but knowing this would probably happen reduced the shock factor.

 

The Goal???

I have, once again, gone a long time with out posting–sorry!!  So much has happened, so much to deal with.  Lets see, well the house is finally in escrow.   I have been clear since I had to make the decision to sell the house that all this would end with me moving, that was the goal.  But now that it is a reality and I have an end date I find myself not dealing well with the idea.  This is the place I brought my son when he was 4 months old and for everyday of all 31 years of Robby’s life I tried to create a life here, through the good and the bad!  Leave here now feels like walking away from that and Robby.  Logically I know that is not true, all the memories and Robby are going with me….yes I did say Robby is going with me.  I am not as crazy as that might make me sound.  I believe that the people in your life that die continue to move with you, they are part of who you become in life and how would you every leave parts of yourself behind?  Besides, anybody who knew Robby would know that he wouldn’t let me go far without him!  I have no doubt that he is here, I can feel and sense his presence.

I am now trying to go through and clean out and go through the garage……no words to describe this ‘adventure’.  I have made it clear to everyone that all of Robby’s things go with me, even if that means I have to throw everything else away!!  I need to get the cleaning out part done so I can start packing…..oh my!!  The move seems overwhelming, starting with finding a place to live.  As of right now I have found nothing…..well nothing since the house sold!  I found places while we were on the market, but of course they have sold!moving-out

Reality Bites

Well it has been another long gap between posts, life has been…..well…..insane!  Usually my life is crazy, but it has reached a whole new level.  Where to start….the house is still on the market.  I knew it would be a difficult process to sell the house and move, but I never dreamed it would take this long to sell.  The stress of this and my financial situation are really taking a toll on my health, but I just keep hoping it will be over soon.

Speaking of my health, I have been having some test done with my oncologist.   I have been having some symptoms and she is trying to determine if it may be a recurrence of my cancer.  I tried but can’t stress about it…..it is the one thing too many!  I can’t change what happens, so I will just wait and see.

Then there is Robby….oh how I miss him!  It feels like I miss him even more now.  There is a huge painful void in my life and my heart, nothing can fill it and nothing can fix it.  I am scared how I will deal with the anniversary of his death in June.  So far I haven’t done well with any holidays, or even days like today.  It was one year ago today that he was admitted to the hospital for that horrific 31 day stay that started him down the path that ended in his death.  There are days when I think the pain of his loss with just consume me.  I find myself want to talk with the people there that night he passed, or at least the ones still speaking to me, I feel like they understand.  Most nights I still have trouble sleeping and am back sleeping most nights with the lights on, a subtle reminder of the ‘new’ reality.