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Memories, Birthdays and New Realities

Memories are a funny thing, they can bring you great joy and can also represent great loss.  Over the past couple of weeks my thoughts have been full of memories of my husband, Robert.  I love the opportunity to get lost in the memories of our life together, but at some point the reality creeps back in that he is gone.   When he died my grandmother told me that people will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that time just lets you find a way to live with it.  She was right, he has been gone 28 years and I did find a way to live with it, but the pain of his loss is always right there.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday, the third one he hasn’t been here for, he would have been 34.  I was once again this year lost in my memories, photos and videos.  As always I posted photos on Facebook, but this year I included a video, it’s great to see the photo come to life.  I had thought that maybe this year I would be closer to finding a way to live with it, but no.  In some ways it has seemed harder this year.  I ordered his favorite cake and  I spent the day mostly alone, as I have the two previous years.

Which brings me back to the new reality, I am alone.  That’s not to say I don’t have friends, I do and they have become my ‘family’.  It was Robby and I for 25-1/2 years on our own after Robert’s death.  I was technically on my own, but Robby was there.  I find comfort knowing that Robby and his dad are together again and someday we will all be together.  But for now I have to find a way to deal with my newest reality, being alone.

Updates and Current Events

Well it has been awhile since I posted-things have been and are pretty crazy.  So, let’s see-just over two weeks ago I had emergency gallblatter surgery-that was just what I needed right now.  Being inpatient at Hoag was hard, I have been there so many times with Robby.  In case I didn’t remember an endless number of doctors, nurses and staff remembered me and asked how Robby was doing.   I am still having pain because I am overdoing.

Sabrina and I attended a Celebration of Life Candlelight Rememberance Service at Westminster Memorial Park where Robby’s ashes are interned.  It was emotional, painful and yet beautiful.

The reason I am overdoing is the deadline to have the house ready to sell is the end of this month.  I can’t believe this is happening-I don’t want to move now but I haven’t found a job yet, so….  I feel like I’m going to lose another connection to Robby and even Robert-this is the last place we lived together.  So I am still hoping that a job comes through in time, but it doesn’t look good.

Winding it’s way through everything is Christmas.  I tried to hide from it or ignore it, it’s here.   I put the tree up since this maybe the last Christmas in this house-that was painful.

On a more pleasant note I was invited to a nurse pinning ceremony by Marisol who was one of my son’s nurses.  She graduated as an RN, BSN, PHN from Azusa Pacific University, so I drove to Azusa…..that was a long drive!!!

Waiting……on the edge of my seat

Today I am so nervous!!!  One of the many applications I have out there is for a per diem bookkeeping job at the Hoag Foundation.  Last Monday I received a call from human resources and did a 15 minute phone interview on the drive to my temp job.  The man who called me said he would forward everything to the hiring manager and if the want a face to face interview they would call me the next Monday, which is today.  I have worked hard not to get my hopes up, I think I have done OK.  But I am very nervous and a little anxious.

So now I am trying to keep my nerves in check and my phone close………..

“Fries” Part 2

Well not much has changed-I am still looking for a job.  I have applied for several more-I have lost count how many applications I have out there now.  I did get a temp job through a friend of mine, I am doing political phone banking.  I drive an hour to work a 4-1/2 hour shift and about 40 minutes to get home.  Well, it is something I can add to my resume and it gives me some money I can spend on the house.

Oh the house!!  I am still trying to get everything done, but less is getting done the last few weeks with working.  But I did get started on the outside of the house, that’s where I have to pay someone.  It is a much bigger project than I had planned on.  Each thing that gets done reveals something else that needs to be addressed.  The more that I have to pay to have done the less time I can stay in the house.  Everyday I face my deadline and my fear of having to move.

Update:just before posting this I got a call and did a phone interview for a job at a large hospital and now I am waiting to see if they call for a face to face interview.

Marking Time

It has been two weeks since by world changed with the passing of my son, Robby.  I have tried staying busy by doing projects at home, shopping, running an endless number of errands, cleaning and having lunch with friends.  To block everything out I have been obsessing about the planning for the memorial service, but that will end soon.  Like in the beginning I talk and participate in whatever activity but I don’t feel anything-well I do feel empty and lost most of the time.  Some days I feel like I am just marking time, waiting for something to feel right, but so far no.  Everyone keeps telling me how good I am doing and that it’s my turn or I can do whatever I want-really??  That doesn’t feel right either.  I have no idea of what I want to do or where I go from here.  All I am sure of is how much I miss my son.  And the only thing that takes a little of that pain away is knowing he is at least in a better place.

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Anxiety and Living

I, like most people, have experienced some degree of anxiety in their daily life….that’s not what I am referring to here.  Instead I am referring to the anxiety of the ‘survivors’-those left to try to move forward.  There is so much involved in moving forward–it can include making final arrangements, the difficult task of notifying people, trying to find a way to deal with the pain, dealing with property and belongs or even just hoping to get through another day. As for me, I have long believed that death is usually best for the one who dies-no more pain, anxiety, illness and limitations.  But as for those of us left behind—well it sucks.

There is the obvious question of how to move forward—not an easy or simple task.  Even after the funeral or memorial and/or burial there is the anxiety of what’s next and how to cope.  Then if all that isn’t enough, there’s the anxiety of guilt—did you do enough, did you make the right decision or were you there enough……

Then in case you are not overwhelmed with enough anxiety, there is the nagging and anxiety filled question-when will things seem OK again?  Or will things ever be OK again?  When my husband was killed my Grandmother gave me the best answer to that–she told me that people will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said it does not.  Time, she told me, just lets you find a way to live with it.  I have found that to be true, I don’t think you ever really ‘recover’ from the lost of someone you love–I’m not sure you should.  That probably sounds strange, but all the people in our life, both living and those who are gone, are all part of who we are and if you just cut those parts away what is left?  Now that is a question filled with anxiety!!!