Marching In Place – Page 9 – Living and Struggling with Agoraphobia

Thoughts of Christmas-Past and Present

Each year as the holidays grow closer I find myself remembering Christmas’ past, especially the ones when I was a little girl before my Grandfather died (he died when I was seven). There was something so special about those Christmas’, it was a feeling in the air. It had nothing to do with presents, it felt warm, loving and even magical. The holidays were filled with lights, family, friends, baking, cooking, entertaining and going to see Santa. After Grandpa died those feelings of Christmas were gone, they were replaced with memories of family tension, disagreements and even anger. This was not Christmas as I knew it and I have tried year after year to get it back, but so far I have not be successful.

This year we had the priviledge of spending Christmas Eve with our adopted family. Every year they have a very large open house with family and friends; it is quite a gathering. I dressed Robby in his Santa pants and hat then Kevin, Robby and I were off. It was amazing seeing everyone, meeting some family members I had not yet met, sharing wonderful food and conversation and seeing the kids run, play and laugh; it felt like Christmas. Robby made friends with Grammy, who shared cookies and other treats with him. He also watched the kids running and playing, Jo’s three year old grandson Jude had fun throwing a foam airplane at Robby and Robby didn’t seem to mind. Seeing the excitement and joy in the faces of the children took me back to the Christmas’ with my Grandpa. It made me think that perhaps the feeling I have been searching for is really about simple joy and love and sharing both with the people I love.

It’s Time to Face the Reality of Cancer……Again

Living with cancer changes your perspective, things that seemed important before cancer may no longer be important. Many things that most people take for granted have a new importance. Time is one of those things….most people seem to go along taking time for granted-like there is a never end supply of time. But when you have cancer, especially stage 4 cancer, you realize quickly what a precious commodity time can be. I am trying hard to have more time with my son Robby. To that end I have done chemo-18 cycles of chemo so far-with no regrets.

Well, I have had a short break in my chemo, something that my body is grateful for. But now it is time for another cancer marker blood test and exam with my oncologists-the outcome could send me back to chemo. I am willing to return to chemo in exchange for more time with my son. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t want to give the impression that chemo is fun, it is not. But to have the gift of more time with my son I will do as much chemo as I can. I know there will come a time that I cannot do anymore chemo, or as I call it, the quantity vs. quality decision-but I am not there yet.

The results of my current cancer marker test and exam have extended my short break from chemo, unless something changes. I am pleased to have at least a little more time for my body to recover from chemo. But that being said I also feel like I am back waiting for the other shoe to drop. The feeling of impending doom does not help my anxiety. The two things I need to remember right now are: my oncologist made it clear in the beginning that recurrence for me is not if, but when and for today-no chemo. In a short time we will go through this again, except this time we will add scans-but that’s for another day…..

Black Friday Shopping–Mall vs Pajamas

Black Friday shopping has become part of Thanksgiving-like leftovers. I know my Mom and I used to spend part of Thanksgiving Day with the ads deciding what stores we would go to and in what order-like a well calculated battle plan. Then we would be up and out at dawn with our lists, ads and layer upon layer of clothes. When my agoraphobia made it impossible for me to go to the sales it seemed that was the end for our shopping. But then we discovered the wonderful world of online shopping. Not only was this a new way for us to continue to shop, but best of all we could shop in pajamas-it doesn’t get better than that.

This year I decided to go out to a couple of stores on my own. At 7 AM I was at Old Navy, it was a great experience. They had an amazing sale and lots of employees to help and every check out was open. After that I felt confident to try another sale, so about 3 PM I went to Target. It was busy, but not crazy. I had two things I was looking for, the first took me to the men’s department. What an ordeal, they had moved the already crowded racks even tighter together. I still go out in my wheelchair-it makes me feel safe enough to go places. So, I saw what I was looking for and I tried to make my way through the maze to get there. I got almost there when my wheelchair got stuck, I could not move forward or back. So I had a panic attack-I haven’t had one in a very long time. The only way I finally got out was to push a display enough to back out. I tried to find the other item, but had no luck and I decided that I just wanted to leave.

What I learned from this experience is that even if you can go it doesn’t mean you have to go. And shopping is pajamas is so much better than fighting a crowd. So next big sale I will be at my computer with my stack of ads, and yes in my pajamas.

Being Thankful

I have always thought that being thankful was something that should not be limited to just one day a year, but that one day does give the opportunity to slow down and reflect. Thanksgiving is a time for people who love and care about each other (family and friends alike) to come together to celebrate and that is certainly something to be thankful for.

My cancer has reinforced my belief that you should not leave things unsaid, if you do then the opportunity may be lost and you will just be left with regret. So I want to take a moment to share at least some of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that my son Robby and I will be spending Thanksgiving with a wonderful family. Last year we were invited by Angela, one of Robby’s nurses, to spend the holiday with her family, it was a wonderful experience for us. So to get the chance to spend the holiday with them again this year is truly a blessing.

Speaking of nurses, I am so thankful to both Angela and Kevin for the amazing care they give Robby. They have come to be like family to us, it’s hard to believe it’s only been just over a year and a half since they started here. I don’t know what we would do with out them and I don’t want to find out. In addition to caring for Robby they have also provided a variety of much needed support to me. I’m not sure that I can ever thank them enough for all they do and for being who they are.

Another fresh perspective that cancer brings is the appreciation for even the small things and special moments in life. Which brings me to Robby, I could not be more thankful for the time I share with him. I am grateful for his smiles (that can melt your heart) and his attitude (good and bad); they make him who he is. And early mornings when he and I have our time together, just us.

I am more than thankful for my ‘adopted family’-Robby and I are so lucky to have been welcomed into their family. They are always there for us and I try to always be there for them. We have been through much together-good and bad-which seems to make us even closer. Robby and I didn’t really have any family until we were ‘adopted’ by Jo, Curtiss, Brandon, Dan and yes even Grammy.

Speaking of family, I am thankful and blessed for continuing to reconnect with Patrick. It has made it possible for my son Robby to connect with family, something that has been missing in his life. We are also blessed with the opportunity to get to know Patrick’s partner David. And then there is the gift of getting to appreciate and enjoy Patrick’s art again; he is truly an amazing and talented artist.

I want to thank Dr Eppler, I have been working with him for approximately 10 years now. He has helped and supported me more than I can say, like helping me get on the right path to move in a positive direction to get my life back. He has also been the one encouraging me to write my book and even to launch this blog. For all he does thank you feels like it’s not enough, but that said-thank you.

I am thankful for all the new friends I have made and the things I was able to experience this year-many of which would have been impossible to do before. I am sure that I am forgetting some things, but it feels like I have started another book here. So I will leave with this thought….never miss the opportunity to say thank you.

Update-Dealing With Death

I attended the funeral for my cousin Andy and I was right it was a wonderful celebration of his life. As I had mentioned I would be see family I have not seen for many, many years and by the time I arrived at the church I was getting a little anxious about seeing everyone. But it was an amazing experience, I felt very welcome. We shared memories, photos-both old and new, stories-old and new, exchanged phone numbers and email addresses and agreed to stay in contact. I hope we do.

I have been to more funerals than I can count in my life, and missed several during the years that we didn’t go and the years that I could not go. With all those funerals I thought I had seen and felt everything until this time. It was different sitting there knowing that I have stage 4 cancer and sooner, rather than later, I will be the one who’s gone. It wasn’t a sad feeling, it was a feeling of…..well I guess you could say reality. It wasn’t scary, just a realization, but in a different way….it is really hard to find the words to explain it. The one thing that is once again clear to me is the importance of living life in the moment….time is something not to be taken for granted.

Dealing with Death-An Ongoing Issue For Me

Today I am going to the funeral of my cousin Andy. He died in a bodysurfing accident at the age of 54-way too young. The loss of Andy will be felt by so many people-friends and family alike. For a lucky group of people Andy’s death will change their lives forever, you see Andy was an organ donor. That is truly an amazing and life changing gift.

For me Andy’s death has brought back lots of memories and presents me with the opportunity to face some of my issues, first the obvious one-death. I have spent a lot of time and effort in therapy trying to find better, healthier ways to deal with death-not easy. I have lost so many people I love, including my husband. Because of that I had gotten to place where death would just cause me to shut down. When my husband died I buried my grief in an effort to survive and function, this was a mistake. Not dealing with his death contributed to my panic and anxiety, then my eventual agoraphobia. I tell everyone I know that the most important thing is to grieve and deal with it at the time or you will end up in therapy writing your life story and that sucks.

Second, I will be attending a funeral, something that I have not done since my husband died nearly 23 years ago. And by going I will be pushing my comfort zone once again and I will be seeing family I have not seen in many, many years. I don’t feel anxious (at least not yet) but I do feel a little nervous, I am not going to let that stop me from going. And the funeral is being held at the church where my husband I got married-yes, another issue.

I know it sounds funny to say this, but I am looking forward to attending the funeral. Separate from any issues I have, it is the opportunity to honor the life of a wonderful person who touched so many lives, including my own and will be greatly missed-that’s the reason I am so determined to go.

A Goal Left Unfinished

I had a friend that introduced me to the wonderful world of ballroom dance lessons a few months ago. This was a test of my willingness to further push the limits of my comfort zone. I went there in my wheelchair, something not often seen at a dance studio. I worked very hard to be able to drive myself there, which was so much further than I had ever driven before. It was important to me that I could get to the studio on my own.

At first I was only able to be in one corner, then my one corner and one side and my one corner and the other side. Eventually with a lot of help, the patience of the instructors and my determination I made it all the way around the outside edge of the dance floor…this was huge for me. I even pushed myself to walk into the studio from the car pushing my wheelchair. The center of the dance floor was a scary place, but I wanted to overcome the fear and anxiety. I tried and the instructors tried to help…but it’s a goal not met.

I have had to quit dance classes for financial reasons…a painful decision. I miss dancing, the friends I made and the people I care deeply about. But the thing I can’t seem to get past is the goal not achieved…the center of the dance floor. I don’t deal well with things left undone, but I have to find a way to deal with this unfinished goal…..how? Good question.

A Night Out at a Bar-With Music

I have been pushing myself for a long time now to expand my comfort zone. When my mother died in 2010 I pushed to be as independent as possible and take care of what my son and I needed. With a lot of work and determination I accomplished that goal, but as always I hope to do more. Well, then in May of 2012 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer…that has certainly changed things. It has pushed me even harder, not only to do more, but also to live more. It is amazing how important things can become when you find out you have less time to do them. I have pushed myself so far from my comfort zone that even I am shocked!! As I keep telling everyone ‘life is short’!!

So in that mindset I had the opportunity to go to a local bar called Gallagher’s and hear my friend’s band play. It was an amazing night; I have not been in a bar for about 23 or 24 years. The best part was the band, Jack N Peg (photo below), their performance and music were great!! I loved it, as did the rest of the crowd. The very talented members of the band are Buddy Nuggetts, Mind Blower Pete, Cool Breeze K and Midnight Swami. It was fun to be in the crowd, sitting on a barstool, drink part of a beer and enjoying one of my favorite things-live music. And best of all there was no anxiety or panic-just fun!!

It was a great night-one I hope to repeat soon!!!!

Deadlines

I am so excited to be starting this blog!! I had set a deadline for myself to have it up and running by the end of September….well as you can see that did not happen. Deadlines seem to be an easy way to add more stress and anxiety to life. It’s funny; people assume that if you are at home (say like an agoraphobic) it should be easy to make a deadline…not so much. I have found that people tend to think if you are at home you have very little or even nothing to do. But life still happens, even at home and days go by sometimes in a blur until you realize the deadline you were working towards is now way behind you. I know that’s how it works for me and missed deadlines usually cause me to be angry, frustrated, then anxious and even end up with panic attacks. So, for me it seems the best way to attempt to deal with these time issues is to just go with an old favorite, ‘better late than never’!!

I may have crossed a finish line with this project , but it is really just the beginning!!!

Welcome to Marching in Place

Hello and welcome to the launch of my blog Marching in Place. This blog is an extension of the book I am writing by the same name. Are you wondering where the name came from? Well, a friend of mine used it to describe how it feels to wait. But for me it described how I have felt with my agoraphobia-stuck in one place.

I will be sharing my experiences, not just with my agoraphobia but with life in general and look forward to hearing about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. You won’t just hear from me, I have psychologist Dr Daniel Eppler who will also be contributing posts, answering questions and commenting.

So here we go…………