Marching In Place – Page 3 – Living and Struggling with Agoraphobia

Baggage That Needs To Be Packed

I have a chapter in my life that I really want to fold neatly and pack away. I have processed it, learned lessons from it and want to move on from it. I haven’t been able to do that because the people involved still owe me money. Yes, that was one of the lessons from this, don’t loan money!! So, one of them has chosen to ignore my attempts to collect it. The other one made a payment arrangement with me and paid some payments (not on time) and now has quit paying. Now I am left with no option but to file at small claims court, not something I want to do. So last week I filed the first case, this one is against the person that quit paying. Next stop…court. Then I will file against the other person, I decided to take them on one at a time. This has brought back the feelings, the memory of what happened and all my regret that I let myself get into that situation.

I wish that court could be the end, but even if I get a judgement I will still have to try to collect the money. Some days I feel like this will never be over, but I am trying to hold onto hope. I have my bag ready to be packed…….some day, some day!!

I’ve Met The Enemy….And It’s Tiny

It’s been too long since I posted here, I’ve been dealing with a new enemy. I am allergic to mosquito bites. This summer I have already been bit 16 times, it’s just the middle of July. This battle has taken me to the ER twice, several doctor’s appointments, lots of steroids, many boxes of Benadryl, lots of tubes of cortisone cream, antibiotics and endless hours with the icepack. It has caused pain, swelling, inflammation, itching, nausea, hours of walking the floor and many, many sleepless nights.

I went online in search of info about preventing mosquito bites. I read about all kinds of repellants and found some that are natural, I don’t like to put a lot of chemicals on my skin. I read an endless amount of advice about what clothes to wear, what colors to avoid wearing and times of day to avoid being outside. I read medical articles about why some people have such severe reactions. I also made a request to the OC Mosquito and Vector Control District, I wanted to see if there was anything we could do in my complex to help. The inspector came out and found what kind of mosquitoes we have; we have the Asian Tiger mosquito. He told me they are black and white and are only 1/4 long. He explained that his mosquito can breed in less than 1 ounce of water. And they are aggressive, yeah-I’ve seen that. And this kind bite in the daytime as well nighttime. He found one source, but was concerned there are more, so he made some recommendations.

The ‘side effect’ of this ‘war’ is some backsliding with my agoraphobia. I am staying home more to avoid getting bit. But when I do go out there is my friend anxiety waiting for me. Things I haven’t had any trouble with for a long time are difficult again. This is not only frustrating, but it is discouraging. With so much summer left the reality is I will have to be inside more. So, my thoughts are first, I think it’s good that I am aware of what going on. Second, I have to find a way to address this, so far I have decided I have to leave the house at least every other day. It doesn’t matter whether I just go drive or do an errand, just so I leave the house.

I will not be pushed back to where I was by this tiny, annoying insect.

Mile Markers and Grief

June 11th was the third anniversary of my son Robby’s death. This day comes 6 days after his birthday, that’s still hard to process. I find the special days like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, are like mile markers on this journey called grief. For me, I find myself traveling along, then the anxiety kicks in, I realize the date and I know what’s coming. My most recent experience with this started in May, a month that brings my Mom’s birthday and ends with the anniversary of her death. This is followed closely by Robby’s birthday on June 5th and, as I mentioned, his anniversary on the 11th.

I realize that the term mile markers might seem odd, it may be. When I learned to drive being able to read a map was a necessity. Most people carried folded maps in the glove box, and/or a Thomas Brothers map book. An important part of reading a map was being sure where you were, that was the importance of the mile markers on the highways. I have found that on this grief journey there are times when I’m not sure which way I am going and a mile marker would be helpful. Then there have been times when it feels like there are too many markers and it becomes overwhelming. There is no map or guide book for this journey.

I have come to believe two things, one is as long as you are moving that’s enough. And two, the mile markers are love. It’s the love that helps lead us in the right direction. And I believe it’s the love that can help us survive this journey called grief.

Memories, Birthdays and New Realities

Memories are a funny thing, they can bring you great joy and can also represent great loss. Over the past couple of weeks my thoughts have been full of memories of my husband, Robert. I love the opportunity to get lost in the memories of our life together, but at some point the reality creeps back in that he is gone. When he died my grandmother told me that people will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that time just lets you find a way to live with it. She was right, he has been gone 28 years and I did find a way to live with it, but the pain of his loss is always right there.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday, the third one he hasn’t been here for, he would have been 34. I was once again this year lost in my memories, photos and videos. As always I posted photos on Facebook, but this year I included a video, it’s great to see the photo come to life. I had thought that maybe this year I would be closer to finding a way to live with it, but no. In some ways it has seemed harder this year. I ordered his favorite cake and I spent the day mostly alone, as I have the two previous years.

Which brings me back to the new reality, I am alone. That’s not to say I don’t have friends, I do and they have become my ‘family’. It was Robby and I for 25-1/2 years on our own after Robert’s death. I was technically on my own, but Robby was there. I find comfort knowing that Robby and his dad are together again and someday we will all be together. But for now I have to find a way to deal with my newest reality, being alone.

Left Behind

I recently had a revelation (those just happen)! All the years I was stuck in the house I felt like I was missing out on life. It was as if someone pushed a pause button on my life. My friends would talk about things they were doing and I wanted to do those things too. But between my agoraphobia and taking care of Robby I never dreamed that I would have the opportunity to do things or go places with my friends. But with therapy, my agoraphobia became more manageable and I started facing my fears. The reward was being able to do more with Robby, not just the things that needed to be done, but also fun things like outings and even a day trip to San Diego. This encouraged me to keep going, to keep pushing. I even took dance classes for a while.

Now since Robby is gone I have a lot of time. But I am realizing that while my life may have been on pause, life for everyone else keep going. I have tried playing catch up, but that hasn’t worked. I am finding that my friends have moved past so many things I had hoped to do. So many things you would normally do with a friend, like shopping, I do by myself. And I have come to realize that I am alone in what I want to do, like I didn’t already feel alone.

The revelation I had is that life has moved on and I was left behind.

Random Thoughts and Updates

‘Random’ feels like an appropriate word to use right now. I have been feeling a lot of chaos in my life and that makes it hard for me to focus. Life with my son was very structured, and while I don’t need that much structure I have become use to it. The past few weeks have been……I don’t even know how to describe it!

First, was my struggle with Social Security, which caused weeks of waiting and stressing and holding my breath. I can update this one, I was approved based on terminal cancer, not the way I like to look at it.

Second, would be my car-talk about frustration and stress! After weeks of repairs, tows, getting stranded and complete loss of confidence in my car I took it to the dealership. They were able to get to the bottom of it, I needed to rebuild the engine. A friend had asked me about rebuilding the engine several weeks ago, I said no because I don’t have the kind of car that you rebuild. Well apparently that was wrong, so after 19 days in the shop, 12 days of a rental car and just short of $4000 I have my car back. It was shocking to me how I started to fall back into the agoraphobia mindset so quickly. I went from feeling trapped at home to not wanted to leave in a matter of days. Now I am trying to deal with the anxiety of ‘trusting’ the car again.

Third, on the 11th of April someone very close to me died. We have been friends for over 27 years. We have shared good times, bad times and survived more than a few challenges together. I met her about a year after my husband died at a painting class. I was struggling to deal with my husband’s death and she brought laughter back into my life. I admired her dedication to her family and her ability to overcome many things. It’s hard to believe she is gone, it feels strange and quiet. Lisa, I will see you later.

Finally there is my apron project. Last Christmas I made aprons for a few friends, that has become a way to hopefully make some money. My Great Grandmother taught me how to cook, and how to wear an apron. So I am making vintage style aprons that I hope will honor her and her memory. I have several ideas of how and where I might be able to sell them, but I have needed a car to move forward on that. I call them Gram C’s aprons and I have a hangtag designed for them and everyone comes with an old family recipe. I hope this idea goes well.

So when you combine all these things with daily life it makes chaos. So with some things resolved I am going to try to regain my focus and reduce my anxiety……we’ll see how that goes!

Yaayyyy Four More

I feel like there have been a lot of book updates lately, but that’s where my energy has been. That being said, here is another one! I have four more chapters done! I have read and re-read and edited and nit picked them. I feel like I need to hand them off before I overthink them anymore. There is one chapter I keep going back to, I feel like it needs more, but when I try to add to it I end up taking it out. So I decided to move on to a new chapter, I just finished writing chapter 11, well first draft. Several of the upcoming chapters are written and just need a fresh look and I’m sure some changes. The more chapters I get done the more excited I am about the book! I just need to secure a publisher…..

Oh Wait…Here’s Another Thing……

You know I am no stranger to the idea that life is hard. But then something comes along and I find myself shaking my head in frustration. My goal when my son died was to go back to work, I tried to make it happen before I sold our home, but no luck. Next my plan was to find a job after I moved, but then I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of moving. So now I have been left with a new reality, I need to apply for Social Security disabled widow’s benefits. This was not what I wanted, but if I have learned anything in life, it is that you really can’t always get what you want. So I started the process in January of this year and to say that it has been a struggle would be an understatement. I knew with the first phone call to make the interview appointment it was going to be a difficult process. The woman on the phone asked if my doctor had told me when I might die……did she seriously say that? Yes she did. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to affect my chances. So I came up with this response–I never asked my doctor that question….not too bad a response on the fly. Since that first call I have had my interview, had to defend my eligibility to apply, spent time trying to get info on the phone and several trips into the office. They told me that cancer cases like mine get expedited, but that has not been the case for me. As of my latest trip to the office this past Thursday, my case has not been assigned to anyone for the medical review and tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since the process started.

The additional stress of this is financial, I am running out of money. This is especially frustrating to me because I made some bad money decision by trusting the wrong people, I should have known better. But I can’t change that now. Looking forward, if a decision isn’t made soon I am going to have to sell my little condo and rent a place so that I have money to live on. The thought of moving cuts me to the core. The last move from the home where I raised my son and held his memorial service was devastating. But I had no choice and I feel like that is where I am again. I have worked to make my little condo feel like home. I have included my son here not only in photos, but he has a prominent place in the living room. I have a trunk with some of his special things in it, and everything else of his is packed in 8 big containers in my garage.

I know what I have to do, I need to stay focused and be persistent, I am. And I am normally the most optimistic person I know, but this just feels like one thing too many. I feel like I am fighting for my life and that leaves me with this question–does it really have to be this hard?

Big Step Forward!!

Well yesterday I handed over the first 6 chapters of my book! This begins the search for a publisher!! I am excited and, of course, anxious!! It feels a little like I gave away my child! I am so hoping to see the book published this year! But now the waiting begins….

Silly Foolish Thoughts???

As I have talked about before I am working on my book. I have been trying very hard to get the first six chapters done and edited. I have more chapters written, but the first six are what I need to start looking for a publisher.

So the other night I had a girls night at my house, it gave me a chance to show off my martini mixing skills. We talked about many things, including my book. I got out one of my journals I am referencing in my writing. I wanted to show my unique post it tab system, it’s a little crazy. One of my friends asked if they could just pick a page at random and I could read what was on it? I said sure, so she picked one and I shared an entry about Steven, the delivery driver. They laughed and I shared another entry about Steven. They then said that obviously I had a crush on him and they laughed, and suddenly I felt silly and foolish.

Yes I talked to Steven and yes I flirted with him and yes I like him, he is an interesting person. But the point that was missed is those conversations with Steven provided me with both motivation and hope. I pushed myself harder to be outside so I could talk to him. And when I did it made me see there was life outside my house, that gave me hope.

So today I was working on the chapter about Steven and I found myself second guessing what I have written. Are people going to miss the point? Am I just going to look silly? Are people just going to laugh? Is this whole project just a joke? I hope not!! I have poured so much into the book and I want to think readers will get something from it, that’s why I am writing it.

So after hours and hours today of struggling with this, I have decided that as I stated at the beginning of this project, I have to be true to my story. And if some people think it’s a joke, well that’s ok. My hope will still be that it reaches someone and helps them.