Marching In Place – Page 5 – Living and Struggling with Agoraphobia

Random Updates and Thoughts

Well, first I did not hear back about the interview. I am trying to maintain my optimism but some days it’s not so easy. So, with that being said I met with a realtor on Monday to get some information and make sure there isn’t more work I need to do on the house. Unless something unexpected happens the house will go on the market right after the holidays. I have so much painting and work that I have to do and work to hire done, but less and less time to get it done. I find myself sitting, stuck in the memories of 31 years lived in the house. I knew it could have to end this way, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Next, Sabrina and I have been fostering a dog for my friend Lilly who rescues dogs. Lucy, a 1 year old black terrier mix, has been a challenge to say the least. She needs a lot of patience, but she gives a lot of love to any person that gives her attention. At times it has been very difficult for me, like the night I had to take her to the emergency animal clinic in the middle of the night, it was a flash back to an endless number of late nigh ER visits with Robby. And just like with Robby it started with trying to decide whether to go or try to wait it out overnight. I cried the whole way to the clinic, and the whole way back. But her time with us is coming to an end, Lilly is in search of a forever home for Lucy.

Finally, as for nightmares/tears/pain…..well status quo. I have no idea when or if any of that will improve. You know it’s funny, I have friends that push me about moving on, or getting rid of my son’s things. But I have one friend that makes sense to me, he said don’t you ever forget your boy, hold on to all your memories, cry whenever you need to and talk about him anytime you need or want to. Thank you for that advise Curtis. So I just keep trying to move forward, but I can’t even think about moving on…….

Waiting……on the edge of my seat

Today I am so nervous!!! One of the many applications I have out there is for a per diem bookkeeping job at the Hoag Foundation. Last Monday I received a call from human resources and did a 15 minute phone interview on the drive to my temp job. The man who called me said he would forward everything to the hiring manager and if the want a face to face interview they would call me the next Monday, which is today. I have worked hard not to get my hopes up, I think I have done OK. But I am very nervous and a little anxious.

So now I am trying to keep my nerves in check and my phone close………..

Nightmares……

I woke up earlier this morning in tears, I was having a nightmare about Robby. It went like this: I had to be in the hospital for a couple of days and made arrangements for 24 hour nursing for him at home. But when I got home he was gone, someone had picked him up and taken him to a facility. I couldn’t find out where, I called anyone I could think of, I drove all over to facilities and I still couldn’t find out anything about where he was placed. I was devastated, angry and lost. Then I got a call from one of his doctor’s offices and a nurse I knew, she wanted to know why some facility was asking for a prescription for heart medication for Robby. I told her I didn’t know, that I didn’t even know where he was. I went on to tell her everything that had happened, she gave me all the information for the facility and said she couldn’t understand why he would have been put there, apparently he had just been moved there from another facility. I ran out the door and drove there as fast as possible. They didn’t want to let me see him, but I pushed my way in. Once I found him I started pushing him towards the door, they said I couldn’t take him, I just kept going. They said they were calling the police, I said go ahead I am his conservator and they said the facility was in the process of being named his new conservator. I made it to the car, put him in, left the wheelchair they had him in there and left. I had no idea where I was going, obviously we couldn’t go home…….then I woke up in tears.

“Fries” Part 2

Well not much has changed-I am still looking for a job. I have applied for several more-I have lost count how many applications I have out there now. I did get a temp job through a friend of mine, I am doing political phone banking. I drive an hour to work a 4-1/2 hour shift and about 40 minutes to get home. Well, it is something I can add to my resume and it gives me some money I can spend on the house.

Oh the house!! I am still trying to get everything done, but less is getting done the last few weeks with working. But I did get started on the outside of the house, that’s where I have to pay someone. It is a much bigger project than I had planned on. Each thing that gets done reveals something else that needs to be addressed. The more that I have to pay to have done the less time I can stay in the house. Everyday I face my deadline and my fear of having to move.

Update:just before posting this I got a call and did a phone interview for a job at a large hospital and now I am waiting to see if they call for a face to face interview.

Late Night Tears and Pain

It’s 12:25AM and I am both exhausted and awake. Late nights I seem to fall apart, I think it because there is no audience. During the day is hard, but most of the time I can maintain, but admittedly not always. But then night comes and I feel it coming, a pain from deep inside that nearly takes my breath away. Then comes the emptiness, followed by the feeling of being lost and then the tears, oh the endless tears. The loss of my son has shattered by heart and left me broken and alone. I miss him every minute of the day, but in the quiet of night the feelings just overwhelm me. Sleep evades me, there are some nights I am lucky enough to cry myself to sleep, but not for long. I have had to sleep with lots of lights on, the times I do sleep I wake up and immediately think I need to check on Robby. After 31 years of that being the norm, it is a hard habit to break. But with the lights on I can remember that it is not the norm anymore and then I am back at pain and tears………

(I am writing this tonight through tears and nearly consumed by the pain and loss)

Do You Want Fries With That???

Out of all the changes in my life the one that brings the most stress with it is the financial part. My job and income stopped the day my son died. So I have been spending the majority of my time applying for jobs and working on my house. You see I have a limited amount of time (and money) so doing both is important. I have about another 6-8 weeks to find a job, if I don’t at that point the house has to go on the market.

On the job front, I have many skills that should help me find a job. But the other side is those jobs I had were nearly 31 years ago. I have current employment history, but not many places are looking to hire a mom that gave her life away to take care of a son she loves more than anything. So I use old and new skills and jobs, maybe someone will take a chance with me. I keep finding new website to look for jobs on, my friend Doug told me about 3 websites that I am now using. As of today, 6 jobs I applied for have been filled with someone else and I have approximately 25 open applications out there. A close friend told me you have to be willing to take a job where you would need to ask ‘would you like fries with that?’ I think what she means is you have to be willing to take a job that may be less than what you want.

Now on the house part, I have been patching walls, moving furniture out, stripping wallpaper, painting walls, painting cabinets, cleaning out closets, cleaning out cabinets, cleaning out the garage and building furniture-all on a very tight budget. It has been and is a lot of work for one person. I can’t hire anything done that I can find a way to do myself. I don’t want to move, at least not now….but that may not be my choice in the end. I still can’t even think about going through my son’s things, it is just too painful, so I will have to take it all with me if I have to move. But there is still a lot of work to be done and my deadline is staring me in the face.

I am optimistic by nature, but some days it all feels overwhelming. So I think the plan is that I keep applying for jobs and fixing the house. And remember to remain optimistic that it can work out and hopefully it will!!!

Friends…..or maybe not

This is life lesson number….I have lost track. Since my son passed a large number of my friends have gone missing. I have tried to understand why? or what happened? I have no idea, but my ‘sister’ told me that maybe they don’t know what to say. My response was they don’t have to say anything….but then I guess that is what they are doing.

The other unexplained thing has been a friendship I thought I had with one of my son’s nurses, but again I was apparently wrong. This nurse was with us for over four years, in good times and bad. We shared all the holidays, birthdays, ER visits, lunches, outings, shopping, doctor’s appointments, medical test, procedures, my surgery and chemo-all 18 cycles. Then there are all the things that went beyond the job, like our day trip to San Diego and all the times this nurse stayed with Robby after the end of the shift so I could go to practice parties at dance or to hear my friend’s band play. And this nurse was there all night at the hospital when Robby passed and was around after-we went to dinner, talked and even took me take care of some things that needed to be done.

But now….silence. I have tried to text, but nothing. So finally I decided to push the issue by texting the following: I haven’t texted you because I feel like you don’t want to hear from me-am I right? No response. So a friend of mine talked to this nurse and explained that it would be best to just say what they want, but no the response back was that no answer is an answer…..seriously? So I texted again and said I understand no answer is an answer-whatever. It never felt like it was just about the job until now. So don’t worry I wont bother you again. And of course no answer.

This has been painful, I thought this person was a friend, certainly felt like a family member and I trusted this nurse with the most important thing in the world to me, my son, not something I do easily. So this really hurts, especially on top of everything else that has happened. But I still just want to understand what happened, not that it will change anything.

Grief, Groups and Depression…..Oh My!!!

With all that has gone on with the passing of my son I find my anxiety has resurfaced in all it’s glory. So the other day I went to see my doctor, she told me that she is concerned that I am depressed. She gave me a prescription for some medication that could help and might make the pain less, of course in the beginning it could make my anxiety worse. I thought about it, first I am not depressed, I am grieving the loss of my son. I am too optimistic even with all that has happened. Second I don’t know that I want to numb or lessen the pain, I mean it sounds great, but I feel like I need to feel it, face it and try to find a way to deal with it. When Robert died I buried my pain and eventually I ended up agoraphobic, I don’t want to backslide now with Robby’s death.

Well with all that in mind I did what I always do–research. I went online, I read self help articles, personal stories, scholarly articles and Peanuts cartoons. The last one was to lighten things up a little. And after all that I learned that grief is not depression, grief can lead to depression. But grief is a process that everyone does differently and there is not right or wrong way to grieve. So after all that I feel like my original thought was right, I am a mother grieving the loss of her son.

So I did tell the doctor that I was going to try a support group for grief, she thought that was a good idea. In all my reading online I had seen some groups, so I went back to read about them. There was one that I kept going back to, it is only for the loss of a child and they were the only one I saw that address losing a child with special needs. So tonight I went for the first time, I was a little anxious mostly because I wasn’t sure what to expect. What I found there were people from varied backgrounds, but none of that mattered, what did matter is that we all share something much deeper…..we have all lost a child and are searching for a way to survive and deal with that loss. A friend asked me what I thought and I said I was going to go again, I need to give it a chance. Besides these people get it, they are living it.

Moving On?? No just going to Portland!!

With the memorial service done I turned my focus to a trip I wanted to make for a long time, I starting planning my trip to Portland. It wasn’t so long ago that any trip would have been impossible with my agoraphobia, but now I feel like I need to try. So the decision was made, I would make it a short trip-four days/three nights. That way I was not over committed, if there was too much anxiety I wouldn’t feel trapped. After coordinating times with my brother in law and my roommate/ride to the airport I purchased my ticket!! I believed that once I got on the plane it would be ok, I knew that the next person I would see would be my brother in law. I shared my plans with a friend who immediately said ‘oh great, you are moving on’!! Seriously?? My response came with no thought, I said ‘no I am not moving on, I am going to Portland’!!!

After purchasing a suitcase, planning and packing the day finally arrived for me to leave on my trip, I was excited and a little anxious. My anxiety increased some when I got on the plane, but once in the air and on the way it was manageable. We landed in Portland and my first thought was I can’t believe I am here!!! After claiming my bag I called my brother in law to pick me up, when he got there I told him I still can’t believe I am here!!! He was very proud of me, he understands how big a step this is for me. My trip was great, some episodes of bad anxiety at the beginning, but then back to manageable, as a matter of fact the last night I slept 6-1/2 hours in a row, I can’t remember the last time that happened.

My last day in Portland was hard, I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want to come home. I was very emotional, but on the upside no anxiety!!! I had intentionally made it a short 4 day/3 night trip not knowing how it would go. I know my ticket could have been changed, but that would just delay the inevitable, at some point I had to come home. Now that I am home I am looking forward to my next trip to Portland, and staying longer!!!

Memories and a Memorial

I have wanted to write about the events going forward from Robby’s death but I haven’t been able to put it in writing. So I am going to try now. I found a great escape in the planning of his memorial service, there were so many details to attend to and I wanted it to be as special as possible. I obsessed over every detail from the music to the food to the arrangement of chairs to the photo centerpieces even to the paper products and supplies. I felt like this was the last thing I could do for him. The service itself was under the planning and direction of my amazing friend Rev Suzette. Two days before the service it felt like everything fell apart. I suddenly didn’t have an outfit to wear, I was trying to finalize the food order (which involved me giving my credit card number on the phone in a busy parking lot) and realizing that I didn’t have help for setting up on Friday. Well I went shopping and came home with lots of pieces that could become an outfit, the catering order was finally complete and I set up everything myself, with the exception of one table that my friend Jo helped me move. I think in the end it was ok setting up alone, it gave me some time to ‘deal’ with the coming service.

The day of the memorial service I was holding together the best I could, I had told Patrick that my goal was upright and dressed as my work was done. The service was beautiful and an amazing tribute and celebration of Robby’s life. There were about 26 or 27 people here, it was great that so many people wanted to be present. Patrick did bring some lightness with him, he brought bags of assorted color/assorted size pom poms. We all became his canvas, whether he placed them inside hoop earrings, or on the front of shoes, or tucked into the collar of a shirt, or even filling the inside front of a top. Everyone seemed to find delight in the colorful little distractions.

Lunch followed the service and by then I couldn’t pull off my ‘illusion of normal’ so I just tried to separate myself and hope I could just blend in with the background. People tried to talk to me but I just felt shut down and I really didn’t hear what they were saying.

We planned for a select group to stay for an ‘after party’. We had bought wine and beer, three of Robby’s nurses (Kevin, Sabrina and Angela), Patrick and David and a couple of my closest friends stayed. It was a good plan as it allowed us to talk, cry, laugh and share. At the end it was Sabrina, Kevin and I; that was great we continued to talk and just be together.